


Nights With No Moon

by KaleNight



Category: Original Work
Genre: Acting, Angst and Drama, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autism Spectrum, Best Friends, Bisexual Male Character, Bullying, Cannibalism, Child Abuse, Childhood Friends, Domestic Violence, Drama, Drama & Romance, Drug Use, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Excessive Drinking, Family Drama, First Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay, Gay Character, Gay Male Character, Grooming, Gun Violence, High School, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Impulse Control, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Miscarriage, Necrophilia, New Adult, Organized Crime, Original Fiction, Original Slash, Post-High School, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Sad with a Happy Ending, Scars, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:34:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 45
Words: 49,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29158221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaleNight/pseuds/KaleNight
Summary: 15-year-old Ram has never had a friend. It may have something to do with his temper and fondness for knocking out teeth. But when Ram meets Gage and Tobi, he finds himself wanting what they have – an obvious connection.Over the years, Ram, Gage, and Tobi grow close. They think they know everything about each other. Ram’s abusive father. Gage’s traumatic past. The real reason why Tobi’s acting coach got hit by a bus.They’re wrong.
Kudos: 9





	1. [1.1] Ram

**Author's Note:**

> [This series is intended for mature audiences. It begins with the characters as teenagers, but follows them into adulthood. Follow @NoMoonNights on Twitter for updates.]
> 
> Trigger warnings: homophobia, internalized homophobia, child abuse, bullying, domestic abuse, drug use, self-harm, pregnancy loss, grooming, sexual abuse (implied/off page)]

Ram climbed out of bed and prepared for his first day of grade nine for the second time. He’d failed the previous year because he’d been in too many fights, tormented too many teachers, flunked too many tests, skipped too many classes. The stupid school counsellor said he was _socially maladjusted_ , but that guy didn’t know shit. What a lame job. Talking to people about their problems and playing with sock puppets all day. Trying to turn everyone into a sissy. Real men didn’t talk about their problems. They dealt with them.

He showered and pulled on a pair of black jeans. The cotton was imported from the western highlands, the softest on planet Thalis. Anything less was unacceptable. He studied himself in the mirror and admired his reflection. He looked older than fifteen. Mature. The hours he spent lifting weights showed in the sculpted lines on his arms and chest. Ram liked lifting weights. It made him feel powerful. Quieted all the angry noises in his head.

He threw on a white t-shirt, covering the cigarette burns on his stomach, and ran a comb through his short black hair, parting it on the side. His stomach somersaulted at the thought of spending all day in a classroom, trapped with nine other spoiled teenagers who’d have no interest in being his friend. No one ever wanted to be his friend. They found him annoying, or stupid, or both. He lashed out sometimes. Got so fucking mad he had to hit something. Or someone. Couldn’t help it. It was like being in a car crash. Everything colliding out of control. No way of stopping it.

Whatever. You didn’t need friends when you owned every video game released in the last year and your own gun range. Friends were for people who couldn’t entertain themselves.

Ram carefully made his bed, tightly folding the corners. He wasn’t under orders to do so. In fact, his father hated it. _Why are you making your bed? That’s what the maid is for. You’re supposed to have better things to do with your time than make beds._ All the more reason to keep doing it. An act of defiance with no consequences. Unlike burning down a shack, or pissing on the principal’s shoes, or chugging a bottle of red wine and spraying red vomit all over the living room carpet. For a moment he’d thought he was dying. Throwing up blood. He’d been more relieved than terrified. Dead people couldn’t inherit empires.

At least he’d be well-prepared if he ever ran off to join the army. Anything to avoid being drafted into the family business.

The smell of bacon hit him and he hurried downstairs. His parents sat at the dining room table, across from one another. His mom wore a pink lacey nightgown, her hair in loose blonde curls. She drank orange juice from a crystal goblet, undoubtedly mixed with some form of alcohol. Probably champagne. She let him drink it when his father went away on business. They watched stupid shit on TV and laughed and laughed. He loved his mom. Most of the time.

His mom smiled at him and returned to her fashion magazine. “Good morning, sweetheart.” She’d been a beauty queen before she married his father. He made her stop competing. Said he didn’t want strangers staring at his wife in her bathing suit. It was _undignified_.

“Morning, mom.”

“Morning, son.”

“Good morning, father.” He nodded respectfully at his old man, making brief eye contact.

He piled his plate high with pancakes and bacon and sat down at the table. His father scrolled through the news on his phone. Ram inhaled his food, bracing himself for the inevitable rant on the sorry state of the world.

“Unbelievable.” _Here we go._ “They’re letting the queers get married in Exshale.” Ram’s father shook his head despairingly and took a sip of coffee. “Bunch of heathens.” Everyone knew souls were created in pairs. Male and female. Twin flames. Anything else was unnatural. An exercise in weakness. Ranking the needs of the flesh above spiritual well-being. Clear indication of an underdeveloped soul. Out of touch with their True Self.

Ram’s mom got up and poured herself more orange juice.

“I hope there’s no queers in my class,” said Ram, dousing a pancake in passionfruit syrup.

“If there are, ignore them. They’re not worth getting into trouble over.” His father regarded him sternly, pointing at him with his fork. “Unless you want to spend eternity in ninth grade.”

“Yes, sir.”

“I expect great things from you, Ram. As unreasonable as that may be.” _Someone will need to take over when I’m gone. I want my son to continue my work._ But Ram wasn’t going down that path. He was determined to find an alternate route. He didn’t want to sit behind a desk all day. Didn’t want to be held responsible for a multi-billion dollar empire. No sucking up to clients. No wasting weekends taking dozens of conference calls. It was all too much hassle for too little reward. Why work his ass off to accumulate more money than he could spend in a hundred lifetimes?

_There’s no point in owning the best of everything if you have no time to enjoy it._


	2. [1.2]

The family driver, Eizen, took Ram to school. He went straight for the office, a spot he was far too familiar with, and entered his name into the computer out front. His classroom displayed on the screen, along with a map showing how to get there. _9E._

Who would be in his class this year? It couldn’t be any worse than last year. Six girls and three other boys. Sad specimens, the lot of them. Hopefully the teacher wouldn’t be a jerk. He’d better not get stuck with Mr. Emerson again. Mr. Emerson was a fuckbucket. Always called on him in class when it was obvious he didn’t know the answer. Ram had a hard time paying attention. His mind wandered.

The classroom was empty. It wasn’t like Ram to be early. Normally he’d stand outside smoking until the last possible minute, dreading everything, but he was curious about his classmates. He claimed a desk at the back of the room and surveyed his kingdom, anticipating the arrival of his subjects.

The first was proof that enrollment at the Queen Verity Academy was based on money, not intelligence. Calie Floyd. She waltzed into the room and sat on the edge of her desk, crossing her legs, ignoring him in favour of reapplying lip gloss. Her lacy t-shirt was stretched to maximum capacity, filled out in a way that should have held his attention, but Ram found himself thinking about serial killers. The cannibals were his favourite. The first thing he was going to do when he turned eighteen was go to Black Heart prison and visit Evin Baltrov. Evin Baltrov killed and ate at least 72 people that police were aware of. The real number of Baltrov’s victims was thought to be much higher. Ram wrote to Evin in prison and was thrilled to receive a response. He’d asked what people taste like, among other things. Evin’s reply had only two words, “Wild boar.”

Kyler Edwards came next. His father owned a popular chain of restaurants. Kyler had eight older brothers who liked to party hard and gamble too much. It was only a matter of time before they started dying from drug overdoses and hungry loan sharks.

Another girl. Stephanie Crossfield. Her mother owned a bunch of gyms. She ran straight to Calie, hopping up and down, flailing, making high-pitched sounds. The girls bounced and squealed.

Ram didn’t recognise the boy who followed. Must be a new kid. The school was small enough that everyone knew everyone, for better or worse. Even if someone wasn’t in your class, you saw them around, heard stories about them, knew far too much about what they did with their dolls.

The boy had wavy golden hair and glasses. He wore an oversized blue hoodie with the photograph of a void rat, staring curiously at the camera. Ram studied him closely, drawn to the allure of the strange, helpless creature, like a predator evaluating their prey. The boy shuffled awkwardly, hands shoved deep into the pockets of black sweatpants. What a fucking dork. The boy picked a desk at the front of the class and sat down. Ram stared at the back of his head, torn between ignoring the kid out of pure disgust and going over there to inform him he’d made a mistake – kindergarten was down the hall. He also wanted to touch the boy’s shiny chin-length hair and see if it was as soft as it looked, but wrestled the thought from his mind, banishing it.

Who was this freak and how could he afford tuition to the most expensive secondary school on the continent? He thought he knew all the rich kids in the capital. 

The girls broke into simultaneous squeals. The boy covered his ears and shot them an offended look. Ram reluctantly shifted his focus, seeing what all the fuss was about.

Tobi Haines stood in the doorway, waving, smiling warmly. 

Tobi’d been in at least three films (that Ram knew of) and won a bunch of awards over the years. He was the youngest recipient of the Hector Balford award for Acting Excellence. They made a big deal about it on the celebrity gossip shows his mom loved to watch. Ram had never seen him at school before. Yet another new kid. He was probably a dick. Full of himself. No one was ever as nice as they appeared on TV.


	3. [1.3]

Tobi greeted the girls, halting their shrill noises. The boy at the front of the class uncovered his ears and fired up the laptop attached to his desk.

Tobi chatted with the girls. Ram tuned out the conversation, which revolved around the latest fashion trends. So boring. He couldn’t care less who wore what.

It wasn’t until Tobi approached the boy with the golden hair that Ram took an interest.

Tobi sat across from the boy, leaning in close. “Hello. What’s your name?”

“Gage Behren.”

“Nice to meet you, Gage. I’m Tobi.”

Gage nodded, staring downwards, shrinking into himself like a turtle. 

Tobi continued, undeterred by Gage’s response. “I love your hoodie. It’s so cute.”

“Thank you.” Gage squirmed in his seat. “My grandmother gave it to me.” He pointed at the rat. “This is my Eastern Tamrian void rat, Henri Patrick Morgan. I also have a void rat named Mayla. They’re both four years old. People think rats are dirty and carry disease, but that’s not true.” Gage lowered his shoulders and raised his head, looking shyly at Tobi. “They groom themselves meticulously, you know. Void rats are usually blamed for outbreaks of the sanguinarian plague, but it was actually passed from person-to-person by fleas. Symptoms of the plague included organ failure, pineal cysts, and an unquenchable thirst for blood. Victims were usually bitten by someone who has infected, further spreading the infection.”

Ram had to give the kid credit. Any conversation involving blood drinking was a good one.

”Sorry.” Gage dropped his gaze. “I talk too much sometimes.”

“It’s okay.” Tobi grinned widely, a perfect movie star smile. “I don’t mind.” He twirled a strand of long, pale blond hair around a slender finger, fixated on Gage. Ram knew that look well. It was the look men gave his mother, finding it hard to believe she was real, too beautiful to exist. No one ever looked at him like that. Ram exhaled shakily, his heart pounding. 

“Do you have any other pets?” asked Tobi.

“Oh, yes.” Gage’s face lit up, a smile spreading across his face. “There’s Tinker, Aloysius, and Cee. They’re desert foxes. Winston Stanford is my swamp weasel. Farn is a dwarf Itherian tree cat. Tree cats belong in the wild, but Farn has too many health problems. He’d die. I have a special permit to keep him. Dezmodeus is a very bad dog. He’s a mutt. He was rescued from owners who trained him to fight and he tries to destroy everything. He ate Mrs. Greenslade’s purse and pooped in her shoe.” This was a dog Ram could relate to. “He’ll get better. He just needs love and lots of training.”

“Oriath and Felice are emerald frilled lizards. They’re sisters. Hex is an azure owl who lives in my attic. She leaves at night to hunt, but always comes back. Mugi is my waterbear, but he doesn’t live with me. He’s too big. He lives at the Blue Mountain Rehabilitation Centre. That’s everyone.”

“Wow!” Tobi looked genuinely impressed. Ram couldn’t tell if he actually gave a shit, or pretended to care. _Fucking actors._ “I want to meet them all.”

“You should visit on the sixth of Terras,” replied Gage. “It’s my birthday. I’m getting a chocolate ice cream cake with whipped cream. Chocolate is my favourite flavour.”

“I’ll mention it to my mum. She takes care of my schedule.” A chill spread through Ram’s chest. He’d never been invited to a birthday party.

A third girl entered the room – Lucinda Toews. Her parents owned the seafood company responsible for illegally decimating the long-horned crab population in the Halbierd Sea. Her father served two years in prison, which was almost unheard of for a rich guy who hadn’t killed someone. She headed straight for Calie and Stephanie, the three of them whispering amongst themselves and giggling, staring at Tobi.

“Why’s everyone looking at us?” asked Gage. “Am I talking too loud?”

“No.” Tobi shook his head. “I’m an actor. I’ve been in a few movies.”

“I don’t watch many movies. They’re usually bad. It’s a waste of time.” 

Tobi laughed, cheeks flushing. “I know a few critics who’d agree with you.”

Ram couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up and made his way towards the front of the class. He stepped in front of Tobi, glowering.

Tobi stood and stared up at him, blinking innocently. “You’re big.” He bit down lightly on his bottom lip, looking him over with piercing blue eyes. “Do you work out?”

The question caught him off guard. Heat flared in Ram’s core, spreading like wildfire through his body. Tobi stared at him intently, smiling at him in a way that made him feel important – a foreign sensation. A strange tingle followed, like tonging a battery, except he felt electrified _everywhere._ His cheeks burned. A weight formed in his chest, filling him with dread. This wasn’t okay. Wasn’t natural. Panic set in. All at once, the flames went out, replacing his blood with ice.

He shoved Tobi, sending him sprawling backwards. Tobi gracefully caught hold of the desk and sank back into his seat. There was no trace of anger or annoyance on Tobi’s face, only hurt and confusion, making him instantly regret his actions.

“All right! Fight!”

Ram turned to see Billy Moore standing in the doorway, along with an older woman he assumed was his new teacher. She folded her arms across her chest, speaking firmly. “I don’t think so. There’s no fighting in my class. If you boys want to beat each other up, do it off school property.” She shot him a look of obvious disapproval that made him want to crawl under his desk. “Are you okay, Tobi?”

“I’m fine.” Tobi waved it off. “We were just messing around.”

His teacher appeared unconvinced. “Ramiel. Come with me.”

God, he was in so much trouble.

He headed for the door, walking past Gage, who looked up at him and proclaimed, “You should be careful. The use of anabolic steroids will shrink your testicles.”


	4. [1.4]

Ram’s teacher took him to the library. They sat in a far corner. It was the first time he’d seen an adult sit on a bean bag chair. “I’m Mrs. Kalacran. I’m disappointed in you, Ramiel. I read your file. I was hoping you’d show an interest in staying out of trouble. You’re the oldest student in my class. I need you to show a little maturity.”

Ram hung his head. Disappointment was worse than anger. Anger he could live with. Anger meant taking a beating and being done with it. Disappointment lasted forever. 

“I’m not sending you to the office.” He wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly. “But I’m seriously considering sending you to the counsellor.”

“Don’t do that.” Ram groaned. He couldn’t stand listening to Dr. Dane drone on and on and _on_ about how he needed to get in touch with his _feelings_. Blech. He didn’t need reminding that he had a _limited attention span_ and suffered from _poor impulse control_. He’d recommend some kind of medication, which his father would scoff at and say, “There’s nothing wrong with my son. He’s just a brat. Likes making trouble. Gets that from his mother.”

“I wasn’t trying to hurt Tobi,” protested Ram. “It was an accident.” It was true. He hadn’t wanted to hurt Tobi. Hadn’t wanted to knock his fucking perfect teeth out, which was normally his go-to when it came to people who pissed him off. He just wanted him to stop staring.

“You have a lot of accidents, Ram. I know last year was difficult for you. I also know Mr. Emerson is a dick.” He’d never heard a teacher talk like that. “Next time you get the urge to do something destructive, try counting to ten first.”

Ram sighed heavily, staring up at the ceiling. “You sound like Dr. Dane.”

“Dr. Dane went through twelve years of medical training. You should listen to him.”

“He’s full of shit,” insisted Ram. That wasn’t entirely accurate, but he wasn’t about to back down now. Dr. Dane mentioned the need for an _outlet_ for his anger, which inspired him to ask his father for a gun. His father wasn’t usually an indecisive man, but it took a week for him to make up his mind.

“Tell you what, we’ll skip Mr. Dane, but I want you to apologise to Tobi. You’d better hope he doesn’t make a big deal out of this, or both our asses will be on the chopping block. God, I hope his parents aren’t assholes.”

“They can’t fire you. It wasn’t your fault.” As if he didn’t bad enough, now he was worried his teacher might lose her job. “Can we go back now? I don’t want to hold things up.”

Mrs. Kalacran shifted her weight across the beanbag and grunted, holding out her hand. “Help me up.”

Ram pulled her to her feet and headed back to class. Mrs. Kalacran stopped outside the door, regarding him sternly. “I want you to succeed, Ram. I really do. But you gotta work with me, kid.”

The moment he entered the classroom, everyone fell silent. It was obvious they’d been talking about him, staring at him in surprise, obviously surprised to see him so soon.

“Tobi. Ram would like a word with you in the hall,” announced Mrs. Kalacran.

Ram was relieved Mrs. Kalacran didn’t make him apologise in front of everyone. He hated that. It just made him angry and resentful. Less sorry than he’d been before.

Tobi joined him in the hall. Ram fought the urge to stare at the floor and caught Tobi’s gaze. The boy’s expression was blank, impossible to read. He’d make an excellent card player. Ram cleared his throat. “Sorry about that. Won’t happen again. I wasn’t trying to hurt you. Guess I don’t know my own strength.”

“Guess not.” Tobi shrugged and held out his hand. “No hard feelings.”

Ram shook Tobi’s hand. It was warm and much softer than his own. Ram’s mom was always trying to get him to use hand cream, but that shit was for girls. Women were supposed to be soft. Men were supposed to be hard.

Ram pulled away and slunk back into class, mentally repeating his father’s advice. _Ignore him_.

It was easy to say. Impossible to do.


	5. [1.5]

After dessert was served, and Ram’s family sat in stony silence for the customary amount of time, his mom excused herself from the table. She’d probably spend the next few hours chatting with her friends, catching up on the day’s gossip.

Ram’s father remained at the table. He lit a cigarette and scanned the news. He was as obsessed with current events as his mom, except his interest lay more in resource scarcity and global economics than scandals and affairs. Ram stood up, hoping to get in a few hours of playing _World War VII: Apocalypse._ He backed away from the table, retreating towards the kitchen, but halted at the sound of his father’s voice. 

“Did you get into trouble at school today?”

Ram’s heart raced. “No, sir.”

“I called your teacher. Asked how you did.” Ram’s father stood and circled him like a shark, looking up him and down, searching for weakness. “She said you were an angel.” He took a long drag of his cigarette. “How much are you paying her?”

“Nothing, I swear.” Thank _God_ he was telling the truth. Surely his father would see that.

Or not. The man grabbed him, shoving him hard against the wall. He pulled up Ram’s shirt and held the smoldering tip of his cigarette close to his stomach. Ram’s skin was heavily scarred, already covered in burns. If anyone noticed, asked questions, he insisted they were self-inflicted. He was never tempted to tell the truth. As his father pointed out on many occasions, no one would believe him.

Ram stayed perfectly still. He stared the man in the eye and repeated himself calmly. “I swear.”

Ram’s father studied for a moment, then released him with a satisfied nod. He tucked his cigarette back into the corner of his mouth and returned to his seat. “Praise the Lord for small miracles.”


	6. [2.1] Ram

Ram sat at the back of the school bus and watched the scenery go by. The further they got from the capital, the flatter the landscape got. Mountains shrank into low hills, covered with long wild grass. Hills dwindled into nothing, flat stretches of land. Few large trees grew, only shrubs. Occasional massive boulders were a reminder that vast glaciers once covered the land, long before the continent’s first human inhabitants showed up.

These first inhabitants were the reason Ram’s class was being dragged out to the middle of nowhere. The girls all complained, given the requirement for sensible shoes, but Mrs. Kalacran insisted the trip was critical to their understanding of early human habitation and reassured them they did _not_ want to walk through a wet field in high heels.

They filed off the bus into a large parking lot. Their guide awaited them, some old scientist who was far too enthusiastic about prehistoric campsites. Who gave a fuck about early humans, anyway? Bunch of dead cavemen with no caves. Ram was disappointed by the lack of bones and any sign of actual civilization, apart from a few crude rock carvings.

They ate lunch and Mrs. Kalacran gave them some free time, along with strict orders to meet back at the bus by two.

Ram went for a walk. He tried to imagine what the place had looked like half a million years ago, but didn’t care enough to make much effort. A fire pit here. A pile of bones over there. A prehistoric snow panther lurking in the shadows, waiting to sink its teeth into the skull of an unsuspecting caveman.

He lit a cigarette and stood in the sun, enjoying the heat on his black leather jacket.

He continued his walk and came across Tobi, who was crouched low to the ground, picking purple wildflowers. He’d tried to avoid Tobi since the first day of school. Tobi made him feel strange. It was like being put under a spell. Maybe the guy practiced magick. Performed enchantments to make everyone like him. Sacrificed a lot of chickens.

_Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything. Keep walking._

Ram almost made it. He stopped and stared, struck by the absurdity of a teenage boy picking flowers. It wasn’t right, damnit. “Gonna give those to your boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” Tobi frowned faintly and ran a hand through his hair, pushing it away from his face. He looked momentarily depressed, but quickly perked up, cracking a smile. “They’re for my mum.”

Ram rolled his eyes and walked off, spotting Gage not too far away. “What’s this other weirdo up to?” He went over to Gage, who appeared fixated on something. Ram looked to see what was so interesting. It was easy to spot. A pit full of countless writhing snakes. “Woah!” Ram leaned in closer, but not too close.

“They’re mating,” said Gage. “Baby snakes are precocial, totally self-sufficient, able to survive on their own. Human babies are the opposite. They’re altricial. Useless. A fully developed human brain is too large to fit through the birth canal.”

“Where do you learn this shit?”

“I read a lot.”

Tobi wandered over to see what they were looking at. When he saw the snakes, he squealed in a mixture of horror and surprise and stepped back.

“God, you’re a pussy.” Ram grabbed Tobi by the arm and shoved him towards the pit. He was only trying to scare him. Trying to toughen him up a bit. He was doing the kid a favour, really.

Tobi slid in the wet grass and lost his balance at the edge of the pit, tumbling down the embankment. Ram tried to catch him, but wasn’t fast enough.

Tobi landed right in the writhing pile of snakes. Ram expected immediate hysterics. Screaming. Flailing. Instead, Tobi froze, staring at the snakes in a kind of abject, helpless horror. A sour taste filled Ram’s throat and his stomach churned. He’d seen that look before. Many times. His father screaming, hitting. His mother staring into nothing, welts darkening on her thighs. Ram started to feel like a total asshole and considered going down there, but his legs wouldn’t move. _So many snakes._

“You’re okay,” said Gage, his voice loud and clear. Ram turned to him in surprise. “They’re grass snakes. They’re not venomous.” He’d known that, of course. “Try not to disturb them too much, but they’re unlikely to bite you.”

Gage’s words did nothing to reassure Tobi, who made no move to extract himself from the mess. The snakes slithered around him, unconcerned by his presence.

Gage stepped forwards and slid down into the pit. He picked up handfuls of snakes, moving them off Tobi, gently setting them down elsewhere. He pulled off as many as he could and helped Tobi to his feet, still removing snakes. Gage took Tobi by the hand, tugging him back up the incline and out of the pit. Tobi stood at the edge, wide-eyed and shaking, staring vacantly into the distance.

Gage checked Tobi for any sign of snakes, carefully patting him down. “You’re okay,” he repeated. “You’re safe now.” Tobi shuddered and leaned into him. Gage ran a hand along Tobi’s back, rubbing it, rocking side-to-side with him. “The police will be here soon.”


	7. [2.2]

Ram left Gage and Tobi and headed for the nearest shrub. His stomach wouldn’t stop flipping and he was afraid he was going to be sick, but nothing came out. He smoked another cigarette to calm down and waited until the last minute before heading back to the bus.

Tobi and Gage sat at the front, forcing Ram to do something he’d never done before. He sat beside them. At the front of the bus like a fucking loser. As close to authority as possible.

Tobi sat against the window and leaned lightly against Gage, hugging his arm.

“Are you okay?” asked Ram.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Tobi glared at him.

It took a tremendous amount of courage, but Ram stood his ground, fighting the urge to retreat with his tail between his legs. He knew he’d messed up. Again. Didn’t feel like having it rubbed in his face. “It was a bad joke, okay? I went too far.”

“No shit.”

Ram didn’t like Tobi being angry with him. It made everything feel wrong. “Hey, how was I supposed to know you’re terrified of snakes?” He hated feeling cornered. Trapped. Made him want to lash out. “The _nerd_ was braver than you. You could have at least acted tough. That’s what you do, isn’t it?”

Gage frowned at him. “You’re not helping.”

Ram shut up, fighting the urge to slink off to the back of the bus.

After a while Tobi put his head on Gage’s shoulder and closed his eyes. Ram wasn’t sure if he was sleeping or resting.

Ram struggled to think of something to say, but Gage beat him to it. “Do you feel bad for what you did to Tobi?”

“What kind of question is that? Are you asking if I’m a sociopath?”

“Are you?”

“I wish. Would make my life a lot easier.” Ram knew all about sociopaths. Most of the serial killers he admired fell into that category. It would be nice to not care about anyone. Nice not to feel compelled to break down a door to make his father stop beating his mother, despite knowing what the consequences would be.

Gage nodded in agreement. “Most likely. Emotions make everything difficult.”

“Yeah … They do.” Ram sighed heavily. His stomach still felt like it had been tied into knots and thrown in a blender. “I don’t take steroids, for the record. So you can stop worrying about my balls.” He’d tried a “supplement” to help build muscle last year. He’d only been taking it a few months when he was overcome by the urge to kick his father’s cat down the stairs, which he did _not_ do, but he’d _wanted_ to so fucking _badly_ it scared him. From that point onwards he decided only to take drugs that made him _less_ rageful. He never wanted to be in that situation again.

“Oh, good.” Gage appeared relieved.

“Why did you say the cops were coming?”

“I repeat things sometimes.”

“You’re a strange guy.”

“Aren’t we all?”

Ram couldn’t argue with that.


	8. [3.1] Ram

Biology class usually bored Ram, unless they were cutting things open, but the day’s lesson on evolution took an interesting turn. They talked about defensive adaptations, which lead to a discussion of venomous creatures. It made Ram think about Serial killer Elaine Harwood, who milked tiger spiders and injected her victims with it, paralyzing them, forcing them to watch helplessly as she consumed them one limb at a time.

Tobi lacked his enthusiasm, asleep at his desk, head on his keyboard. Must have had a late night. Mrs. Kalacran knew he was sleeping, but made no attempt to wake him. 

Gage squirmed in his seat, trying to contain his excitement. He held a piece of green string he kept in his desk, tying it into complicated knots. Ram made the mistake of asking about the string and learned more than he wanted to about knots. _Four main types. Thousands of combinations._ Gage said the knots made him less anxious. Ram asked what he had to be so damn anxious about. Gage stared at him like he’d spoken in an alien language and replied, “Everything.”

Ram admired the amount of self-restraint Gage showed in waiting until his turn to speak. The kid refrained from dominating the conversation despite knowing far more about animal biology than their teacher.

Mrs. Kalacran undoubtedly appreciated the effort and paused once in a while, giving him the chance to say something. “Gage. What’s an example of an animal with a unique defense adaptation?”

Gage beamed. “The blue-banded crested ground squirrel. It kills poisonous tree frogs and smears the poison all over its quills. They used to live all over this area, but they’re almost extinct now. I’ve seen one, but it was dead. It got squished by a car. There was guts everywhere.”

Ram snorted softly. “There’s one living under my ammo shed. It’s lucky I haven’t blown its brains out. Would look good on my wall.” Several months ago he’d installed a night vision camera, allowing him to watch the animal. It interested him, though he’d never admit that to anyone.

Gage glared at him. “There’s a $100,000 fine for illegally shooting an endangered species.”

Ram shrugged. “There goes my allowance.”

When the dismissal bell rang, Ram headed for his locker. He placed the biology textbook he was going to _try_ to read in his backpack and closed the door, surprised to see Gage standing there.

Gage stared at him intently, making him feel strangely vulnerable. 

“ _What_?” asked Ram, staring back.

“Is there really a blue-banded crested ground squirrel living under your ammo shed?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“You’re not going to shoot it, are you? That was a joke, right?”

“Relax. It was a joke. If I wanted to kill the damn thing, it would be dead.” Ram didn’t care much for hunting, illegal or otherwise. He didn’t like the idea of hurting something that couldn’t hurt back. There was no challenge. No sport. He didn’t even like hunting games, except for _Rocket Deer_ , but the deer were armed with rocket launchers, and it felt like a fair fight.

“I want to see it.”

Ram had never had a visitor over before. The only kids he associated with were kids who had enough money of their own not to have to pretend to like him. “Uh, sure, whatever. You free after school?”

“Yes.” Gage pulled out his phone and dialed a number. “Nana. I’m going to Ramiel’s house after school. He has a blue-banded crested ground squirrel living under his ammo shed. Okay. Love you. Bye.” 

“You live with your grandmother?”

“My parents are dead.”

“Oh. That sucks.” Ram knew he should drop the subject, but the part of him that loved reading about mass murderers and cannibalistic creeps _had_ to know. “How’d they die?”

“Plane crash.”

“Shit.” He didn’t know what else to say.

Tobi approached, looking like an extra in _March of the Zombies._

“Up all night playing with yourself?” teased Ram.

“I had to write my social studies essay.” Tobi rubbed an eye with his arm and gave his head a shake.

“The one Mrs. Kalacran assigned us two weeks ago?” asked Gage, looking horrified.

“Yeah. I haven’t had the chance to work on it.”

“You should go to bed early tonight,” said Gage. “Not getting enough sleep is severely detrimental to your mental and physical health, especially for someone your age. Studies have shown that sleep deprivation kills brain cells in mice.”

“I can’t. I have dance class, then piano, then a lesson with my acting coach.”

Ram huffed. “Is your mom one of those psycho stage moms who loses her shit if you don’t get nominated for every award imaginable? Blink twice if you need us to rescue you.”

Tobi smiled in a way that convinced Ram he was telling the truth. “No, she’s not like that.”

Ram reached into his backpack and withdrew a small pill container, discretely slipping it into Tobi’s hand. “Here, take this. It’s caffeine ... mostly. It’ll help you stay awake. Don’t take too many. And don’t take them every day.”

“Thanks.” Tobi nodded at him in appreciation and tucked the container in his backpack. His phone went off and he glanced at the screen. “Awh, shit. Gotta run. Later!” He took off down the hall, leaving him with Gage, who stared at him like he’d dumped a box of puppies in the trash.

“Don’t look at me like that.”

“You shouldn’t be giving him drugs.”

“I’d prefer he gets them from me than some kid in his dance class whose dealer cuts all his cocaine with cancer-causing baby powder. I’d never give anything to anyone with knowing exactly what it is, exactly where it came from, and sampling the product beforehand. Strictly for quality control purposes, you see.”

Gage considered this for a long time. His glare eventually softened and he uncrossed his arms. “Makes sense.” 

“What about you? Want something that makes your brain feel like sponge cake?”

“No, thank you. I have Uncle Harild’s pickled halo root mushrooms for that.”

“… Aren’t those deadly?”

“They are, but when they’re properly processed and pickled for six months, it eliminates most of the toxins.”

“Huh. We should try them sometime.”

“Okay. But it’ll make you feel like someone removed your brain and replaced it with colourful cotton.”

“No worries there. I’m used to that.”


	9. [3.2]

The family driver usually picked him up, but Ram’s mom volunteered to swing by the school on her way back from shopping. He expected her to forget about him, based on previous experience. He ranked so low on her list of priorities that a shoe sale was more important than collecting her son. To his surprise, she pulled up in her purple convertible.

Ram got in the car, letting Gage sit up front.

“Who’s your adorable little friend?” asked Mom.

“Gage,” replied Ram.

“Hello.” Gage smiled at his mom and turned to look at him, cheeks flushed pink. “You didn’t tell me your mom is an angel.”

Ram rolled his eyes.

Mom laughed. “Thank you, sweetheart. What’s your family name?”

“Behren.”

“Aah, you must know Felicia Behren.”

“She’s my nana.”

“No way! I adore Felicia. Her fundraisers are the best. How come I never see you there?”

“I hate those things. Too many people.”

“I hate them, too,” said Ram. “Bunch of assholes standing around, trying to make themselves feel less like assholes by throwing money at starving children and disappearing forests.”

“You guys are no fun.” Mom changed the subject. “Are you in Ram’s class, Gage?”

“Yes. Ram sits at the back. He usually draws instead of taking notes.”

“Quiet, you,” grumbled Ram.

“I did the same thing in school,” said Mom. “Never enjoyed it. Dropped out as soon as I could.”

“I like school. Most of it’s stuff I already know, but Nana won’t let me skip grades. She says I’m better off with kids my age and I shouldn’t be in a hurry to grow up.”

“She’s just lookin’ out for you. That’s what grandmothers do.”

Ram had never met Grandma Nadia, who died while his mom was little, but he’d been close to Grandma Atherton. She drowned in the lake by her cottage a week after Ram’s twelfth birthday. He loved spending time with her. It always perplexed him that a woman so warm and caring could create his father. Made him wonder what went wrong.

“Any idea what you wanna do after graduation?” asked Mom.

“I’m going to get my Doctorate in Animal Bioscience from the University of Syder.”

“That’s fantastic! Gonna be a vet?”

“No. Long, unpredictable hours and compassion fatigue don’t appeal to me. I’d rather focus on research and wildlife conservation.”

“Compassion fatigue? The fuck is that?” asked Ram.

“Mnh … It’s like getting burnt out, but it’s caused by the trauma of constantly euthanizing animals, especially in cases where the owner is unable or unwilling to pay for proper care, resulting in unnecessary death. Symptoms include mental and physical exhaustion, apathy, and depression.”

“Oh. Yeah, that would suck.”

“Sure would,” agreed Mom. “Sounds like you’ve got it all figured out. Ram’s goin’ to business school. Aren’t ya, Ram?”

“Yeah,” he lied. God, anything but that. Maybe he’d just run away after graduation. Drain his bank account. Find a nice beach to live on.

Gage turned to look at him. “I thought you’d want to race fast cars or play full-contact sports. Something dangerous.”

Ram folded his arms across his chest. “Fooled you, didn’t I?”


	10. [3.3]

They arrived at Ram’s house and exited the car.

“Thank you for the ride, Mrs. Atherton,” said Gage. “It was nice meeting you.”

“You’re welcome, sweetie. You boys stay outta trouble now.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Ram headed for his shed. “Come on, this way.”

It was a short walk through the trees. Ram had several sheds, filled with various things, but this one stored his ammunition and a few weapons, for use on the range or shooting targets in the bush.

He entered the alarm code on the panel and led Gage to where he’d set up a large monitor, showing what the night vision camera picked up. The image was shockingly clear, produced using technology developed for the military. He could see the strange, prickly creature lounging on its back.

“Wow!” Gage leaned in closer to the monitor, getting a good look. “How long have you been observing it?”

“Few months now. It goes out early in the morning and when it starts to get dark.”

Gage nodded eagerly. “Blue-banded crested squirrels are crepuscular and have a bimodal activity pattern, favouring the times before sunset and sunrise to look for food.” He stared at the screen, entranced, a big smile on his face, rocking excitedly on his toes.

Ram couldn’t help being a bit envious. Nothing excited him that much.

“Have you seen any others around?” asked Gage.

“No. Just that one.”

“Poor thing. It must be lonely. Crested ground squirrels are very social. They’re the only type of squirrel that practices monogamy instead of polygynandry. They mate for life.” Gage glanced around the shed, eying boxes of ammo. “I’m surprised it sticks around, with you out there blasting things.”

“Same. Maybe it’s old. Can’t hear too good.”

“It might be deaf.”

“Shall we test that theory? I’ll go fire a few shots and you can see if it reacts.”

“Okay.”

Ram went to the glass cabinet containing some of his guns and unlocked it, removing his favourite pistol. He loaded the gun and stepped outside, firing at a nearby target, letting off several shots. He returned to Gage, surprised to find himself actually curious about the result. Apparently science experiments were interesting when they involved gunfire.

“It hears fine,” informed Gage. “It jumped every time you fired.” Gage’s focus drifted to the gun in his hand.

“Is that a Trig 24B?”

“Yeah. You know about guns?”

“I like guns. Nana taught me how to shoot.”

“Why?”

Gage tilted his head, staring at him strangely, as if the answer was obvious. “In case I need to shoot someone.”


	11. [4.1] Gage

Gage’s room was quiet, dark, and cool. Three conditions for optimal sleep, thanks to belonging to a species whose ancestors slept in caves. He needed all the help he could get. He fell asleep easily enough with the tea Nana gave him, a combination of melatonin and soporific herbs, but he woke up easily. All it took was distant sirens, or strong winds, or a partridge chirping outside his window that sounded like someone jumping on a rusty trampoline.

At 9:30 PM every night he drank his tea and by 10 PM he was asleep. He had to get up at 7 AM, which meant nine hours of sleep. Nine hours was an appropriate amount of sleep for a teenage boy, especially one whose ability to self-regulate depended on getting enough rest. Without it, his temper was harder to control. Unwanted impulses harder to ignore. He was more likely to have a meltdown. Gage hadn’t had a meltdown in months, but the possibility was always there, refusing to be ignored. Losing control scared him. Made him feel ashamed. The aftermath of a meltdown was the only time he ever felt fundamentally different from other people, because most people didn’t have to scream and throw things if they didn’t want to. They didn’t have to bang their heads on the floor.

It was the weekend and Gage didn’t _need_ to be awake, but getting up at the same time every day ensured his body knew exactly what was expected of it and helped him plan his schedule.

Gage glanced at his clock. 6:55 AM. He waited for his alarm to go off, taking the time to mentally review his plans for the day. Knowing exactly what was going to happen, and when, eased a lot of anxiety.

7:00 AM - Get up.

7:00 - 7:05 AM - Bathroom. Get dressed.

7:05 - 7:30 AM - Feed animals. Tidy cages.

7:30 - 7:45 AM - Breakfast. Take vitamins and medicine.

7:45 - 8:15 AM - Shower. Masturbate.

8:15 - 8:45 AM - Take animals for a walk.

8:45 - 11:45 AM - Perform any necessary grooming or maintenance on animals. Training exercises. Play time.

11:45 AM - 12:15 PM - Lunch.

12:45 - 1:45 PM - Therapy with Dr. Marwan.

1:45 - 4:45 PM - Reading/studying.

4:45 - 5:45 PM - Play cards with Nana.

5:45 - 6:45 PM - Help Nana prepare dinner.

6:45 - 7:15 PM - Dinner.

7:15 - 9:30 PM - Entertainment. Alone time. Find a good documentary, or play video games, or watch porn.

9:30 PM - Drink tea.

Gage’s alarm sounded – crescent whale noises recorded at Blue Mountain Animal Rehabilitation Centre. He had no idea what Starly the whale was saying, but it sounded beautiful. He turned the alarm off and got up, adjusting the thermostat and opening the blinds. Light flooded into the room and he hissed softly, covering his eyes with an arm.

He opened his bedroom door, allowing desert foxes Tinker, Aloysius, and Cee to hop off the bed and race for the back door. They’d be able to get outside to do their morning business. Farn the dwarf Itherian tree cat yawned and stretched languidly, then curled up in Gage’s spot. He kissed Farn’s tiny head and shuffled off to the bathroom.

At breakfast, Gage sat across from Nana, listening to the sound of Dezmodeus snoring in the living room. The dog snored _and_ farted regularly, resulting in his banishment from Gage’s bedroom at night. It was incredible how much noise one little dog could make.

“Gage.”

Gage shifted his focus to Nana, making momentary eye contact, so she’d know he was listening.

“What would you like to do for your birthday this year?”

He’d be fifteen next weekend. One thing immediately came to mind. “Eat lots of cake.”

“Anything else?”

“Can we visit Mugi?”

“I don’t see why not.” She took a bite of scrambled eggs and chewed slowly. The sound bothered him, but wasn’t loud or obtrusive enough to cause significant distress. Just one of those things he had to deal with. “Is there anyone you’d like to invite?”

“You.”

“I’ll be there, kiddo. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Nana took a bite of toast and Gage cringed. “What about that Atherton boy?”

“Ramiel.” Gage nodded, because that’s what people did when they were sure of something. “He can come. And Tobi. He’s an actor, but he’s nice.”

“Two people!” Nana threw her hands in the air, like someone celebrating a goal. “Thank God!” She got up and danced around the kitchen.

Gage finished his grape juice, wondering what God had to do with it.


	12. [4.2]

Gage first saw Dr. Marwan when he was four years old. Back then it was twenty hours a week. Now they were down to one. When he was six, and ready to start school, Dr. Marwan told him, “I don’t want to change you. You’re amazing the way you are. Instead, I’m going to give you the tools you need to live in a world that expects and craves normality. It’s entirely up to you whether or not you use them.”

“The first thing I’m going to put in your toolkit is a chameleon suit. You can put it on whenever you want to blend in. When you want to make a bully think you’re no different than they are. When you want the outcome of a job interview to be based on your credentials, not avoiding eye contact. Or for when you have to suffer through dinner with your in-laws, who believe the world is flat, and all you want to do is sit in the corner with the dog. Wearing your chameleon suit will make you tired, so don’t put it on unless it’s worth the effort. Being a chameleon is hard work.”

Dr. Marwan taught him how to be more flexible, less adverse to change. He’d reached the point where sudden changes to his schedule were stressful, but acceptable. He learned how to minimise his anxiety. Breathe properly. Reduce overstimulation. For the most part, they’d moved beyond working on his behaviour and building up his mental toolkit, to talking about things that bothered him and coming up with solutions. He looked forward to their sessions. It was nice to talk to someone who understood how his brain worked.

Waiting for people made his anxiety spike. Gage paced around the kitchen, counting the number of tiles beneath his feet. He liked numbers. Numbers were reassuring. The number of tiles in the floor was always the same. The properties of a number were absolute. Unchanging. Unaffected by personal opinions and prejudices.

Dezmodeus’ barking alerted him to Dr. Marwan’s arrival. He scooped the dog up and reprimanded him firmly. “Quiet, Dezimonster.” Dezmodeus huffed and drooled on his shirt.

Gage opened the door for Dr. Marwan, letting him in. They went to Nana’s study and sat down, placing Dezmodeus in his lap.

“What’s new with you?” asked Dr. Marwan.

“My birthday’s coming up next week.”

“Ah, that’s right! Got anything special planned?”

“Nana’s taking me to see Mugi. I’m going to invite Ramiel and Tobi.” He’d mentioned Ram and Tobi before. He could relate to Ram. They both did bad things and felt bad about it afterward. They both like guns. Tobi made him feel like it was okay to be himself. Like he never had to put on his chameleon suit. It didn’t matter if he flapped his arms, or hummed, or wore sunglasses in the cafeteria. Tobi never looked at him like he was strange. Sometimes Gage had a hard time telling what someone was feeling, based on their expression, but he’d seen that look often enough to identify it. “Tobi wants to meet him.”

“It’s nice to see you take an interest in _two_ people.”

Two was a good number. The only even prime number. And the smallest. The essence of dualities and binaries. “Nana thanked God, but I don’t see how he was involved.”

“It’s nice to have a connection with someone, isn’t it?”

Gage wasn’t sure about that. Caring about someone meant worrying about them. He worried about Nana falling down the stairs or forgetting to take her medication. He worried about Ram doing something stupid and getting arrested. He worried about Tobi not getting enough sleep and taking too many caffeine pills. “It’s stressful.”

“Relationships of any kind will always have stressful moments. In a good relationship, the happy moments outnumber the stressful ones. If a relationship only stresses you out, or the moments of joy are few and far between, it’s important to evaluate whether or not that relationship is worth keeping. Does that make sense?”

“Yes. If you’re going to worry about someone, they’d better be worth the effort.”

“Exactly.”

Gage had always wanted a friend. He wasn’t immune to loneliness, but he’d never met anyone at school whose company was preferable to his own. Until now.

The ultimate goal was to get a _girl_ friend. He was wanted to know how it felt to kiss a girl. How it felt to slide a hand between her thighs and make her entire body blush. That wasn’t something he could experience on his own.

“I’m sure you’ll all have a good time with Mugi,” said Dr. Marwan.

Gage grinned and rocked excitedly. “Mugi is always a good time.”


	13. [5.1] Gage

Gage arrived at the wildlife rehababilitation centre early. He wanted to help out for a few hours before Ram and Tobi showed up. There were always cages to clean and dishes to wash. Never enough volunteers.

He collected turtle eggs, administered preventative parvovirus vaccines to a dozen raccoons, then helped Dasha prepare enrichment materials for a juvenile indigo owl. Enrichment materials were designed to stimulate/entertain an animal and encourage behaviours repressed by captivity. In the owl’s case, this meant cardboard boxes and tubes, a rabbit pelt, a rotten log full of mealworms, pinecones, a mirror, and a rope toy. Gage made the rope toys himself, which he also donated to several animal shelters. 

Tobi arrived first. Gage went out to greet him. It was nice to see someone look happy to see him. Usually he only had that effect on dogs. Tobi held a thin, rectangular present wrapped in gold paper and hugged him tightly. Gage liked hugging Tobi. The pressure reassured him. Made him feel safe. And Tobi always smelled nice. Like neroli oil and a barely noticeable hint of sandalwood.

“Happy birthday!” Tobi released him and squeezed Gage’s left hand. Gage squeezed back. “Do you feel older?”

“I don’t know.” The question caught him off guard. He wasn’t sure how he felt. He’d never thought about it before. Needed a moment to analyse the data. He was different from last year. He noticed girls more often. Had more interest in touching them. Felt tenser. More frustrated. Spent more time playing with his dick. Sometimes he got angry for no reason and spent hours in his room listening to depressing music, which never appealed to him before. “I guess so.”

Tobi held out his present. “Hope you like it.”

“Can I open it now?” Nana would want him to wait until they had cake, but he hated waiting.

“Sure.”

Gage tore off the wrapping. Inside was a copy of _The Hidden World of Tufted Eared Seals_ by Xavier Putnam. Xavier was a naturalist who lived in a cabin on Lake Taina and studied tufted eared seals, the only freshwater species of seal on the planet. His work was regarded by the academic community as the most important study of its kind. Gage gingerly opened the book and looked at the publication information. First edition. 2495. 102 years ago.

The resulting surge of emotion overwhelmed him slightly, feeling too many things at once. He wasn’t sure what to say, dredging up facts to fill the silence. “Xavier Putman won the Heartleaf Medal for outstanding achievement in the biological sciences in 2498. He was the first non-indigenous person to discover tufted eared seals.”

“You know him!” Tobi grinned widely. “I’m relieved.”

Gage carefully flipped through the pages, admiring the detailed illustrations. Thin sheets of tissue paper separated the illustrations from the following page. They were called “tissue guards” and designed to prevent ink from transferring between pages. The book was bound in smooth brown leather and smelled the way only old books smell. The chemical breakdown of cellulose and lignin. Almonds and vanilla. “It’s beautiful. Thank you. I hope it wasn’t too expensive.”

“Nah. My dad bought a bunch of old books at an estate sale. He agreed it was better off with someone who’ll actually appreciate it.”

“I will. Thank you again.” Gage couldn’t wait to read the book. Tufted eared seals were fascinating. Their claws were specialized for carving through thick lake ice, bigger than their sea-faring relatives. “Nana’s here. She’s visiting with Corine in staff room. We’re just waiting for Ram.”

“Your parents aren’t coming?”

“No. They’re dead.” Gage didn’t mind talking about it. He’d come a long way, considering he’d said nothing for a year, six months, and fifteen days following the accident, unable to speak. Dr. Marwan called it _selective mutism_.

“Sorry.”

As fine as he was with the topic, Gage knew it made most people uncomfortable and sad. He didn’t want Tobi to be uncomfortable or sad, so he changed the subject. “It’s okay. Thank you for coming. I know you’re really busy.” He caught Tobi’s gaze and held it. Doing so was always intense, usually to the point of discomfort. Made it hard to focus. With Tobi, he didn’t mind as much, at least for a little while. Tobi’s eyes were a pretty, oceanic blue. Blue was a relaxing colour.

Tobi leaned towards him, their foreheads lightly touching. “I’m happy to be here.”

A car pulled up and Ram stepped out. Gage didn’t hug him, because Ram had said or done nothing to indicate he liked hugs.

“Hey.” Ram greeted them, holding a small box, wrapped in red. He turned to Tobi and narrowed his eyes. “What are you wearing?”

“Fernando Olivier’s spring collection.”

“It’s _pink_.”

“It’s desert rose.”

Gage inspected Tobi’s jacket, running his fingers over the soft, _desert rose_ -coloured fabric. “I like it.” 

Ram rolled his eyes and handed Gage his present. “I hate shopping for rich kids. So hard to find shit they don’t already have.”

Gage tucked the book under his arm and unwrapped the box. Inside was a large heavily serrated shark tooth. Dark grey. About seven inches long. The condition was almost immaculate, with only a small chip on one side. Gage knew of only one species of shark that reached such a large size, extinct now for over 3 million years. “Wow. A razor shark tooth.”

“Yeah. Those things were awesome. Could shred a fucking elephant.”

“Indeed. Thank you.”

“No problem.”

Gage glanced at the time on his watch. “We should go. I told Eric we’d help him feed some wolf cubs. They need goat milk five times a day.”

“Did you rent out the place?” asked Ram.

“No.” Gage turned and headed for the main building. “I own it.”


	14. [5.2]

The wolf pups suckled as if they’d been starving for days. Ravenous in the desire to fill their tiny stomachs. If Gage hadn’t known they’d been fed twice already, he would have been concerned. They were all good feeders, putting on lots of weight, getting stronger. At thirteen days old, their eyes were starting to open. In a few days their milk incisors would erupt and they’d be able to start eating soft food. They vocalised constantly, whining softly.

Each pup drank most of its bottle. Gage recorded the amount of milk consumed, then showed Ram and Tobi how to burp them.

“They’re so damn cute,” said Tobi, patting his pup on the back. “You think they’ll be able to go back to the wild?”

“As long as they don’t develop a fondness for humans, they should be fine. The wolves on-site will teach them how to act like wolves.”

They handed the pups back to Eric and stepped outside.

“Can we check out the other wolves?” asked Ram.

“Okay.” Gage took them to the wolf enclosure. They walked along the fence until reaching a shady spot where the wolves liked to congregate mid-day and nap.

“Fuck, they’re bigger than I thought they’d be.” Ram pressed against the fence, taking photos with his phone.

“How do you know when they’re ready to go home?” asked Tobi.

“Once they’re cleared of any medical conditions, weight is an important factor. Being underweight is a disadvantage in the wild and puts them at risk, so every animal at this facility needs to reach a certain weight before it can be released.” Gage watched the wolves laze in the shadows. He could observe them for hours. “Want to hear something neat?”

“Sure,” said Tobi.

Gage howled. The wolves howled back, forming a chorus. For nearly two minutes they carried on, encouraged by several staff members, along with Tobi and Ram.

“That was awesome.” Ram grinned widely. It was nice to see him smile. He didn’t do it very often.

“Mugi’s right over here.” Gage stepped away from the fence. Sudden stiffness invaded his joints and pain flared along his back. He wasn’t sure if it was from harvesting too many turtle eggs or a sudden drop in barometric pressure. He ignored it and continued onwards. 

“How long have you had Mugi?” asked Tobi.

“I was two-and-a-half when he was brought here. My mom rescued him when he was two days old. Mugi and his parents belonged to a man who bred waterbears for the illegal pet trade. The bears were all malnourished and sick. Mugi’s mom died after a month. His dad died four days later. Because Mugi is imprinted on people and would fail catastrophically to fend for himself in the wild, he can’t be released. But I don’t feel too bad for him. He really likes it here.” None of Mugi’s behaviours indicated he was unhappy or stressed. No pacing, or swaying. No blowing air, huffing, or tooth clacking.

“This place must be expensive to run. How do you pay for everything?” asked Ram.

“Fundraising and government grants cover about half our expenses. Around 1.2 million dollars annually. I pay for the rest using income from other sources.”

“God damn.”

“I don’t mind.”

Mugi’s enclosure was 5 acres. It included a large pond, where Mugi spent most of his time, an apple orchard, a berry batch, a stand of ancient trees, complete with a treehouse, and an underground den. 

Mugi must have smelled them coming, because he sat waiting at the main entrance to his enclosure. Gage ran to him, despite his joints aching in protest. Mugi stood up, reaching his full height of 11 feet, and Gage threw his arms around him. Mugi hugged him, making purring noises, like the clacking of rotor blades. The sound of a happy bear.


	15. [5.3]

Gage finally let go of Mugi. He turned to see Ram and Tobi standing about thirty feet back.

“Fucking hell,” exclaimed Ram. “That thing is _huge._ It could crush you.”

“Easily,” agreed Gage. “Mugi’s almost 2,500 pounds. But he’s very gentle. Come see.”

Neither Ram or Tobi moved.

“He knows you. What if he hates me?” asked Ram.

“The only thing Mugi hates is cabbage,” assured Gage.

“He can eat you first.” Ram shoved Tobi forwards. Tobi directed a rude gesture at Ram and continued advancing, coming up behind Gage, pressing close. Ram followed.

Mugi made a low sound at the back of his throat and reached for Tobi’s hand. He tapped lightly with 4 inch claws, then pawed at his own chest.

“He wants you to pet him,” said Gage.

“You’re not so tough,” muttered Tobi. He reached out, running his fingers through Mugi’s thick silver-blue fur. “You’re just a big baby.” He wasn’t far from the truth. Mugi had never displayed aggressive behaviour towards anyone. There was no wildness to him. Even if he could be released, Gage knew what would happen. Mugi might wander around for a bit, but at some point he’d return to where he’d been dropped off and expect to be taken home. He’d want back scratches and belly rubs. Cantaloupes stuffed with honey and ham. He’d rather die in that spot than lose the only life he’s ever known.

It didn’t happen very often, thankfully, but every so often, there were cases in wildlife rehabilitation of animals with no desire to be free. They were like long-term prisoners, more comfortable on the inside than the outside.

“I thought bears were supposed to stink,” said Ram. Mugi had a musky odour, but it was far from offensive.

“Only when they’ve been rolling in dead things. They’re actually rather clean.” Gage’s back spasmed and whined. “Let’s go sit by the pond.”

Gage scratched Mugi’s head as they walked. Tobi and Ram reached out to pet him. Mugi was slightly less intimidating on all fours. 

Gage sat on a bench overlooking Mugi’s pond and took a deep breath. Mugi sat on the ground next to him, nuzzling his leg. He reached into his pocket and removed several painkillers, dry swallowing them.

“Painkillers? Why are you in pain?” asked Ram.

“I have post-traumatic osteoarthritis. My joints hurt.”

“Arthritis?” Ram narrowed his eyes. “Is this like that horror movie where the old guy has some kind of genetic disorder, and pretends to be a kid, and eats his foster parents?”

“No. I broke 28 bones. My spine had to be fused back together.”

“Holy shit. Why so many?”

“Plane crash.”

“Same crash your parents were in, or is your family just really unlucky when it comes to flying?”

“Same crash. I was the only survivor.”

“How old were you?” asked Tobi.

“Four.”

“God, that must have been so scary.”

“I don’t remember much. The plane got caught in a bad storm. It was struck by lightning and crashed in a field.” Gage had only a few scattered memories of the event. The plane shaking and bouncing. His mom praying. Flashes of light filling the cabin. Waking up in the rain, unable to move, being more outside his body than in it.

“That’s awful.” Tobi leaned over and rubbed the back of his arm. “Are you afraid to fly?”

“No, but I’m not fond of turbulence.”

“You’re so brave. I don’t think I could do it.”

“The odds of being in a plane crash are low. The odds of being in two plane crashes is lower. Unless you’re a terrible pilot.”

“Does it hurt often?” asked Tobi.

“It’s not bad if I don’t do anything too strenuous. Must have overdone it today.” He shook his head. “Doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine.” The painkillers would kick in soon. “I want to show you Mugi’s treehouse.” He scratched behind Mugi’s ear, making the bear drool. “He’s very spoiled.”

It was what his mom would have wanted. A lifetime of heaven to recompense for being born into hell.


	16. [6.1] Tobi

Tobi couldn’t take it anymore. He picked up his phone and called Gage, holding his breath while it rang.

“Hi, Tobi.” Gage’s voice filled his ears, making him tingle.

Tobi exhaled slowly. “Hey! Sorry to bother you so early. I wanted to ask you something.”

“You’re not bothering me. Go ahead.”

It was driving him crazy. He needed to know. “Do you think we could be more than friends?”

A moment of silence. “Like best friends?”

“Like boyfriends.”

Gage went silent again. A long, unbearable pause. “I’ve never wanted a boyfriend. Only girlfriends.”

 _Shit_.

“Awh. I had to try. I think you’re really smart, and brave, and cute.”

“Thank you.”

“Can I still hug you?” asked Tobi. “And hold your hand? Or will that make you feel weird?”

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”

“All right.” He was grateful Gage wasn’t weirded out by him. They could continue as if nothing had happened. “Does your back feel better?”

“Yes. It doesn’t hurt this morning.”

“Good. Well, I’ll let you go. See you at school tomorrow.”

“See you.”

Tobi hung up the phone. It wasn’t the first time a boy had rejected him, and wouldn’t be the last, but it sucked, damnit. He didn’t want to abandon the fantasy of kissing Gage’s pillowy, pouty lips, but if they were doomed to be friends it was better not to go there.

He emerged from his bedroom in a funk, still dressed in his pajamas, and sunk into a kitchen chair.

Mum stood at the counter, pouring herself a cup of tea. She came over and kissed the top of his head. “What’s wrong, Tobes?”

“I have a crush on Gage.” As if that wasn’t obvious. He talked about Gage constantly and his quest for the perfect birthday present bordered on maniacal. “I was hoping he’d feel the same way, but he doesn’t.”

“I’m sorry, hun.” Mum rubbed his back. “I know what’ll make you feel better. Go see if your father’s still alive. I haven’t seen him in hours. Ask if he’s hungry.”

Tobi got up, happy to have an excuse to interrupt his dad. The man worked almost constantly when he was home, which was rare. A human rights lawyer, Damian Haines spent more time in the air than on the ground, representing clients all over the planet.

He knocked on the study door.

“You may enter.” His dad’s tone was exaggerated and dramatic, like the castle guard in a comedy sketch.

Tobi smiled and let himself in, closing the door behind him.

“Tobi.” His dad grinned at him from behind his desk, long blond hair pulled back in a ponytail, rimless glasses perched at the end of his nose. “How’d it go yesterday? Did Gage like his book?” Tobi had worked himself into a frenzy, trying to find the perfect gift, only to find it sitting on his dad’s bookshelf.

“He loved it.” Tobi pulled out his phone from the pocket of his pajama pants and pulled up a photo he’d taken of Gage hugging Mugi.

“Saint Armen in a wheelbarrow. _That’s_ Mugi?”

“Yeah. Gage said I can visit him whenever I want. We should go sometime.”

“We should.” Another photo. Gage sitting on Mugi’s back, staring off into the distance. “ _Wow_. I’m seriously impressed.”

“They grew up together. Gage’s nana showed me a photo of him when he was around three, sleeping in Mugi’s lap.” Tobi put his phone away and signed softly. “I asked him out this morning, but he’s not interested.”

“Awh, fuck.”

“Whatever. I’ll live. He still wants to be friends.” No point in dwelling on it. Time to move on. “What are you working on?”

“Trying to negotiate with the Axian government to release a group of protestors from Howan.”

“What were they protesting?”

“The Axian government.”

“Oh, boy.” Tobi shook his head. His dad was always fighting with those jerks. “Mum wants you to take a break and eat something.”

Dad stood up and stretched. “Will do.”

They entered the kitchen, where Tobi’s mum was hard at work putting the finishing touches on a trio of ice cream sundaes loaded with roasted strawberries and chocolate sauce.

Dad elbowed him lightly. “You should have boy problems more often.”

They dug in, and while it was obvious that they all enjoyed the treat, Mum attacked hers with exceptional ferocity, practically inhaling it.

“Damn,” commented Tobi. “I didn’t realise we were racing.”

Mum flushed and looked to his dad. “Should we tell him?”

“Tell me what?” asked Tobi.

“Nah, we should make him suffer a while longer,” said Dad.

“Hey! Tell me _what_?”

Mum smiled brightly and squeezed Dad’s hand. “You’re going to be a big brother.”


	17. [6.2]

“Mum’s pregnant!” Tobi burst into Alec’s studio, unable to contain himself. The thought of being a big brother filled him with joy. Being an only child was lonely. A sibling meant someone he could take to the park and read bedtime stories to. Someone he could teach to fish and dress up in matching outfits with. He just wished his parents hadn’t waited so damn long. By the time the kid was old enough to develop a personality, Tobi would be old enough to move out on his own.

“No way.” Alec looked stunned. “How the _hell_ did your old man find time for that?”

“That’s what I asked him.” Tobi laughed. “He said he’s a man of priorities.”

“Wonderful, wonderful.” Alec hugged him, rubbing his back affectionately. “I must have your parents over for dinner sometime soon. It’s been far too long.” Alec was around the same age as Tobi’s dad. Early 40’s. An accomplished actor turned acting coach. They’d worked one-on-one together for years. At some point they became friends. Alec took him to concerts and movies, helping to fill the void left by his dad’s absence.

During their sessions, Alec helped him with everything from preparing for auditions to developing roles. Recently, Tobi landed the lead role in a biographical film about Aegis Phillipi, a musical prodigy who lived several centuries ago. Aegis died at the age of 16, having been slowly poisoned by his jealous older sister.

Previous to his death, Aegis developed poison induced psychosis, leading to a series of spectacular breakdowns, including eating live goldfish and performing a piano concerto for the King of Karnite without any clothes on.

Filming was schedule to begin at the end of the year, after school was out. Tobi was relieved filming wouldn’t interfere with his attempt at being a normal teenager. For the last ten years his education had consisted of working with tutors. That was okay, but he liked being in a classroom. Liked being around people his own age. He’d never get to spend as much time with Gage and Ram if they weren’t in school together. Gage was adorable and while it was obvious Ram had _issues_ , Tobi appreciated his realness. He often found himself around people who only told him what he wanted to hear.

“What do you feel like working on today?” asked Alec. “More angry piano playing?”

During their last few sessions, Tobi had worked on _attacking_ Aegis’s _Forest Fire in B-Minor_ more so than playing it. Reports of Aegis performing for the Duchess of Eibon consisted of Aegis proclaiming his hatred for the Duchesses’s piano and playing it so loud that he snapped a piano string, ending his performance. Afterwards, he tried to burn it. Aegis was very passionate about pianos.

Tobi was unaccustomed to that level of rage. It wasn’t something he’d experienced. He had no experiences to draw on. Even when Liam died, he’d been more sad than angry.

It wasn’t the notes he needed to practice. That was what piano lessons were for. What he needed to get right, to convey with _verisimilitude_ , was the expression on his face while he played them.

The film’s director was delighted with Tobi’s willingness to takes lessons for the role, eliminating the need for a hand double. She bought Tobi a replica of Aegis’s piano to practice on. The love of Aegis’s life.

“Not today. I want to practice playing the piano like it’s the most beautiful thing in the world.” 

Aegis developed such strong feelings for his piano, he insisted on taking it with him for performances. Unfortunately for Aegis, movers damaged the piano beyond repair, and the young musician had a total nervous breakdown.

It was going to be the most difficult role Tobi had ever played, and that included four months of pretending to be dying from cancer. He was grateful for Alec’s help. Without him he’d be lost.

“That reminds me,” said Alec, “there’s a documentary we need to watch sometime. It’s all about people who develop romantic, even sexual, feelings for objects _._ ” Alec laughed and shook his head. “Should help both of us figure out how _that_ works.”

“It’s so weird,” muttered Tobi, approaching the piano. He tried to put himself in Aegis’s position. A spoiled prodigy. Constantly the centre of attention. Brain on fire. Experts estimated it took _four years_ for the low-grade poison Aegis’s sister slipped into his tea to kill him. Tormented by demons. In love with his piano. _Why_ didn’t really matter. Wasn’t something he needed to dwell on. What mattered was making it look convincing.

He lifted the piano cover, exposing the keys. Ran his fingers over them slowly, paying attention to each one. White notes. Black notes. Beautifully crafted. The power of creation. Infinite possibilities. Aegis could make music that made the heart ache or the mind sore.

“The only time Aegis was allowed to express himself was at the piano,” said Alec. “It was probably the only time he ever felt in control.”

“Why do you think he performed naked?” asked Tobi. The books he’d read on Aegis weren’t exactly clear on the subject.

“I have _no_ idea if it was a symbolic gesture or indicative of his brain melting. Possibly both.” Alec laughed. “Are you nervous about filming that scene?”

“No. It’s not a big deal.” Tobi wasn’t acting tough. He was genuinely okay with it. He had nothing to be worried about or ashamed of. He didn’t do fifty push-ups a day so he could look good with his clothes on. Besides, there was sure to be a sock or something involved to protect his non-existent modesty.

Tobi took off his shoes first. Sat down on the bench. He rubbed the end of the damper pedal with the front of his foot, feeling the cold metal on his skin. “Maybe he wanted to feel closer to the piano. Nothing between them.”

He’d might as well see what it was like. Take advantage of the rehearsal time. Their shooting schedule was tight and there wouldn’t be a lot of opportunities to explore the inner world of Aegis Phillipi.

Tobi stood up, shedding his clothes, and sat back down. The bench was soft and warm. He started to play. Gently. None of the headache-inducing pounding he’d practiced earlier. Not playing out of anger. Playing out of love.

Love he understood.


	18. [7.1] Ram

Ram had just loaded his last save point in _Dark Forgotten Seas_ when his phone rang. He assumed it was either a scam or someone trying to sell him something, but glanced at the screen regardless. _Tobi._

_Why the hell is he calling me?_

Ram paused the game and answered his phone. “Hey.”

“Hey. Do you have any plans for next weekend?” A long weekend, thanks to the birthday of some long-dead king.

“No. Why?”

“I’m going to Lake Taina with my parents. We have a cottage there. I thought you and Gage might want to join us.”

Ram wasn’t sure what to say, paralyzed by the shock of being invited. There was a difference between tolerating someone and liking them and he’d assumed Tobi only put up with him because of Gage.

“What do you do out there?” he finally managed. Lake Taina was in the middle of nowhere. Nothing but rocks, trees, and water. He’d never been there before. It was too far from civilization to appeal to either of his parents.

“Fish. Swim. Eat fire roasted hotdogs on the beach. In the fall we pick mushrooms. There’s lots of space. You’d have your own room.”

“Okay.” That didn’t sound too bad. At least there would be fire involved. It wasn’t like he had anything better planned. “Do you have a SyCube?” The latest video game system. It had lots of fun multiplayer games they could play.

“No. I don’t have a lot of time for gaming. I only have a Terminus.”

“I’ll bring mine. Anything else I should bring?”

“Some warm clothes, in case the weather goes to shit. It’s usually pretty nice, but you never know. Oh, I’m supposed to ask if you have any allergies or special dietary requirements.”

“No. I’ll eat anything.” He must have starved to death in previous lifetime, because there was nothing Ram wouldn’t eat. He liked everything from cilantro to black licorice. Texture wasn’t an issue. Boil food, puree it, leave it raw. Didn’t matter. He even liked bitter foods, which according to Gage was abnormal. _Humans naturally dislike the taste of bitter things because they’re usually poisonous._

“Okay, great. I’ll email you the directions.”

“Sounds good.”

“See you at school.”

“Bye.”

By the time the weekend came, Ram had accumulated two suitcases full of stuff. One contained clothes and his SyCube, the other a bunch of games and accessories. At the last minute he threw in a VR headset, his tooth collection, and a pound of imported blue chocolate, which his mom insisted he give to Tobi’s parents. She was also making him take a basket full of meats and cheeses, along with a bottle of wine he’d inevitably be tempted to open.

It was a five-and-a-half hour drive to Tobi’s cottage, according to the directions he sent. Instead of taking up the family driver’s time, Ram hired a limo. He asked Gage if he wanted to join him and was surprised when Gage said yes. He still found it hard to believe people actually wanted to be around him. It felt like a precarious position to be in. Like at any moment he could do or say the wrong thing and his new friends wouldn’t want anything to do with him anymore. They’d see who he really was and decide they didn’t like what they saw.

He picked up Gage in the limo and they set out for the lake.

Gage bounced excitedly in his seat, all wound up over the thought of seeing one of those seals with the weird ears. It was all he’d talked about since Tobi asked them to come. He stared out the window, humming softly to himself.

Ram had other things on his mind. Like the conversation Tobi had with Gage. Gage told him all about it. “You don’t think it’s strange, hanging out with Tobi, knowing he wants to suck your dick?”

Gage turned away from the window and stared at him. “He never said that.”

“It’s a safe assumption.”

“What difference does it make?” asked Gage.

“It doesn’t make you uncomfortable?”

“I don’t care how he looks at me. It doesn’t change anything. We’re friends. I trust Tobi not to do anything inappropriate. He’s never made me feel uncomfortable. Besides, people change. Feelings change. I liked Silvana Harrith until I found out she flushed her brother’s hamster down the toilet. Tobi’s not going to want to suck my dick forever.”

Ram grunted softly. “Don’t be so sure about that.”

Not getting what he wanted usually only made him want it more.


	19. [7.2]

The limo pulled into a long, circular driveway. It stopped in front of a large multi-story house built out of grey stone and large logs. It was much nicer than Ram’s house, from a purely architectural perspective. It was hard to imagine Tobi’s family only stayed there a fraction of the time.

The driver unloaded their luggage and took off. Ram pulled up the handles on his luggage and balanced the gift basket on one. Gage took off ahead of him, pulling his oversized suitcase. That thing was big enough to fit at least three bodies, as long as you cut them up first.

“Don’t strain yourself,” scolded Ram. “You’re not going to have fun if you’re in pain all weekend.” That wasn’t necessarily true, depending on what type of painkillers Gage had, but still. Not a fun drug in general, unless you liked being dizzy and screwing up your digestive system.

Gage hauled ass up the walkway. “Tobi said sometimes seals sun themselves on the dock.”

“Fine. Don’t come crying to me when you can’t shit for a week.”

Tobi must have heard the limo pull up, because he appeared on the deck, coming from the other side of the house.

“Hey!” Tobi raised a hand in greeting.

Gage hastily dragged his suitcase up stone steps.

“Let me help you with that,” said Tobi, but by the time he got there, Gage had tugged his luggage up on the deck and left it by the front door. He sprinted across the deck, heading for the lake.

“Nice to see you, too.” Tobi laughed and shook his head. 

Ram deposited his own luggage at the door and trailed after Tobi in pursuit of Gage. They walked around the deck, which wrapped all the way around the house. The lake came into view. It stretched for kilometers, the other side barely visible on the horizon.

The front of the house was even nicer than the back. Rows of tall, wide windows faced the lake. The deck continued down to the lake in multiple tiers. The top tier had a hot tub, the second a bonfire pit, the third and final a bar and grilling station.

Gage rushed right past who Ram assumed was Tobi’s father, based on the similarity. Same long blond hair. Same blue eyes. He had a fishing rod in one hand and a drink in the other.

Tobi’s father raised his glass to Gage. “The man is on a mission.”

“Gage!” Tobi called out. Gage stopped and stared back at them. “You can stay down by the lake, okay? We’ll all be there in a few minutes.”

“Okay.” Gage nodded and grinned widely. He hurried towards the lake, talking to himself.

“He’s gonna be majorly bummed if he doesn’t see one of those damn seals,” said Ram.

“Worst case scenario, we’ll take Gage to the local wildlife rehab,” said Tobi’s father. “I called earlier and they have four adult seals and two pups.” 

“Let’s hope it doesn’t come down to that,” replied Ram. “He won’t want to leave. He’ll want to stay and help, and I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be laying on the beach than cleaning up seal shit.”

Tobi’s dad laughed. “We’ll see what happens. There’s usually a few in the area.” He set his drink down on the deck railing and held out his hand. “Damian Haines. You must be Ram.”

Ram shook hands with him. His skin was as soft as Tobi’s. “Guilty as charged.”

“What do your parents do, Ram?” Damian reclaimed his drink and took a sip.

_In other words, why are you so fucking rich?_

“My mom is a former beauty queen. My father runs a pharmaceutical company.”

Damian’s eyes widened in surprise and he choked on his drink, coughing and sputtering. “Sorry, sorry. Went down the wrong tube.”

Damian set his fishing rod down. “I’m gonna go see if your mum needs any help, Tobes. See you guys down at the beach.” He retreated to the house, filling Ram with dread.

It was obvious what happened. Damian realised exactly who he was, having been previously unaware his son’s friend Ram was _the_ Ram. Ramiel Atherton. The notably delinquent son of Horatius Atherton. According to rumour, he’d crashed the Duke of Irvingshire’s car, vandalised an art installment, and burned down an abandoned factory. In reality, he’d done none of those things. But the truth mattered to no one. You burn down _one_ building and anyone will believe you’re a pyromaniac.

When it came down to it, he wasn’t the kind of friend parents wanted their kid to have.

“We’d better bring the luggage in first,” said Tobi.

Ram moved on auto-pilot, dragging everything inside. It felt pointless, considering it would only be a matter of minutes before he was asked to leave. He put his suitcases in his room while Tobi moved Gage’s for him. It was a nice room with a skylight and panoramic view of the lake. A damn shame he wouldn’t be staying there. He’d have to call the limo driver and tell him to turn around and come back.

_How humiliating._

Ram brought the gift basket to the kitchen, leaving it on the counter. He caught a glimpse of Tobi’s parents in the living room, huddled together, speaking in muffled voices.

He was done, for sure.

He wanted one good look at the lake before he left. He slipped back outside and made his way down to the beach.

Gage sat on the dock, staring out at the water.

Ram sat beside him. “See anything yet?”

“No seals,” replied Gage. “But lots of other things. I need to get my bird book out. I’ve seen two species I’m unfamiliar with.”

It wasn’t long before Tobi and his parents joined them. Tobi and his mom were loaded down with fishing gear and Damian carried a tray of drinks. No one looked angry. Maybe he got lucky. Maybe Damian hadn’t heard the rumours. Or decided to give him a shot, for Tobi’s sake. God, he needed to be on his best fucking behaviour. No room for mistakes.

Damian set the tray down and grabbed two, bringing them over. “Drink these slowly, boys. They’ve got a bit of gin in them.” He handed one to Gage, then one to Ram. His hand settled briefly on Ram’s shoulder. “I put a little extra in yours.”

“Why does he get extra?” asked Tobi.

“Because he’s older,” replied Damian. “And has more reasons to drink.”


	20. [7.3]

Ram accepted the drink, grateful and extremely confused. Somehow, everything was fine. He wouldn’t have to explain to his mom why he was home early. _Thank God._

“Thanks.” He took a sip, enjoying the cool, citrusy flavour. “Damn, that’s good.”

“Yes, thank you,” said Gage. He stood up and lowered his head respectfully. “Sorry, my manners escaped me. Hello, Mr. Haines. Mrs. Haines. Tobi.” 

“Hi, Gage,” said Tobi’s mom. “You can call me Hera. Thanks for joining us. Let me know if you need anything, all right?” She turned to Ram and smiled warmly. “You too, Ram.” 

It should have put him at-ease, but Ram couldn’t help wondering what the hell was going on. Tobi’s parents were being far too nice to him. Maybe they were trying to lull him into a false sense of comfort. Hoping he’d never suspect a thing when they snuck into his room in the middle of the night and chloroformed him. Then he’d be gutted and roasted on a spit over the bonfire while everyone danced naked in the moonlight.

Or maybe he’d watched too many horror movies.

He took another sip of his drink, contemplating.

“Who wants to help catch some fish?” asked Damian.

“I’ve never fished before,” said Gage.

“Me, either,” added Ram.

“I’ll show you.” Tobi brought over a pair of fishing rods, giving one to Gage and one to Ram. “It’s easy.”

“We’re just jigging off the dock,” said Damian. “You don’t even need to cast.”

Hera went behind the bar, drinking what looked like grape juice. She didn’t have much of a baby bump, just enough to be noticeable. Tobi was thrilled about being a big brother. It was hard to get him to talk about anything else. He’d already bought a mountain of toys, dragging Ram shopping with him to help carry all his shit.

Hera pulled out a container from the fridge. “There’s worms here if anyone wants them.”

“Does using a worm increase the chance of catching a fish?” asked Gage.

“It depends,” replied Tobi. “Sometimes they’re so hungry, they’ll bite anything. Won’t hurt to put one on.”

“What happens if we don’t catch anything?” asked Ram.

“We eat the little guy,” said Damian, winking. “He’ll be the tenderest.”

“That’s true,” said Gage. “But I’d have less flavour. Flavour in meat develops with time.” He took his fishing rod and headed for the worms. “The Hydir people believed the corpses of their loved ones contained the deceased’s lifeforce. Consuming their flesh was a way of preserving that lifeforce. After the body was buried for three days they’d dig it up and eat it along with all the maggots. I don’t recommend doing that, because eating maggots can result in a parasitic infection where the maggots survive in the intestine and consume healthy tissue.”

“That’s good to know,” replied Damian. “Note to self: chew maggots _really_ well.”

Gage picked up a long, fat worm. “What’s the best way to do this?”

“I’ll show you how I do mine,” said Hera. “You pull the worm up on the line and it can’t get off as easily.” She demonstrated by taking the worm and impaling it with the hook, pulling it up until most of the worm was threaded on the hook and line, instead of dangling free.

“I see,” replied Gage. “The fish has a harder time eating the worm, increasing the chances of it biting the hook, and decreasing the chances of it stealing the worm off and swimming away.”

“Exactly. You want one, Ram?”

“Sure.” He made his way over and pulled a worm out, all the while admiring Gage’s bravery in doing so. The guy wasn’t a fan of dirty, slimy things, but hid it well. Ram copied what Tobi’s mom did, managing to pull up most of the worm, leaving only a small tail.

“That’s perfect.” Hera beamed at him, forcing Ram to come to the strange and unsettling conclusion that Tobi’s parents were just ridiculously nice people. He wasn’t used to being accepted, making it seem abnormal and suspicious. “Thank you so much for the beautiful basket. I intend to eat all of it in one sitting.”

“No problem. I brought some chocolate, too. It’s that weird blue stuff from Azoa. They make it from a rare cocoa bean. It tastes kinda fruity. My father always brings some back with him when he goes there.” Most of it went to clients his father wanted to impress.

“Does your father go to Azoa often?” asked Damian.

“ _Damian_.” Hera gave her husband a strange look.

“What?” asked Damian. “It’s dangerous there. He must have safety concerns.”

The country was a wreck, as far as Ram knew. Politically unstable. But it didn’t seem to bother his father. Every time the man left for Azoa, Ram hoped he’d get shot or captured by rebels, held hostage. He’d address their ransom demands with, “ _No, thanks. You can keep him_.” His mom wouldn’t need much convincing.

“He doesn’t worry about it too much,” replied Ram. “He’s pals with the president. Has a big security escort everywhere he goes. Owns a bunch of mines he’s always checking on.” The mines produced a range of minerals used in the pharmaceutical industry, from silver to platinum.

Damian nodded. “Gotcha.”

Gage returned to the dock. Tobi joined him, followed by Ram. Tobi showed them how to flip the bar on their reels and let the line out.

“Let line out until you hit the bottom,” instructed Tobi. “It’s not very deep. Around six feet.” He turned his reel and the bar snapped back into position. “If you feel something bite, pull the rod back over your shoulder and set the hook right away. The fish in this lake are aggressive and don’t mess around with taking little nibbles. Keep your rod tip up and reel in so the line doesn’t go slack.”

It sounded complicated, but Ram gave it a try, allowing his jig to sink to the bottom. Gage did the same.

“You see those islands, Gage?” asked Tobi, staring off into the distance. “Sometimes they have seals on them.”

“Are those the halcyon islands?” asked Gage. “Xavier mentioned them in his book.”

“They are,” replied Damian. “The local indigenous people tell a story about three warriors who angered a witch by stealing her turnips. She cursed them, turning them into seals. As if that wasn’t punishment enough, they found themselves unable to tolerate food. The only sustenance they received came from basking in the moonlight. On nights when the moon was full, they ate their fill. On nights with no moon, they starved in the blackness, having only each other for comfort.”

Damian took a drink, draining his glass of its remaining contents. “A bad storm came. For weeks the weather was cloudy and rainy. No moonlight. The seals starved and their bloated bodies transformed into those islands.”

Hera groaned. “That’s cheerful.”

“Hey, it’s educational,” insisted Damian. “An important life lesson. Never fuck with a witch’s turnip supply.”


	21. [7.4]

Gage caught the first fish. He reeled it in hastily and Tobi scooped it up with a net, removing the hook with pliers. The fish flopped and gasped on the dock, over a foot long, flashing rows of sharp, pointy teeth.

Ram wanted those teeth. All of them. “Can I pull the teeth out?”

“Sure,” replied Tobi.

“You should kill it before performing any dental surgery,” said Gage. “It’ll be less cruel and you won’t lose any fingers.”

“Here, give it to me.” Damian took the fish to the bar and placed it on a cutting board. He snapped its head backwards, breaking the spinal cord. He pierced its back end with a knife, running the knife up the length of the belly. The fish’s insides spilled out over the cutting board, pale pink chunks of viscera, a long strand of intestine, bright red blood. He reached in and pulled, removing everything. 

Damian placed the heart on the cutting board. It was the size of a walnut and continued to beat, pumping pointlessly.

_So cool._

“How long does it normally beat for?” asked Ram.

“It’ll stop beating regularly after a minute or so,” replied Damian, “but still spasm occasionally. Longest I’ve seen it beat continuously is six minutes, but that was with the aid of an electric fly swatter.”

“Wanna feel something weird?” Tobi grinned at Ram. “Put it on your tongue. You don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to, but it’s not bad. Bit chewy.”

“I hope there’s no tapeworms in this lake,” said Gage

“Nah,” replied Damian. “It’s fine.”

Ram picked up the heart and popped it in his mouth. He felt the heart muscles contract against his tongue and _damn_ , that was weird as hell. _Amazing_. He bit into it, chewing slowly. _Why not_?

Gage made a face. “Fine. Don’t come crying to me when you can’t stop shitting for a week.”

Ram swallowed and stuck his tongue out at Gage. “Delicious.” It wasn’t bad at all. No sense in allowing a perfectly good heart to go to waste. Now he was full of fish power. Ready to catch the next one. But first, he took the pliers and began extracting the fish’s teeth.

“You sure you don’t want to be a dentist?” asked Tobi.

“Hell, no.” Nothing about working with teeth appealed to Ram. He just liked _having_ them. He still had Bryce Eidner’s tooth from first grade. Bryce complained that it was loose. Ram yanked it out. Did the guy a favour. Got suspended for a week.

“We need two more fish, boys,” said Hera. “One if it’s a monster.”

Ram finished pulling teeth, leaving them in a neat pile, and went back to fishing, hoping to catch a beast.

What he caught failed to qualify. It was a little smaller than Gage’s, but still over a foot, and he was proud nonetheless. His first fish. He took pictures of it with his phone before handing it over to Damian to be bled and gutted.

Once again, Ram pulled the teeth, thrilled with his growing pile. It almost made him happy.

Or maybe that was just the gin.

Gage caught the last fish, small but big enough to keep. Hera went to work cooking potato fries on the grill and heating up oil in a deep fryer for the fish.

“Can I help?” asked Gage. “I like to cook. I help Nana make dinner.”

“Awh, thanks, Gage!” replied Hera. “You can make the fish batter. The recipe is by the sink.”

Ram watched as Damian expertly filleted the fish, making it look easy. The knife glided effortlessly along the spine, from tail to head, slicing all the way through the fish. He managed to get the knife perfectly between the skin and the flesh, cutting perfect fillets of white meat.

Damian filleted two fish, then turned to Ram. “Wanna do the last one?”

“I’ll just fuck it up.”

“That’s okay,” assured Damian. “You gotta start somewhere. I’ve fucked up so many.”

Ram did better than expected, thanks to Damian’s instruction and encouragement, leaving only a bit of meat behind, avoiding any bones.

It was the best fish he’d ever eaten. Crispy on the outside. Flaky on the inside. The batter Gage made was perfect, not too thick, full of flavour. The potato fries were amazing and he ate far too many.

Ram helped clean up, full and content, his head buzzing nicely from finishing a second drink. He sat at the bar, enjoying the view.

“We’re heading back to the house,” said Hera, grabbing Damian’s hand. “You guys can fish more, if you want. Just bleed anything you catch and put it on ice until the morning.”

“Yes, mum,” said Tobi.

“Stay out of trouble.” Damian laughed, clearly not expecting them to take him seriously, and Hera herded him up the stairs.

Ram watched them go. “Your parents are nice.”

“Yeah, they’re great.”

“Your mom is very pretty,” said Gage.

“What is it with you and moms?” asked Ram.

Gage shrugged.

Ram gazed out across the lake, watching the setting sun, but his attention shifted to Tobi. With the sun hitting him just right, Tobi looked more like a God than a mortal. “Do your parents know you’re …” He froze, unable to think of a polite word for it. He gestured at Gage, hoping Tobi would know what he meant. “You know …”

“Gay?”

Ram nodded, relieved. “Yeah.”

“Of course. It’s not something I’ve ever tried to hide.”

“And they’re okay with it?”

“Why wouldn’t they be?” Tobi looked at him strangely. “I like boys, not disemboweling orphans.”

Ram found the statement funny, considering his own father would favour him disemboweling orphans over being gay. Sick in the head instead of sick in the soul. The former couldn’t be helped. The latter was a disgraceful choice. Yet there was nothing disgraceful about Tobi. “Ever had a boyfriend?”

“Yeah. Few years ago. He died from leukemia.” Tobi opened up the fridge, eying its contents. “Who wants another drink?”


	22. [7.5]

Tobi made everyone another round of drinks. Dark rum and ginger beer for Ram. Peach puree and bubbly alcohol for Gage. Orange peel liquor, lime, and white rum for himself.

Ram lit a cigarette and pretended not to be bothered by the growing number of bugs swarming in the dying light. Some of which found him rather tasty. He swatted one on his wrist and it exploded, already swollen with blood. “Bastard.”

“We can light a fire, if you want to stay out here a while,” said Tobi. “It’ll help keep the bugs away.” 

“Yes, please,” replied Gage, still scanning the lake for signs of seals.

Ram wandered over to the bonfire, sipping his drink between cigarette puffs, resisting the urge to guzzle the delicious, fiery fluid. He didn’t want to get _too_ stupid. He was a guest. Needed to behave himself.

Ram knew he was being ridiculous. He shouldn’t have agreed to come. Shouldn’t want anything to do with Tobi. Sooner or later, Ram’s father was going to find out Tobi was gay. Probably through Ram’s mom, who’d see Tobi on a gossip show, his arm around some handsome guy, walking the carpet at a movie premier. He could ask her not to say anything, but that seemed suspicious, like he had an ulterior motive for silencing her.

How would his father react? Would he consider Ram’s friendship with Tobi an act of disobedience? That never went over well. Or worse, would he think Ram was going down the same path, embracing the unholy? It wasn’t as if he’d ever had a girlfriend he could point to as proof of normality. He needed to fix that. Find a girl who’d play video games with him and suck his dick once in a while. That would be nice.

Tobi collected small, thin pieces of wood and positioned them in the centre of the firepit. He placed slightly larger pieces around them. He turned to Ram and grinned. “I should let you do this. I hear you’re an expert at starting fires.”

“People give me far more credit than I deserve.” Ram put his drink down and took out his lighter. He held the flame next to the wood, watching it ignite. “I burned down _one_ shack, full of fake brand name shit, owned by an asshole.”

“You shouldn’t antagonise assholes.” Gage regarded him disapprovingly.

“Assholes get what they deserve.” A speck of blue light hovered in the corner of Ram’s eye, then darted away. “What the – ”

“Bonfire flies!” Gage went chasing after one of the bugs and caught one in his hands, cupping it gently. It was larger than Ram expected, having never seen one before. “Some light up to attract a mate … others are just hungry.” Gage let the fly go, rocking excitedly. “ _Biushey_.”

“The hell does that mean?” asked Ram. Gage was taking classes in two other languages, for reasons Ram couldn’t fathom.

“It’s Strixian. Means awe-inspiring. Beautiful.”

“I don’t know why you waste time learning that shit. Ever heard of hiring a translator?”

“I’ll save money by not needing one,” said Gage.

“The fuck are you saving for, boy?” Ram flicked his cigarette butt into the fire and placed Gage in a brief headlock, rubbing his knuckles against the other’s head, messing up his hair.

“What if you meet a beautiful woman who only speaks Strixian?” protested Gage.

“Not a problem. She won’t want me for my conversational skills.”

“Already an accomplished lover, huh?” Tobi caught his gaze, staring at him intently.

“No.” Confident the fire was going to burn without further assistance, Ram pocketed his lighter and grabbed his drink. “I’ve got a big dick.”

Gage laughed, his cheeks flushed.

Tobi grinned widely, amused. “Any girls at school you like?”

Ram tried to think. There had to be _at least_ one girl at school he wanted to bang. No one came to mind, but that said more about the quality of his options than it did about him. Still, he didn’t have to be picky about it. It’s not like he needed to marry the fucking girl. He just needed to pick someone. _Anyone_. “Trina Rory.”

“ _Trina_? Really?” Gage stared at him in disbelief.

“What’s wrong with her? She’s got huge tits.”

“She yells too much,” replied Gage.

“I’ll just have to keep her mouth busy.”

“She’s going to have a sore jaw.” Gage giggled.

Tobi laughed with him, clutching Gage’s hand.

It was normal for young kids to hold hands, but they’d passed the age where hand holding was strictly innocent. It became something shared between lovers, not friends. Anyone caught doing it were assumed to be a couple.

Ram had watched them act like children for weeks. Sometimes Tobi took Gage’s hand. Sometimes Gage reached for Tobi, keeping him close, never more than an arms length away. During their visit to the wildlife rehab, they’d practically had their hands sewn together. It made Ram wonder how it felt, but he couldn’t lower himself to find out. He didn’t need that shit.

While Gage was distracted by the bonfire flies, watching them flicker and dance, Tobi was distracted by Gage, fixing his hair, admiring him in the firelight. 

Ram wanted to be admired like that. Wanted it so badly it made him ache.

“You should ask Trina out,” said Tobi.

“Sure. Whatever.” Trina Rory was the solution to all Ram’s problems. He just needed to talk her into it. Shouldn’t be hard. He only had a reputation for being violent and destructive. What girl _wouldn’t_ want that? Better dangerous than boring. Weren’t girls supposed to have a thing for bad boys? His behaviour hadn’t attracted any girls in the past, but his schoolmates were getting older, and hornier.

He tried to picture himself with her, but his stomach flipped unpleasantly.

Must have been the rum.


	23. [8.1] Ram

When the time came to go home, Ram didn’t want to leave. He liked lazing around on the beach. Eating too much. Drinking too much. Night swimming. The darkness hiding his scars. He got to see Gage go crazy over a remarkably fat seal snoozing on the dock. Got to catch more fish. Learned how to swap jigs and change fishing line. Played video games until late. He almost managed to forget about the real world. By the end he almost felt like he belonged there. Like there was nowhere else he’d rather be. No one he’d rather be with. Then it was over.

He missed the sound of the lake. Listening to it as he fell asleep. Missed eating breakfast with Tobi and Gage. Getting drawn into card games with Tobi’s parents, who were the opposite of his parents. They liked spending time together.

In a few weeks he’d be 16. Maybe he could plan something fun for his birthday. He’d never planned a birthday party before. Needed to hurry up and figure it out, because the sooner he gave Tobi a date, the better the chance he could come.

School was never something Ram looked forward to, but he found himself eager to get back, wanting to see his friends. They’d been apart for less than three hours, and he only had to suffer until the morning, but it felt like an eternity.

To pass the time, he decided to marathon Tobi’s movies. He’d seen one before – _Lunaticus,_ a horror film. Tobi played the son of a scientist who got attacked by (and became) a werewolf. He didn’t mind watching it again. He’d been surprised by how good it was. The acting helped. Tobi’s terror seemed genuine. It made Ram wonder what Tobi was thinking about when they filmed it.

He watched four other movies before he fell asleep, one of which was _An Excruciating Lightness._ According to the film’s description, Tobi played “a young star athlete whose hopes of growing up to be a professional brightball player are shattered by a cancer diagnosis”. It was the first time a movie made him cry. Not that he’d ever admit that to anyone. He thought about the dead boyfriend Tobi mentioned and wondered when they’d been together, in relation to the movie. Before? After? Was Tobi researching what it was like to be a dying kid and fall in love with one of them? He wanted to ask. But it was a stupid question. _Why the hell do you care?_

He felt bad for Tobi. Ram never had the urge to hug anyone, apart from his mom, but he wanted to hug Tobi. Just not in front of anyone.

The next day, he could hardly sit still at breakfast, siding back and forth in his seat as he gulped down mouthfuls of waffles.

His father stared at him over his phone. “What are you on?”

“Nothing.” He replied calmly and matter-of-factly, no hint of defensiveness, trying not to look guilty when he wasn’t. _Please believe me._

“Then why can’t you sit still?”

Ram blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “There’s this girl at school. She’s really hot. I’m gonna ask her out today.”

“Which girl?” asked his father.

“Trina Rory.”

His father made a sound at the back of his throat and went back to the news.

“You’re just nervous, darling.” His mom seemed overjoyed. “I expect a full report when you get home.”

_Great. Something to look forward to._

No backing out now. He was still trying to figure out how the hell he was going to pull this off when he rounded a corner in the school’s hallway and saw Tobi talking to Trina. He stopped and stared. Tobi waved him over. “Speaking of the devil …”

“You summoned me, mortal?”

“I was telling this lovely young lady she should give you her phone number.”

Trina looked him over critically, from top to bottom, her gaze cold. It reminded him of the way his father looked at him. Full of disapproval. She smacked her gum and sighed heavily. “Why don’t you give me _your_ number? I’ll call you sometime.”

Ram added his number to her phone, somewhat relieved. There was no pressure on his end to get in touch. All he had to do was wait. And if he waited too long, and it became clear she wasn’t interested, he’d just have to move on. Tough shit. Plenty of other girls to choose from.

She walked off with her friends, whispering amongst themselves. Ram couldn’t hear what they said, but had a fairly good idea. _Did you hear he told Mr. Emerson to go fuck himself with a rusty shovel?_

“Thanks, man,” said Ram. “Appreciate it.” Tobi made that easy for him. He doubted it would have gone over so well without outside interference.

“Happy to help.” Tobi smiled at him. “I talked to Gage this morning. He’s staying home today. Too cranky for school and not in the mood to deal with people. I think we wore him out a bit. He’s not used to staying up late or having his schedule consist of ‘do whatever the hell you want’.”

“I’m glad his Nana let him stay home.” If Ram told his parents he was too cranky for school they’d stare at him blankly and kick him out the door. It was a shame. He could have avoided a lot of unnecessary bloodshed.

“Yeah. Hopefully he feels better soon.”

The bell rang. Gage’s absence in the classroom stood out. It felt empty and quiet. None of his classmates contributed anything interesting to their lessons. There was no one to bug him about whether or not he’d finished his homework, or volunteer to take notes for him, in case his mind wandered. So far his grades were much better than last year (not that it took much effort), largely thanks to Gage.

They grabbed lunch from the school cafeteria. Without Gage around, he thought Tobi might go sit with someone else, find a cute boy to drool over, but he stayed close.

“Wanna eat outside?” asked Ram. It was a warm summer day. They wouldn’t get too many more before the weather cooled off.

“Sounds good.”

A picnic table sat behind rows of sports equipment sheds, where no one ever sat. Ram wasn’t sure why. It seemed like the perfect hiding place for kids to go and make out, or smoke dope, but Ram was the only one who used it. There must have been other places for such things.

Ram liked this spot because it was quiet. He could be alone. He didn’t particularly _like_ being alone, but avoiding other people meant improving his chances of getting through the day without being tempted to punch someone.

He sat next to Tobi, enjoying the breeze. Ram inhaled his chicken sandwich while Tobi took his time working through a smoked turkey wrap, nibbling at it as if eating was a chore.

Tobi looked worn out. Tired. He leaned against Ram, resting his head on his shoulder. Blood rushed to Ram’s face, pulsing beneath his skin. “Do you need more pills?”

“No. I still have some.”

Ram was impressed. Thought he would have burned through those already. “Good. That shit is hard on your body.” 

Tobi closed his eyes and rested. They sat for as long as they could, standing up when the bell rang. Tobi wavered and Ram steadied him, holding him upright. “Got you.”

Ram felt light-headed. Like he was falling, or floating, or both. He’d never seen Tobi up so close, except on his 85-inch TV. Tobi was easy to look at. Too easy. Ram couldn’t take his eyes away, but it wasn’t his fault. That long blond hair … bright blue eyes … the scent of an exotic forest … Tobi was practically a girl. A very pretty girl. It wasn’t like he had a moustache and smelled like motor oil. He was soft. Warm.

He wasn’t sure how it happened. It just did. His mouth on Tobi’s mouth. Pulse throbbing in his ears. Heat pooling in his face. His chest. Between his legs. Spreading all over. He felt strangely alive and awake. Like some kind of undead creature, coming to life. Breathing for the first time.

The second bell rang, startling him, bringing him crashing back to reality. The warmth he’d felt earlier disappeared, replaced with a sharp chill, like plunging into ice water.

What the hell was he doing?

If anyone saw … If his father found out …

He’d made a mistake. Got confused.

He let go of Tobi and stepped back, shaking, head spinning.

Tobi touched his cheek, grazing the line of Ram’s jaw with his thumb. “Ram …”

This was all Tobi’s fault.

Panic and anger surged through him. He swatted Tobi’s hand away and pushed him back, shoving him against the shed wall, a hand on his throat. He fought the urge to squeeze, taking every ounce of restraint he had. “I’m not like you,” he growled. “Understand?”

Tobi’s expression showed neither fear nor anger, only sadness. Somehow it made him angrier.

“Stay the fuck away from me! I’m serious.” Ram’s head pounded. “Gage might be okay with you fantasising about him, but I’m not. It’s sick. You’re sick. And I don’t want anything to do with you. You disgust me.” He let go, vibrating. “Get out of here before I kick your teeth in.”

Tobi hurried off, eyes full of tears. “I feel sorry for you.”

Ram wasn’t sure what else to do, except put his fist through the shed. He wasn’t sure if the crunch was the wood or his hand. Didn’t really matter. Pain had the usual effect, reminding him he couldn’t do anything right. That he deserved everything he got. He was the worst son. The worst friend.

He could do everyone a favour and shoot himself in the head. But it would only prove them right. Prove he was doomed to failure.

He needed to do better.

Needed to drag his ass to the nurse. Knuckles torn and bleeding.

How was he going to explain this?

_Got in a fight with a shed. Happens more often than you’d think._


	24. [9.1] Tobi

By the time Tobi made it through an interview with a local radio station, half an hour of piano lessons, a haircut (just a trim, he wanted to grow it out more), dinner with the mayor’s wife, and an hour of martial arts, he was ready to shower and pass out until his alarm went off. But there was still so much to do when he got home. Homework. Piano practice. The book he was supposed to be reading for school. The book he was supposed to be reading for Alika Chimizu, a director who was turning it into a screenplay. They’d worked together before and she wanted Tobi to play one of the characters. His fan mail wasn’t going to reply to itself. And he needed to order new clothes. Kept growing so damn fast, nothing fit for long. 

The only advantage to being so tired, apart from finding everything more amusing, was feeling too drained to get worked up about the day’s events. The shock had worn off. He lacked the energy to be upset. A welcome numbness set in. Tobi said nothing about what happened, content to pretend everything was okay.

Mum, who took him to all his appointments, pulled into their driveway and killed the engine. She reached over and rubbed the back of his neck. “You sure you’re okay?” she asked. She always worried too much. Thought he worked too hard. But Tobi liked working. Liked having something to do. A goal to achieve. Results he could be proud of. He’d never look back on his childhood and feel like he’d wasted time. He had a lot to live up to. His dad saved his first political dissident from execution at the age of 22. His mum managed his career and volunteered at the women’s shelter downtown in her spare time. Tobi couldn’t save lives, or help people overcome trauma, but he could make them smile. Entertain them for a while. Help them forget.

Besides, he could handle it. If he could watch someone he loved get weaker, and sicker, choke to death on their own blood, he could handle anything.

“I’m fine,” he insisted, surprised to see his dad’s car out front. “I thought dad was going to the airport?”

“He is. Wanted to say goodbye first.”

It was always nice to say goodbye. Tobi was never sure when he’d see his dad again. He could be gone two days or two months.

Tobi hurried inside. His dad’s luggage sat by the door, ready to go. He found his dad in the kitchen and hugged him tightly. He noticed the chocolate Ram gave them on the counter, neatly wrapped in its original packing. 

“You’re taking the blue chocolate?” asked Tobi.

“I’m dropping it off at a homeless shelter on my way to the airport. I don’t want it in the house.”

This wasn’t the most perplexing thing he’d heard all day, but it was close. “How come?”

“Because the cocoa beans it’s made from are harvested almost exclusively by trafficked children who are beaten with rifles when they take issue with working 16 hours a day in sweltering heat. Without pay.”

Mum joined them, staring intently at Dad.

“Why would Ram’s dad buy it?” Tobi frowned in confusion. It didn’t make sense. Most people knew better than to support companies that took advantage of people. Not only was it unethical, but it _looked_ bad, and public perception was everything.

Mum poked Dad in the ribs. “Use your manners.”

Dad grunted softly, speaking slowly, clearly. “Human rights are less important to some people than money.” He poked Mum in the side. “How was that?”

“Good boy.” Mum patted Dad’s on the head and ran her fingers through his hair.

Dad continued. “I’m sure Ram’s father tells everyone the chocolate comes from the 2% that’s ethically produced. He says it’s “fair trade”. Not only are workers paid fairly, but money goes to funding schools, and clean water, and community projects. It pays for new hospitals. Improving life for everyone. I’m equally sure that’s bullshit, considering his _pal_ , the president of Azoa, owns the largest, shittiest plantations.” Dad wrapped his arms around both of them, drawing them into a hug. “But enough about that.”

They said their goodbyes and Tobi slipped into the shower. The water sucked the life out of him, making him even more tired, but it was early. There was still so much to do.

First of all, he needed to call Gage. He could have texted him, which was the preferred method of communication for most people, but Tobi wasn’t most people, and he liked hearing Gage’s voice. It reassured him. Made him feel like everything was okay, even when it wasn’t.

He hoped Gage felt better. If he seemed off balance or upset, he’d refrain from saying anything about Ram.

He dialed Gage’s number, relieved to hear him pick up. “Hey. How are you feeling?”

“Better. Thanks for asking. I went back to bed this morning and slept another four hours. Been taking it easy. Played with my animals all afternoon.”

“Sorry for keeping you up so late.”

“Don’t be sorry. I had fun. I’d do it again … Just need time to recover afterward.”

“You weren’t too stressed out?”

“No. Only a little. And if I never did things that stress me out, I’d never do anything. I’d never get to watch Ram eat fish hearts or see the sun go down with you. It’s worth it.”

Gage sounded much better than he did earlier. Hopefully it would be okay to break the news. He wanted Gage to hear it from him first, because God knew what Ram was going to say, if anything. “About Ram … Something happened today.”

“What? Did he ask that girl out? I hope you told him she’s not allowed to hang out with us.”

“He kissed me. Then got all weird about it.”

Gage went temporarily silent. “Ram likes girls _and_ boys?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think he knows, either. He seemed confused … Got kinda mad about it. He said he doesn’t want to be friends any more. I thought you should know. He probably won’t want to talk about it.”

“That’s not healthy. Ram should see a therapist.”

“I wouldn’t suggest that to him, if I were you. Might piss him off.”

Gage made a frustrated noise. “He can work out his anger with a therapist. I can ask Dr. Marwan to speak with him.”

“You’ll never get Ram to agree to that. You’d have a better chance of convincing an atheist God shits gold bricks.”

Gage sighed heavily.

“I’m gonna let him cool off and go from there,” said Tobi. “Can you tell me if he says anything about what happened? _Don’t_ bring it up, but if he mentions it, I’d like to know.”

“Okay. You’re all right? Ram didn’t hurt you?”

“Just my feelings.” Tobi was impressed with Ram’s self-control. Ram could easily have hurt him. Tobi had seen the scars Ram left on their schoolmates. Eric Denby - scar on his right hand. Stabbed with a pencil. Lance Forsythe - dent in the forehead. Pushed into a flower pot. Scott Harbin - scarred chin. Pulled off stage during a class production of _Heavy Weights_. Rick Wilder. Harmon Thorpe. Bryce Eidner. John Sherman. All missing teeth at one point in time, thanks to Ram. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Hey, no worries. I’ll get over it.” Tobi’s eyes threatened to close. “I should go … I have to practice piano and do my homework.”

“Which assignment are you on? I can do it for you.”

“No, no. I need to learn this shit.” The last math test he’d taken hadn’t gone well. “See you tomorrow?”

“Yes. Take care, okay? Don’t stay up too late.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re worse than my mum. Night.”

“Night, Tobes.”

Tobi smiled and hung up, trying to sort out what to do next. He needed to practice piano - a minimum of two hours a day to replicate the _thousands_ of hours Aegis spent glued to his piano. But his arms and legs were so heavy. It was all he could do to haul his math homework out of his backpack and stretch out in bed with it, pencil in hand.

The numbers wavered in and out of focus. This crap didn’t make any sense. He put his head down. Just for a minute. Then he’d get up. Take one of the pills Ram gave him. The last one. Get through math. And piano. And a chapter of - 


	25. [9.2]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Trigger warning: pregnancy loss]

Tobi awoke with a start. He would have rolled over and gone back to sleep, but he’d fallen asleep with the light on. It blasted his tired eyes, painfully bright. He got up reluctantly, moved the pencil he’d been lying on, and glanced at the clock. 4:30 AM.

Tobi turned off the light and was about to crawl back into bed when he heard a noise downstairs. Mum wasn’t normally up at this hour. He went down to investigate and found Mum sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of water. She smiled at him, looking pale and exhausted.

“Can’t sleep?” he asked, sitting beside her, taking her hand.

“Stomach cramps.” She squeezed his hand and took a sip of water. “It’s normal. Got them when I was pregnant with you, too.”

“Can you take something for them?”

“I can, but I’m going to take a hot bath first. That usually helps.” 

He rested his head on her shoulder, closing his eyes. It took every bit of will power he had not to snuggle in and drift off.

“Go back to bed,” she scolded.

“I’m already up. Might as well do something. I can practice piano for a while.” His piano was specially designed and outfitted with a headphone jack so he could play without disturbing anyone, or being disturbed by his parents blasting their old-ass music.

Mum frowned deeply. “I don’t think so. Here’s a better idea – turn off your alarm, and go back to bed until at least noon. We’ll go for brunch and I’ll take you clothes shopping.”

Tobi didn’t want to miss school. Didn’t want to fall further behind. But staying home meant he wouldn’t have to deal with being shunned by Ram all day. Wouldn’t have to force poor Gage to decide who to eat lunch with. Maybe he’d alternate between them, like a child of divorce.

“That _is_ a better idea,” he admitted, hugging her.

She hugged him back, then stood up, wincing.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.” She kissed his forehead and shuffled off.

He went back to his room and texted Gage before getting beneath the covers.

_Not going to school. Following your example & catching up on sleep. Have a good day._

He awoke to a light tapping on his door. He looked at the clock. 2:37 PM.

_Holy shit._

Auny Marya opened the door and peeked in. “Hey, kiddo.”

Aunt Marya wasn’t related to him, but she was good friends with his parents, and the closest thing he had to an aunt, given his parents’ lack of siblings. His dad _had_ two older brothers, but Aelvin accidentally shot and killed Harbi when they were kids, then died of a heroin overdose in his late teens.

“Sorry to wake you,” said Marya. “Your mum’s still not feeling good, so we’re going to meet up with her doctor at the hospital, get her checked out.”

Tobi rolled out of bed and tugged open the top drawers of his dresser, quickly pulling out clothes, ignoring his usual concerns over whether or not they matched.

“Woah, woah. You don’t have to come. We probably won’t be long.”

“I’m coming with you,” he said firmly, pulling off his pajama bottoms and dressing as fast as he could.

“Ugh. Child. Don’t you have better shit to do than hang around a waiting room?”

“No.”

He grabbed his phone and his backpack, joining Mum at the front door.

She frowned at him, clutching her stomach, paler than before, light purple hair sticking to her forehead in sweaty clumps. “Tobi. You should stay here. Practice your piano. Why don’t you order a pizza?”

“Not happening.”

“He’s a stubborn little shit,” said Marya, heading out the door. “Wonder where he gets it from?”

Marya drove to the hospital, ignoring the speed limit. They were there within 15 minutes and immediately escorted to a private room, where a doctor was waiting.

Mum kissed his temple and herded him towards the door. “Go get something to eat. You must be starving.”

Tobi couldn’t help feeling like she was trying to get rid of him, but he _was_ starving. And thirsty; his lips painfully dry, tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth. And should have used the bathroom before they left the house.

“I’ll text you as soon as we know anything, all right?” said Marya.

“Okay.” He surrendered, giving Mum a quick hug. 

After using the bathroom, and throwing on a hat and sunglasses, he was ready to raid the cafeteria. Normally he didn’t mind being recognised, liked the attention, but today he didn’t feel like entertaining people while trying to eat his weight in cafeteria food, or explaining, repeatedly, that he was there because there might be something seriously wrong with his mum.

He kept his phone handy, watching for messages. It wasn’t long before his screen flashed.

_[Dad] 3:02. Wish I could come home, but the airports in Voratu are shut down. Everything is on temporary lockdown. Nothing to worry about. Just their annual change in government. Bad timing, man. Be back as soon as I can. Love you so much._

Terror crept over him, along with the awareness he was going to lose both parents on the same day. He dismissed it as nonsense. Irrational. Everything was going to be fine. He focused on his breathing, using the technique a Fernician monk taught him. _Inhale_. In with serenity. _Exhale._ Out with fear. _Just breathe._

_[Tobi] 3:03. Love you. Stay safe._

Tobi finished his meal and sat, mindlessly waiting for another message.

_[Marya] 3:08. Come back for a chat. And bring me a coffee. Please and thank you._

He grabbed a coffee and speed walked back to the room, finding Marya there alone.

“Where’s Mum?” A lump clogged his throat, heat draining from his body.

“They’re prepping her for surgery. She’s okay, Tobi. The baby’s not. I’m sorry.”

His mind reeled from the combination of good news and bad news, relieved Mum was fine, wounded by the loss of his baby brother. “Why does she need surgery?”

“It’s a fast, low-risk procedure which involves removing tissue from the uterus. So your mum doesn’t have to carry a dead baby around. She’ll be able to come home tonight, and we can spoil the shit out of her until your dad comes home.” Marya wrapped an arm around him, pulling him close. “I know you were really looking forward to the baby, but your parents may want to try again. If that doesn’t work out, they can always adopt. Honestly, I’m shocked your dad hasn’t already dragged a dozen orphans home.”

Tobi sighed heavily and leaned into her. “We’re gonna be stuck watching all eight seasons of _Ghosts of Midnight River_ , aren’t we?”

“ _God_. We’d better stop at the weed store on the way home.”


	26. [9.3]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Trigger warning: grooming, sexual abuse (implied/off page)]

Tobi let his dance instructor know he wouldn’t be in class, then texted his acting coach.

_[Tobi] 3:30. Can’t make it today. Mum’s in the hospital. Baby died._

_[Alec] 3:31. What an unfortunate tragedy. My deepest sympathies, Tobi. You must be devastated. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do. You’re always welcome here if you want to get away for a bit._

He stared off into space, sitting with his phone in his lap until it vibrated again.

_[Gage] 3:45. Ram didn’t say anything about you today. He was extremely irritable. Should have stayed home too. He almost went all day without losing it. Then Ruben Vargas said something about his mother. Ram stuffed Ruben in his locker and Principal Payne had to call the fire department to get him out. Two day suspension._

_[Tobi] 3:45. One day that guy is gonna piss off the wrong person and they’re gonna take a tire iron to his face. Good thing he doesn’t wanna be a model._

He wanted to tell Gage about the baby, but was afraid Gage might feel obligated to keep him company. There was no point in both of them suffering. With all the bright lights, noisy machines, and cheerful memories, hospitals were probably Gage’s idea of hell. Even if Gage stayed home, the news would probably be distressing, and Tobi didn’t want to upset him.

_[Tobi] 3:47. Might stay home tomorrow._

_[Gage] 3:48. Okay. Miss you._

_[Tobi] 3:48. Miss you too._

Mum’s doctor entered the room. Tobi put down his phone.

“The procedure went well,” said the doctor. “She’ll need to take it easy for a few days, but everything should heal nicely.”

“She can come home?” asked Tobi.

“Unfortunately not. I’d like to keep Hera overnight and run some tests. Her blood pressure is a little high. I want to determine what’s causing it. I suspect it’s pregnancy-induced hypertension, but I want to be sure. She’s asleep right now. I’ll let you know when she wakes up.”

Marya nodded. “Thanks, Doc.”

The doctor left. Marya flopped down on the bed. “I’ll stay with Hera and keep you updated. Why don’t you go stay with a friend for the night?”

Tobi sat beside her. “I’d rather stay here.” If something went wrong, and he wasn’t around, he’d never forgive himself.

“Do what you’re told for once in your life.” Marya tugged lightly on his ear. “Your mum doesn’t want you to see her in pain. And she knows how you feel about hospitals. She’d feel a _lot_ better, knowing you’re being looked after, and not moping around the children’s ward, getting attached to kids who’ll be dead in two months.”

Tobi huffed. “ _Fine_.” If it would make it easier on everyone, he’d leave. But he wasn’t going far. Alec lived right downtown, in a loft above his studio. Close to everything.

He texted Alec.

_[Tobi] 4:08. Want some company?_

_[Alec] 4:08. Yes! I’ll come get you. Be there soon._

“I’m gonna stay with Alec,” he said. “Let me know as soon as you find anything out. And _tell_ me if Mum gets worse.” He’d hurry back right away.

“Will do. Try not to worry, Tobes. Everything is under control.”

“I haven’t heard anything from Dad …”

“Your mum sent him a message before surgery. Told him what’s going on. He’s probably in a bunker with shoddy reception. He’ll be fine.”

Tobi exited the hospital, breathing deeply, glad to be out in the fresh air. He hated the way hospitals smelled. Like someone was trying to cover up the scent of death.

He hung around outside, watching for Alec’s red sportscar. It wasn’t long before the car pulled up to the curb and Tobi hopped in.

“Thanks for picking me up.”

“It’s the least I can do,” said Alec. “How’s your mum?”

“Her blood pressure is high, so they’re keeping her overnight, doing some tests. The doctor thinks it’s high because of the pregnancy … Now that she’s not pregnant anymore, it should go back to normal.”

“I hope so. Stay as long as you want. Gem’s on holiday with her sister and I’ve got the place all to myself.”

Alec’s wife, Gemma, spent a lot of time on holiday. Tobi had only met her a few times and he’d worked with Alec for four years.

“You sure you don’t mind? They’re keeping her overnight and Marya doesn’t want me crashing at the hospital.”

“Don’t mind at all. Are you hungry? Want to stop and get something to eat?”

“I ate earlier.” Tobi patted his stomach. “Should go to the gym tomorrow.”

“You and me both.”

Alec parked the car and they took an elevator up to the studio. A black metal spiral staircase led upstairs, to Alec’s living quarters. Tobi had been up there many times, even spent the night before. They usually stayed up late, watching movies.

Alec entered the kitchen, tugging open the fridge. “What can I get you?”

“What are you having?”

“Here, start with this.” Alec twisted the cap off a bottle of beer and handed it to him.

“Thanks.” Tobi took a sip, guilt flowing through him. He should have been at the hospital, not enjoying himself. He expected his phone to erupt with a message from Marya at any moment. _She’s gone._ Or a final text from his dad. _There’s too many of them. Listen to your mother._ _I love you._ But nothing came.

Alec rubbed his back. “How about something to help you relax?”

“God, yes.” He took half a pill. They sat around, listening to music. After an hour he assumed the dosage was too small to have an effect, but it hit him all at once. Tension melted from his body, replaced with the sensation of being wrapped in a warm, fluffy cloud. So warm. His palms broke into a sweat, followed by the rest of him. He clutched his third beer, running his fingers over the bottle, the dark glass cold and smooth. It felt nice.

Alec handed him the TV remote. “Find something for us to watch.”

Tobi switched the TV on, after taking a moment to find the power button, and looked through the programming guide. Nothing caught his eye. He scrolled and scrolled, distracted by the movement and flashing colours, forgetting what he was looking for. When he finally stopped hitting the button, and took a moment to read what was on the screen, he couldn’t help but laugh.

“Wow. You get all the fun channels.”

_Threesome Adventures. Mammoth Mammories. Frisky Secretaries Pt. 4. Barely Legal Boys._

“Put whatever you want on,” said Alec. “Some of that stuff is really amusing. I watched one the other day that was a parody of _The Flowers of Beacon Hill_ , where the medics had way more interest in having sex with the soldiers than healing them.”

 _Kitchen Cocks._ Tobi laughed and looked at the description. _A handsome chef with a big cock teaches a disobedient busboy a lesson he won’t forget._ That sounded amusing. He put it on, filling the screen with an extreme close-up of the chef’s naked body, camera lingering between his legs.

Forks of lightning flashed before Tobi’s eyes, sinking into his skin, filling him with electric currents. His entire body throbbed. His dick strained against his pants, painfully hard. A bead of sweat trickled down his chest, tickling him.

“Why don’t you strip down?” asked Alec. “Make yourself more comfortable. I don’t mind if you want to jerk off. My home is your home.”

“It’s okay?” Tobi panted softly, worried he was taking advantage of Alec’s generosity. Going too far. Being a badly behaved guest.

“You’ll feel better afterward.” Alec rubbed his arm, sending ripples of warmth through his skin.

Tobi tugged off his shirt, overwhelmed with adoration.

Such a nice guy.


	27. [10.1] Ram

Ram stayed outside the school as long as he could, finishing his cigarette and waiting a few minutes after the second bell before resigning himself to the inevitable.

He’d spent most of his two day suspension confined to his room, trying to stop obsessing over what he’d done. Not to Ruben. Fuck that guy. But to Tobi.

The memory played over and over. Excitement. Terror. Guilt. The look on Tobi’s face. _I feel sorry for you._ The harder Ram tried to focus on something else, _anything_ else, the worse it got, and the more frustrated he became. He didn’t want to think about it. Wanted to forget everything and move on. Yet it haunted him, a head full of ghosts, refusing to go away.

Last night he’d finally had enough and taken whatever pills he had lying around, until he couldn’t feel anything anymore. Only then did the constant bombardment stop, allowing him to think clearly for the first time in days.

He _liked_ kissing Tobi. It was easy to blame Tobi for that, but Ram couldn’t shake the feeling it wasn’t entirely Tobi’s fault. He tried an experiment. Loaded up some porn on his computer. _Straight_ porn, because he was paranoid his father might somehow find out, even if he deleted his search history. He paid no attention to the woman, focusing instead on the muscular guy fucking her senseless, all hard and sweaty. The effect it had on him was impossible to ignore. He spent most of the night crying and throwing up.

School was the last place he wanted to be, but at least it gave him the chance to apologise. Maybe then he’d feel better. Sure as hell couldn’t hurt.

Ram dragged his ass to class and took a seat.

“Thanks for joining us, Mr. Atherton,” said Mrs. Kalacran.

“Managed to clear my schedule.” His gaze wandered to Tobi, seated near the front of the class, behind Gage. He looked sickly and pale, arms folded over his chest, staring blankly at his desk. He looked as good as Ram felt.

“Now that we’re all here, take out your math books and turn to page 72.”

Tobi groaned softly. “Math? Why do we need math when we can all afford good calculators?”

“Some of your classmates may want to pursue careers in scientific fields.”

“Pretty sure Gage knows this shit already,” grumbled Tobi.

“Tobi.” Mrs. Kalacran shot him a warning look.

Tobi put his head down on his desk and idly flipped through the pages of his textbook.

Ram was alarmed. Tobi never gave Mrs. Kalacran a hard time. He pulled out his phone when Mrs. Kalacran’s back was turned and texted Gage.

_[Ram] 8:06. The fuck is Tobi’s problem?_

It took Gage _forever_ to respond, too busy paying attention to their teacher. _Such a nerd._

_[Gage] 8:14. His mom had a miscarriage three days ago. She’s still in the hospital. Doctor found a small benign tumour in her adrenal gland. It’s being removed tonight. A week or two and she’ll be able to go home. His dad is stuck in Vanatu because rebels decapitated Supreme High Leader Kievan and started a civil war. Borders are closed. Airports are shut down._

_Holy fuck._ Ram stared at the screen, going cold all over. If that wasn’t an avalanche of shit, he didn’t know what was.

When they were dismissed for lunch, he approached Gage. “I need to talk to Tobi … alone.” Ram doubted there was any hope of salvaging what he’d ruined, but he had to try. 

Gage eyed him suspiciously. “You’re not going to yell at him, are you?”

“No. I want to apologise. I’m sure he told you what happened.”

Gage nodded. “He did.”

Ram searched the cafeteria for Tobi, but couldn’t find him anywhere. He checked the library and the computer lab. Nothing there. Maybe he went home … Ram looked outside, in the interest of eliminating all possibilities, and found him at the picnic table, curled up on the bench.

Ram took a deep breath and went in, sitting beside him. “Hey.”

Tobi glanced at him wordlessly, then looked away.

“Gage told me about your brother. And your mum. And your dad.”

“Shit happens,” muttered Tobi.

“Yeah, well … Still, that’s a _lot_ of shit.”

“It’s fine. Mum’s gonna be okay. Dad’s safe.”

It obviously _wasn’t_ fine, but Ram didn’t want to argue with him. He sighed heavily, working up his courage. “Look, I … I want to apologise for what I … There’s no excuse for it … But I want you to know _why_ I …” He trailed off, losing his nerve, gasping for breath. _Don’t be a chickenshit._ “You scared me.”

Tobi sat up. “ _Scared_ you? How?”

Their eyes met and Ram fought the urge to look away, the pain in Tobi’s gaze almost too much to bear. “I liked it too much.”

Tobi stared at him in confusion.

“That kind of thing … it would cause a lot of problems for me. My father doesn’t approve.” Ram was _fairly_ sure his mom was indifferent, but that wouldn’t save him. “He says queers are heretics who ignore the Will of God and should all be burned at the stake. He already thinks I’m a degenerate. If he found out I’m an abomination too he’d push me off the roof and tell everyone I jumped. Can’t have a monstrosity running his company.”

“But you’re his son. You think he’d actually hurt you?”

 _Yes._ The word hung at the tip of his tongue, unsaid. Ram almost lifted his shirt and showed Tobi the cigarette burns on his stomach, but he worried his father was right. That no one would believe him. Any reasonable person would assume he was full of shit, and hospital records would show he’d hurt himself before. “He might.”

Tobi rubbed the back of his own neck, shaking his head. “Shit. So what are you gonna do? Hire someone to pretend to be your girlfriend?”

“Know any cute girls looking for work?”

Tobi cracked a faint smile.

Ram hugged him tightly, momentarily unconcerned about who might see, or what they might think, wanting only to hold his friend. Tobi melted into him, squeezing him. A strange lightness came over Ram and the world went still. For a moment it became possible to believe everything was going to be okay.


	28. [11.1] Gage

After the final bell, Gage sat with Tobi on the front steps, waiting for Nana to pick him up. They had to fly to the city of Farzac for an important board meeting. It wasn’t how he wanted to spend his weekend, but it was one of those annoying things he needed to do whether he liked it or not.

“Your acting coach is picking you up?” asked Gage.

“Yeah. Gonna stay with him for the weekend.” Tobi drew his knees to his chest, hugging them.

It was hard to see Tobi in a state of distress, worried about everything. Made him hurt all over. Gage wished he could do more, but was limited to rubbing Tobi’s back and trying to reassure him. “The surgery they’re performing on your mom has a 98% success rate. They use a robotic arm to eliminate human error. I did some research and the patients who died all had other things wrong with them. Bad hearts. Massive infections. Kidney problems. Your mom’s been under anaesthesia before and is unlikely to have a bad reaction. Everything will be all right.”

Tobi exhaled slowly. “I know.” He shuddered and leaned into Gage, hugging him close.

“Are you cold?” asked Gage, squeezing him.

“No.”

“Do you feel sick? Maybe you picked up something at the hospital.” Hopefully they wouldn’t _both_ get sick, because he wasn’t letting Tobi go until he had to.

“No. I’m fine.” Tobi sighed heavily. “Stop worrying about me.”

“I _can’t_. I’m more worried about you than I am about getting on a plane.”

“You’re being silly. Like you said, everything will be all right.”

Gage didn’t feel silly. “Did Ram apologise?”

“He did. Told me why he flipped out. It’s not my place to say … Ask him about it, he’ll tell you.”

“Why can’t you tell me?”

“Because it’s his secret, not mine, and he should have control over who knows.”

“Okay.”

An obnoxiously loud red sportscar pulled up the curb.

Tobi hugged him tighter, then let go. “Have a good flight. I hope it’s not bumpy.”

“Thank you. Me too.”

“See you next week.”

“Let me know how surgery goes.”

“Sure thing.” Tobi shuffled off, dragging his feet.

Gage had never seen him walk like that before.

It bothered him.

#

The flight was uneventful. Gage and Nana had their own private room, where he spent most of the 3 hours and 45 minutes lying on a bed with Henri Patrick Morgan sitting on his chest. He focused on the weight of the rat, who Nana brought with her, and closed his eyes, trying to think about something other than Tobi. He failed miserably.

After landing, they checked into their hotel room, and he waited for Nana to get ready for dinner. While he waited, he messaged Ram.

_[Gage] 8:32. Tobi told me you apologised, but wouldn’t say what you said. Told me to ask you._

_[Ram] 8:32. You have to promise not to tell anyone._

_[Gage] 8:32. I promise._

_[Ram] 8:33. And delete these messages after you read them!_

_[Gage] 8.33. I will._

_[Ram] 8:38. I don’t really like girls. I like guys. When I kissed Tobi, I freaked out because my father doesn’t approve of that kind of thing. I don’t want to piss him off. He’s an asshole. Might get violent._

_[Gage] 8:39. Has he been violent with you before?_

_[Ram] 8:43. No._

_[Gage] 8:43. Is Tobi going to be your secret boyfriend?_

_[Ram] 8:44. No. Can’t have a boyfriend. Too risky. Even if it’s a secret._

Gage stared at the screen, trying hard to think of the right thing to say.

_[Gage] 8:47. Being single has its advantages._

_[Ram] 8:47. Can’t say single. Too suspicious._

Gage didn’t know how to respond to that. He deleted the messages from Ram and texted Tobi.

_[Gage] 8:55. How’d surgery go?_

He checked his phone before bed. No response.

When he woke up in the morning, the first thing Gage did was look at his phone. Still no response. He broke into a cold sweat. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe it all went bad.

By 12:49 he was ready to burst out of his skin, and then it came.

_[Tobi] 12:49. good_

Tension drained out of him in a flood, replaced by numbness, nothingness, his body an empty shell.

_[Gage] 12:49. Glad to hear it. You must be relieved. Any word from your dad?_

_[Gage] 2:37. Ram told me what happened. How do you feel about it?_

Tobi’s unresponsiveness made him anxious all over again.

_[Gage] 3:22. What are you up to today?_

Silence. He took pictures of Henri Patrick Morgan sitting on his shoulder. Henri Patrick Morgan in his harness. Henri Patrick Morgan taking a bath in a water fountain.

Nothing.

_[Gage] 6:45. Are you mad at me? Did I say something wrong?_

He must have done _something_ wrong. Tobi never ignored him. He barely got through dinner, too stressed out to eat, able to tolerate only a few spoonfuls of chocolate mousse.

He was getting ready for bed when his phone lit up.

_[Tobi] 9:12. no_

Gage exited the bathroom and flopped down face-first on his bed, groaning softly. “People are confusing.”

Henri Patrick Morgan nuzzled into his neck.

“Did you hear from Tobi?” asked Nana, sitting on the bed, rubbing his back.

“He says he’s not mad.”

“You have to trust he wouldn’t lie about that, darling. Maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed. Needs some time to himself. You know what that’s like, hmn?”

Gage hadn’t considered that possibility, mainly because Tobi always had a lot going on, yet never showed signs of being stressed out by it. Tired, yes. Stressed, no. But everyone had a breaking point. “Maybe.”

“He might just be sad. Doesn’t want to talk to anyone. You said he was looking forward to having a sibling.”

Tobi really wanted to be a big brother. Bought all those baby toys and clothes. Grief was a reasonable explanation for being incommunicative. 

The knots in Gage’s chest relaxed a little.

He hated getting worked up for no reason.


	29. [11.2]

Gage was glad the weekend was over. He hoped to talk to Tobi before class, but Tobi showed up a few minutes after the bell rang. Tobi kept his sunglasses on inside and showed zero interest in their substitute teacher, Mr. Wirth.

Mr. Wirth didn’t like being ignored. He picked on Tobi all morning and halfway through social studies Tobi decided he’d had enough, putting his head down on his desk.

“Am I keeping you awake, Mr. Haines?” asked Mr. Wirth.

“Yes.”

“Oh, my apologies. I suppose you already know everything about the essential components of democracy.”

Tobi rubbed his temples. “Please be quiet. You’re giving me a headache.”

“Maybe you’ll find the office more comfortable.”

“Doubtful.”

“Stand up.”

“I’d rather sit.”

Mr. Wirth’s face turned deep red. “I’m not giving you an option.”

“That’s not very democratic of you.”

“I need you to stop arguing with me and do as you’re told.”

“Now you’re a dictator. See, I know this shit.”

Mr. Wirth grabbed Tobi by the arm, trying to pull him out of his seat. “On your feet!”

Ram shot out of his seat and shoved Mr. Wirth away from Tobi. “Get your fucking hands off him!” He pinned Mr. Wirth’s arms behind his back and dragged him out the door, into the hall.

It was the first time Gage saw a teacher escorted to the principal.

He got up and stood next to Tobi, gently touching his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

Tobi leaned back in his seat, looking strangely relaxed. “Hell, yes. That was awesome. Ram would make a good bodyguard.” 

Ram returned shortly, accompanied by another teacher.

“You all right, Tobi?” asked the teacher.

“Never better.”

“You’re not hurt?”

“Nah. It’s all good.”

The teacher introduced herself as Ms. Dewan, apologised for Mr. Wirth’s behaviour, and let them go early for lunch.

They grabbed food from the cafeteria and sat at a picnic table outside.

It was a relief to see Tobi less miserable, but something else was wrong. This wasn’t the usual Tobi. Gage was busy compiling a list of potential causes when Tobi removed a pill from his pocket and swallowed it with a sip of water. _Option #3. Drugs._

“What did you just take?” asked Ram.

“Golden pastoral. Want one?”

“Where’d you get it from?”

“Alec.”

“He shouldn’t be giving you that shit.”

“It helps me relax.”

“It _helps_ people act like assholes all night and forget about it in the morning. Don’t take it around Alec. I’m serious. God knows what he might do to you.” Ram folded his arms across his chest, regarding Tobi disapprovingly.

“What’s the big deal?” grumbled Tobi.

“Hasn’t anyone told you grown-ass men aren’t supposed to stick their dicks in little boys?” asked Ram.

“I’m not a child! I’m almost 15!” Tobi glared furiously at Ram, blue eyes filling with tears. “It’s my fault. I’m the one who … It’s not his fault.”

Suddenly, it all made sense. _Option #4. Alec. Besides Tobi’s domestic problems, the only other thing that had changed was his living circumstances._ Gage swallowed a lump in his throat and reached for Tobi’s hand. “Tobi …”

“I let him do it, okay? It felt good, damnit. He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Nothing wrong? _Nothing wrong?_ ” Ram looked shocked and horrified. _“_ He’s taking advantage of you!”

“Ram is right,” said Gage, voice cracking, trying hard to hold it together. “Alec shouldn’t be doing that. He’s not your lover. He’s your coach.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Oh, I understand fine.” Ram stood up.

“Where are you going?” asked Tobi.

“To tell Alec if he touches you again, I’ll cut his dick off and shove it in his filthy fucking pervert mouth.”

“You can’t!” protested Tobi. “He’ll get mad at me for saying anything! We agreed not to tell anyone.”

“Tell him to go fuck himself with a cactus!” replied Ram. “You’re the one who should be mad! The nerve of that piece of shit! You should ruin his life. Tell everyone he’s a fucking pedophile.”

“Ephebophile,” said Gage.

“ _What_?” Ram stared at him blankly.

“Pedophiles have a sexual preference for children who haven’t hit puberty yet. Tobi doesn’t qualify. Ephebophiles prefer older adolescents.”

Ram pressed his palm to his forehead. “Thanks for the clarification.”

“You’re welcome,” said Gage. Nana made him read the 9th edition of _Predators and Prey_ , which had nothing to do with wildlife, after the “van full of puppies” incident. In his defense, the van _was_ full of puppies. It just happened to be owned by a couple of drug addicts – Miss Maisey and Alpha – who thought it would be funny to take a mute six-year-old for a ride, after which they concluded he was a gift from God, an angel, and decided to keep him.

“You’re fucking crazy,” growled Tobi. “I don’t want anyone to know what I did. My parents would kill me. Alec’s _wife_ would kill me. I’d never work again … no one would hire me.”

“I’m going to fix this.” Ram stepped away from the picnic table.

“You can’t leave,” said Gage. Being absent when class started was a serious offence, considering the school was responsible for looking after the children of some of the wealthiest people on the planet. After the second ball rang, students had six minutes to get to class, or report to a staff member. Otherwise the parents were notified, and the police were called. Gage looked at his phone. “You’d have to be back in 43 minutes.”

“I’ll be back before then. If not, I’ll gladly explain to the cops why I left.” Ram took off, running.

“Ram!” Tobi stood up shakily.

Gage grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back down on the bench, wishing he had some rope. “Stay.”

Tobi threw his arms around him, sobbing into his neck. “He can’t do this.”

Gage squeezed him tightly. “It’s okay. Ram’s just going to talk to him.”


	30. [12.1] Ram

Ram skidded to a halt in front of the guard post, the only way in or out of school property. The days of being able to sneak out were gone. Last time he’d scaled the wall, barbed wire and all, and now the wall was electrified. Other escape routes he’d used over the years had all been discovered and fixed. Fortunately, he had a valid excuse to leave.

“I have permission to go to Mandagia’s for lunch,” he wheezed. The popular sandwich shop was only several blocks away. He’d asked his mom for permission weeks ago, wanting to go with Gage and Tobi, but with everything that happened, he forgot all about it.

The guard checked her computer, nodded, and opened the gate.

Ram took off down the street, phone in-hand. He ordered a car to pick him up in front of Mandagia’s, then selected a name from his contacts. _Efreet_. Efreet was the guy his father called when he needed something. A hacker who could find anything. Or anyone. He also had a long list of helpful contacts who could _fix_ things. 

Efreet picked up. Ram wasted no time. “I need you to text me the address for Tobi Haines’s acting coach. Alec something.”

“Thinking about taking some lessons?”

“Yeah, my improvisational skills could use a little work.”

Efreet snorted softly. “Uh-huh. Call me if you need help disposing of a body.”

“Very funny.” Ram hung up.

He reached Mandagia’s at the same time as the car and hopped in. Ram checked his phone for a text from Efreet and gave Alec’s address to the driver.

“I’m in a hurry. Get there fast and I’ll give you a big tip. Gotta get back to school before class or they’ll assume I’ve gone AWOL again. That would be bad.”

“Sure thing!”

The driver took off, leaving Ram to think about what he was going to do when he got there. There was a chance Alec wouldn’t be home. He might be busy with a student, doing God knows what. That would complicate things. Hopefully, he’d get lucky and Alec would be there alone. Then all Ram had to do was get inside. He’d pretend to be interested in lessons, like a spy going undercover. Use a fake name and everything.

Once inside, the possibilities were limitless. It was probably the only chance he’d have in his entire life to beat the shit out of someone with zero consequences. What was Alec going to do, complain to the cops? _This kid attacked me because I molested his friend._

Ram could get away with anything. It would be nice to leave a scar. Something to remind the bastard he’s a monster, and people hunt monsters.

It was a shame he didn’t have a cattle brand. Or a gun. Not to shoot Alec (though putting a bullet in the pervert’s kneecap was extremely tempting), but to scare the shit out of him. He could have put a lot more planning into this operation, and waited until after school, but Tobi might try to stop him, or alert Alec, given his confusion over who was at fault.

The car stopped.

“Wait for me, okay? Keep the meter running. I won’t be long.”

“You got it.”

Ram raced into the building, nearly knocking over Taylor Clarin. Taylor starred in the TV show _Hexes and Hurricanes._ He looked around Tobi’s age. Ram couldn’t help but wonder how many of Alec’s students knew what a creepy asshole he was. “Sorry,” murmured Ram, hurrying off. “Love your show.”

“Aw, thanks!” Taylor sounded strangely touched.

Ram stopped in front of the studio door and took a moment to focus on his mission. He didn’t have much time. Needed to be quick. And careful. He couldn’t be too pushy, or look too frazzled, or Alec might get suspicious.

He knocked on the door.

A man answered, peering out at him.

“Alec?”

“Yes?”

Ram fought the urge to bash Alec’s head against the doorframe. “Name’s Sergei. Was wondering if you’re accepting new students. I booked a _Haereth_ commercial and suspect they didn’t hire me for my theatrical ability.” He stood up straight, puffing out his chest.

Alec grinned. “ _Haereth_ , huh? Lucky you. Love their clothes. Come in for a minute. I’ll check my schedule. When’s the shoot?”

Ram stepped inside the studio and Alec closed the door.

Up to that point, Ram was proud of his restraint and commitment to his mission, but it vanished the moment they were alone. Alec pulled out his phone and Ram knocked it out of his hand. The man stared at him in confusion.

“I don’t have time to mess around, so you’re getting the short version.” He shoved Alec against the wall. Hard. “You’re fucking disgusting. Your students _trust_ you, they –”

Alec grabbed a metal statue and smashed it into the side of Ram’s face. Bright flares of colour flashed before his eyes and he staggered back, releasing his grip.

Alec bolted and Ram heard a door slam. His vision slowly returned, blurry and unsteady. The room spun. Blood dripped down the side of his face.

This was not how this was supposed to go.

Ram took a few shaky steps, trying to figure out where Alec went. He could see only one closed door, other than the door he came in, and made his way over, trying the handle. Locked. “Let me in, you pile of shit! I’m supposed to teach you a lesson!”

“Go away!”

Ram threw his weight against the door, trying to break it down. He bounced off. _Shit_ , _that hurt_. Why did it always look so God damn easy in the movies? He threw himself at the door again. And again. He heard something crack, and with a final shove the door broke open, revealing an empty bathroom, the window wide open. Ram staggered over to it and peered down. A fire escape. Alec reached the bottom, staring up at him.

Ram went out the window, launching himself down the stairs.

Alec raced off. Ram took multiple stairs at a time, closing in. He reached the ground and paused, hit with a wave of nausea, trying not to throw up.

He needed to go. Needed to catch that motherfucker. His legs quivered, threatening to give out.

The screeching of brakes filled the air and the smell of burnt rubber wafted in his direction. A woman screamed. Horns blared. Ram limped out of the alley and looked around the corner. A mangled body laid in the middle of the street. Alec. People gathered around him, talking among themselves. _Ran into the street_. _He’s not breathing. I can’t feel a pulse._ A bus was stopped several meters away, slightly askew. The horrified bus driver paced back and forth. _Came out of nowhere. No time to stop. I swear, he ran right in front of me. Oh God. Oh God. I didn’t see him._

Ram hurried back to the car.

“What the hell happened to you?” asked the driver.

“Fell down some stairs. I need to get back to Queen Verity Academy. Hurry, please. There’s been an accident and traffic’s gonna get nuts.”

“Crap. Hold on.” The driver swerved into the street and sped off.

Ram held a hand to his forehead, trying to stop the bleeding.

“Did you see what happened?” asked the driver.

“Some guy got hit by a bus.”

“God. That’s horrible.”

Ram silently disagreed.

He typed a message into his phone, hands shaking.

_[Ram] 12:34. Bastard attacked me, then ran into a bus. Blood on studio floor. Broken bathroom door. Looks bad!!! Don’t want cops involved!_

_[Efreet] 12:34. On it._

No telling what the cops might find, if they found the circumstances suspicious. Might cause trouble for Tobi. Ram didn’t want that. He was already risking Tobi’s wrath by turning Alec into roadkill. It wasn’t like he’d pushed the guy or anything, but if given the chance, he would have. He wasn’t sorry. Wouldn’t apologise. Wouldn’t lose any fucking sleep over it.

One less asshole in the world was a good thing.

Hopefully Tobi would see it that way.


	31. [13.1] Tobi

The twenty minutes it took for the drugs to kick in were absolute hell. Tobi clung to Gage, unable to stop shaking, barely able to breathe. There was no way he could face Alec. Not after whatever the hell Ram was going to do. He’d have to find a new acting coach, and create a convincing excuse for the switch, because his parents would find it strange. You didn’t ditch someone you’d worked with for four years for no reason. Someone who took you to see your favourite band and brought you soup when you were sick. It was all too much. He couldn’t stop crying, which only got worse when he noticed Gage sobbing quietly.

“Why are _you_ crying?” asked Tobi.

“Because you’re sad.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

By the time the bell rang, he was calm enough to feel capable of enduring anything. Nuclear holocaust? No problem. An alien invasion? Bring it on. Ram still not back? Whatever. Didn’t concern him. Didn’t have to think about it if he didn’t want to. He preferred to think about other things, like how shiny Gage’s hair was.

“Do you want to go back to class?” asked Gage.

“What choice do I have?”

“We can go to the office. Tell them you’re not feeling well. I’ll call Nana and tell her to pick us up. We can stay at your house tonight, if you want.”

“Ooh, let’s do that. We can have a sleepover.”

“Will you be able to reach your mom? You’ll need permission to leave with Nana.”

“I think so.”

Tobi linked arms with Gage and wandered to the office, in no hurry. The second bell rang. They approached the desk.

“Hello, Mrs. Carbuncle,” said Gage. “Tobi’s not feeling well and I’d like to accompany him home, since his parents are unavailable. Can he call his mom?”

“Of course he can.” Mrs. Carbuncle dialed Mum’s cell phone number and handed over the phone. Phone calls were the way the school accepted instructions from parents or guardians. It was too easy for a student to send an email from their parents’ phone or forge a note. All calls went through voice recognition software, allowing the school to confirm they were speaking to the real thing.

Hopefully Mum wouldn’t be asleep. He didn’t want to wake her. The phone rang several times, then she picked up.

“Hello, sweetie. Everything okay?”

“I’m not feeling well. Can you talk to Mrs. Carbuncle and tell her I can leave with Gage? His nana’s gonna pick us up.”

“What’s the matter? Do you have a fever? Are you throwing up?”

“No, no. Just a little dizzy. More tired than anything. Haven’t been sleeping much.”

“All right. Take it easy, okay? Make sure you eat something. Put Mrs. Carbuncle on.”

“Yes, Mum. I’ll see you tomorrow. Gonna come visit.” Tobi handed Mrs. Carbuncle the phone.

“Hello, Mrs. Haines. Yes, of course. Thank you. Absolutely. Take care. Bye now.” Mrs. Carbuncle hung up. “You can leave with Gage."

Gage called Nana, talking as they wandered down the hall. “Nana. Can you come pick up me and Tobi? He’s not feeling good and I want to stay at his house tonight. I need my overnight backpack. Thank you. Love you.”

They stopped. Drops of blood littered the ground, forming a trail to the nurse’s office. Tobi caught Gage’s gaze and for a moment they communicated without words, sharing a single thought. _Ram_.

A nurse greeted them in the reception area. “Can I help you?”

“We’re looking for our friend,” replied Tobi.

“Ram? He’s with Nurse Hodges.”

“Can we see him?”

The nurse picked up the phone and hit a button. “Ask Ram if he wants company. His friends are here.” A short pause. “Okay.” She hung up. “Go on in.”

They entered a second room. Ram sat on an examination table, bleeding from a wound on his forehead.

“I was waiting in line outside Mandagia’s,” said Ram. “Some asshole picked a fight. I fell. Hit my head on the curb.” He sighed heavily. “I just wanted a sandwich.” If Tobi didn’t know Ram was lying his ass off, he never would have guessed. The guy was surprisingly convincing. Would make a good actor.

“It looks like you were hit with something sharp,” said the nurse.

“It was a _sharp_ curb. Metal grate and all.”

“You’re going to need stitches. It’ll probably leave a scar.”

“Great, I'll add it to my collection.”

The nurse worked quickly, sewing up the gash above Ram’s left eyebrow.

“Do you have any ringing in your ears? Any confusion or nausea?” asked the nurse.

“No ringing. Normal levels of confusion. Felt a bit nauseous earlier, but it went away.”

“I recommend you go home and get some sleep. If you feel worse tomorrow morning, or have difficult thinking clearly, see a doctor. It may indicate a brain injury.”

“That explains a few things,” declared Ram. “Fell out of a tree when I was six. Haven’t been the same since.”

Tobi clung to Gage, eager to know what _really_ happened, managing to stay quiet until they were all outside and away from potential eavesdroppers.

“What happened?” asked Tobi.

“I started lecturing your coach about being a pervert and he hit me with a fucking statue.”

“His Turpentine Acting Award,” muttered Tobi. Awarded for Alec's role in the stage production of _Bullets and Babes_. Alec loved that thing. Always had it on display.

“He took off, went out the window, down the fire escape. Ran like hell right into the street.” Ram paused and placed a hand on Tobi’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. “The bus … it had no time to stop.”

“It hit him?” asked Tobi.

“Killed him instantly.”

Tobi couldn’t think of anything to say, his mind blank, a swirling void.

“Did you get blood everywhere?” asked Gage.

“Called someone to clean it up. Didn’t want a bunch of cops crawling all over the place, asking questions … Wasn’t sure what they might find.”

“We didn’t make any sex tapes,” said Tobi, “if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Ram palmed his forehead and groaned. “Can’t believe I was denied the pleasure of hitting that motherfucker.”

Gage patted Ram on the back. “It’s okay. The bus hit harder.”


	32. [13.2]

Tobi unlocked the front door to his house and stepped inside. Gage and Ram followed. Despite being grounded, Ram convinced his mom to let him leave school early (“My head hurts.”) and spend the night. Ram said this was made possible by his father being out of town and his mom not giving a shit what he did as long as he stayed out of trouble. Hopefully, she wouldn’t change her mind when the school called to tell her Ram split his head open in a sandwich brawl.

Tobi still felt pleasantly numb, immune to pain, but knew reality wasn’t far off. He could take more drugs to dull the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame, but eventually his parents would notice. Better to get it over with; allow the real world to creep back in, no matter how badly it sucked. He could deal.

Ram was covered in dried blood, his clothes ruined. Once it dried, blood almost always left a stain. Tobi found that out the hard way. He herded Ram in the direction of the bathroom. “Go take a shower. I’ll order you new clothes from Tarrington’s.” Ram couldn’t go to school tomorrow dressed like he belonged on the set of a horror movie.

“Nothing too weird,” protested Ram.

“I’ll resist the urge to put you in tight jeans. Don’t need that kind of distraction.”

Ram blushed and shuffled off, looking a little lopsided, one shoulder higher than the other.

Gage stood in the kitchen, staring into the fridge disapprovingly. “You have no food.”

“We don’t usually cook, especially when it’s just Mum and me. Don’t worry – we can order something to eat later. What do you feel like?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’ve got time to think about it.”

They sat on the couch, browsing clothes on Tobi’s tablet. It didn’t take long to narrow down his options, settling on slightly baggy black jeans with a silver chain and a grey v-neck t-shirt. He added some black socks and two pairs of blue bamboo boxers, his favourite kind. _So soft._ He paid for the clothes and received notice a delivery drone would arrive in twenty minutes.

Ram joined them, wearing delightfully snug black boxers and a white cotton undershirt. Ram was in better shape than most people, yet Tobi had only seen him with his shirt off when they went swimming, and it had been too dark to properly admire him. If he looked as good as Ram, he’d want to be naked all the time. Ram’s left shoulder was a giant bruise, a mix of angry purples and swollen reds.

“Shit … Your shoulder …” Tobi touched Ram’s arm gingerly.

“You should see the other guy,” joked Ram.

“Alec did that?”

“No. He hid in the bathroom. I broke down the door.”

“You must have scared the shit out of him.”

“I like to think so.”

Tobi picked up the remote and switched on the TV. “Let’s watch a movie.” He brought up a list of new releases and handed the remote to Gage. “You should pick.”

Gage chose a documentary on razor sharks. The sharks looked horrifying, but rarely attacked humans. They were hunted relentlessly by pods of whales that partnered up and rammed the sharks from both sides at once, killing them and eating their livers.

They paused the documentary to collect Ram’s clothes. Ram opened the package with the tenderness of a bomb technician and looked relieved by its contents. “These are great. Thanks. How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing. I’m the reason you got hurt. Least I can do is buy you new clothes.”

“I got hurt because Alec was an asshole, and fast for a creepy old fuck. That’s hardly your fault.”

“It’s a gift. Your birthday’s coming up, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” muttered Ram.

“Happy Birthday.” Tobi clapped Ram on the back and went back to the couch. They finished the gruesome documentary and played _Firedrome_ for a few hours, competing in races with armoured vehicles.

“I’m getting hungry,” said Gage.

“What do you guys want to eat?” asked Tobi.

“Doesn’t matter to me,” said Ram.

Tobi’s phone rang. He answered it, fairly sure why Mum was calling him. “Hey, Mum.”

“Hello, sweetheart. Did you make it home okay?”

“Yeah, we’re trying to decide what to order for dinner. Ram’s here, too. How are you feeling?”

“Much better. You should order some chicken from Emperor’s Throne. Marya brought me some yesterday and I swear it’s the best thing I’ve eaten in months.” Mum’s voice sounded strained.

“Good idea.”

“Tobes, I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.” It had to be Alec. If anything had happened to Dad, Mum wouldn’t be giving him restaurant recommendations.

“I got a call from Gemma.” Alec’s wife. “Alec died this afternoon. I’m so sorry, sweetie. He was crossing the street and got struck by a vehicle.”

Even though Tobi felt nothing, he knew how to pretend. “I saw him this morning … He made me pancakes …” Tobi swallowed thickly, fighting back tears. He thought of Liam. “I can’t believe he’s gone. How could this happen? Was the driver drunk?”

“No. They didn’t see Alec until it was too late. He crossed during a green light.”

“God damnit.” He sobbed quietly, tears itching his face.

“It’s awful. I’m sorry to give you such horrible news when you’re not feeling well and hanging with your friends, but I wanted you to hear it from me. Won’t be long before the media are all over it. Poor Gem.” She sighed heavily. “I do have _some_ good news. Your dad’s coming home tomorrow night. I’ll call the school and tell them not to expect you tomorrow. Stay home and get some rest.”

“I want to see you,” he protested, voice breaking.

“Okay. I’d rather you stay home, but I’m agreeing because I know you’re going to do it anyway.”

“You know me too well.”

“I love you. Get lots to eat, okay? If you show up tomorrow looking like you need to be fed, I’m dragging you to the cafeteria myself.”

“Yes, Mum. Love you, too.”

Tobi hung up and wiped the snot off his face with his sleeve. _And cut._ “Mum says we should order fried chicken.”

“Okay,” said Gage. “But I don’t want any legs.”

“I like legs,” said Ram.

“The ratio of meat to bone is all wrong.”

“Which pieces do you like best?” asked Tobi.

“Wings, but only the wingette. The drumette reminds me too much of a leg. I won’t eat that part unless I have to. It bugs me.”

Tobi grinned and reached for his tablet, loading the restaurant’s website. “That’s adorable.”


	33. [13.3]

Tobi didn’t have much of an appetite, but he ate as much chicken as he could, hoping it would be enough to prevent Mum from lecturing him for looking too skinny. The fact that it was damn good chicken made wolfing it down a lot easier.

An annoying pain filled his chest. It got worse every time his phone flashed. Messages of condolence from people who knew he worked with Alec. A flood of sympathies he neither wanted or deserved. Eventually, he turned his phone off.

Ram picked the next movie, _Four Hours from Hargin,_ an award-winning war film with amazing cinematography. Tobi wanted to play a soldier one day. The challenge appealed to him. He had no interest in playing normal people who did normal things. Anyone could do that. Of course, playing a soldier would mean learning how to use a gun. Tobi wasn’t looking forward that, but it wouldn’t be a challenge if parts of the experience didn’t suck.

After the first hour of watching people get blown up, Ram got up and made popcorn.

“I need my own bowl,” said Gage.

“What for?” asked Ram.

“I don’t want anyone to eat my pieces.”

“Okay then.” Ram complied, filling a separate bowl for Gage, handing it to him.

Gage’s eyes lit up. He took the bowl and removed a single piece of popcorn, studying it intently. He bit off several chunks before dropping it back into the bowl. Tobi watched, fascinated.

“What are you doing to that popcorn?” asked Ram.

“I don’t like the bits with traces of kernel as much as the part with no kernel. I eat the nasty bits first and save the soft part for last. At the end, I have a bowl full of popcorn fluff. It’s amazing.”

Tobi grabbed a piece of popcorn and bit off the parts with the shell, leaving a soft nub. He collected a few and popped them in his mouth. They practically melted; silky smooth, salty, buttery clouds.

“Need my own bowl,” muttered Tobi, getting up.

When the movie ended, they pulled the cushions off the couch and pulled out a king-sized bed, loading it with blankets and pillows. Ram took a painkiller and quickly fell asleep.

Tobi doubted his ability to sleep anytime soon. His stomach churned and his chest still felt like he’d swallowed an army of fire ants. “Wish I could fall asleep that easily.”

“Want some of my tea?” asked Gage.

“Got enough for both of us?”

“Yes, I have lots. I’ll make you some.”

Gage brought him a cup. Tobi drank slowly, surprised to find the taste pleasant and not medicinal. He laid between Gage and Ram, reminding himself to breathe. He was quiet for a while, trying not to think about anything, failing.

Gage ran his fingers through Tobi’s hair. “It’s good that Alec is gone. He’ll never hurt anyone the way he hurt you.”

“But he didn’t hurt me … not really … I let him do it. Never told him to stop. It’s not his fault.”

“Yes, it is. You should talk to a therapist. They’ll help you understand better.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it. I wanna forget this shit happened and move on.”

“Talking about things helps me,” said Gage. “Especially when I don’t understand something.”

“Oh, I understand fine. I did something stupid because I didn’t want to disappoint someone I cared about. It won’t happen again. I’ve learned my lesson, okay?”

“Don’t blame yourself. Eventually, you’ll regret the amount of time wasted beating yourself up for no reason. It’s not helpful, I assure you.”

“You sound like you have some experience with that,” said Tobi.

“I watched two people get shot and couldn’t do anything to help them. Blamed myself for a long time.”

Tobi stared at Gage in disbelief. “But you’re just a kid.”

“So are you.”

Tobi cringed. “Don’t say that. I knew what I was doing.”

“Whether or not you put yourself in that situation is irrelevant. It was Alec’s responsibility to ensure no harm came to you under his care and he failed catastrophically. What he did was wrong. Period. There’s no excuse for it. None.”

Tobi shook his head. That was _it_. He was _done_. No more talking about it. No one would ever understand. “Who got shot?”

“Miss Maisey and Alpha. They abducted me when I was six, but they weren’t mean. Just confused. Did a lot of drugs. They owed bad people a lot of money. Bad people who came to collect. They broke in. Alpha tried to reason with them, but they shot him in the shoulder. He fought back. They shot him again, right in the neck. Severed the carotid. Blood everywhere.”

“God …” Tobi slid his arms around Gage’s neck, hugging him close.

“I knew there was a gun in the drawer. I’d seen Alpha cleaning it earlier. I pointed the gun at the man who shot Alpha and pulled the trigger. The gun jammed. Nothing happened. I didn’t know how to fix it. The man looked at me … his eyes all wide … and he laughed and laughed.” Gage frowned deeply. “I didn’t find it funny. He shot Miss Maisey in the head.” Gage shuddered against him and sighed heavily. “The men left. A neighbour came over to investigate and called the police. She gave me chocolate milk.”

“You’re so brave.”

“No. I was scared.”

“Being brave doesn’t mean you’re never scared. It means you’re courageous even when you’re scared shitless.” It was the speech General Braxton gave to inspire his troops in _Falling Stars_ , an old war movie his dad liked to watch, slightly paraphrased. “I hate guns. They make it too easy for people to kill each other. If you want to take someone out, you should have to work for it, give them a chance to defend themselves, show a little fucking sportsmanship.”

“Unfortunately, not everyone has your sense of honour. People don’t play fair. If someone resorts to gun violence, a bullet is usually the best way of stopping them.”

Tobi closed his heavy eyes. Gage’s tea seemed to be working. “I wish I’d been born thousands of years ago. Before guns. When people killed each other with swords like civilized human beings. Guess I’m old-fashioned.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here. It’s nice having you around.”

Tobi tightened his arms around Gage. “Thank you.”


	34. [14.1] Ram

Ram woke up feeling like he’d been hit by a bus. His entire body ached, but his shoulder hurt the worst. He took two painkillers the nurse gave him. They weren’t the good shit, but weren’t bad. Better than nothing. He curled into a ball and waited for the pain to go away. Tobi twitched beside him, muttering incomprehensibly. Ram considered waking him, but whatever was bothering Tobi went away. He became silent and still.

Ram fought the urge to kiss Tobi’s bare shoulder. Lying next to Tobi was like being in a museum. Ram could admire the art, but couldn’t touch it. Couldn’t take it home and show it off. Not without serious consequences.

No matter how badly he wanted to kiss Tobi, he had to resist. It wasn’t safe for them to be together. No telling what Ram’s father would do when he inevitably found out, but it would be ugly.

Sure, they could hide their relationship, but how long would that last? Ram already lived in fear of being found out and barely had anything to hide. Sooner or later, he’d fuck up and the truth would come out. He always fucked up.

Besides, Tobi deserved better than someone who could only keep him a dirty secret. Someone who couldn’t hold his hand in public. Couldn’t go with him to a movie premier, wearing matching outfits.

The painkillers hit him all at once and next thing Ram knew, Gage was shaking him awake. “Breakfast is ready.”

“Five more minutes.” Ram turned over, burying his face in his pillow.

“No. Your egg will get cold.”

“Bossy,” grumbled Ram. He grabbed Gage and pulled him on the bed, pinning him down after a brief struggle. He was careful, as if wrestling someone made of glass.

Gage stared up at him, meeting his gaze. “You’re heavy. It feels nice. Are you going to school?”

Ram’s cheeks burned. “No. I’m going home.” School wasn’t an option. He’d be yelled at for showing up high on painkillers and sent home. Unlike Tobi, he couldn’t get away with nodding off during class.

“Okay. A driver will be here at eight o’clock. They’ll drop Tobi off at the hospital, me at school, and you at home.” Gage bit down on the inside of his own bottom lip and struggled against him. “Go eat.”

“I’m going, I’m going.” Ram rolled off Gage and out of bed. He checked his phone, surprised to see no messages from his father. Surely Efreet had told him what happened. Someone had to pay the cleanup crew and “janitorial services” weren’t cheap.

The last time he’d called Efreet it cost him six months worth of allowance. He didn’t know what else to do. His family had lunch at the Irvingshire estate and the Duke of Irvingshire’s daughter, Agatha, took enough golden pastoral to mellow out a colony of killer ants, stole her father’s car, and took Ram for a ride through the woods, which ended with her smashing into a tree. They were unhurt, thanks to superior safety engineering, and Agatha calmly told him her mom was going to beat her ass. Ram hadn’t been okay with that. He traded places with her and pretended he’d been driving; called Ef to say he’d stolen a car and hit something.

The silence could only mean Ram’s father intended to confront him face-to-face, which was something to look forward to.

Ram swallowed two more painkillers and limped into the kitchen. He sat across from Tobi at the table. On his plate was a perfectly cooked egg, whites firm, yolk deliciously juicy, a piece of lightly toasted bread, three sausages, and a prickleberry yogurt cup.

Gage sat between them, staring down at his plate. “Sorry breakfast is boring. I didn’t have much to work with.”

“Don’t worry about it, man,” said Ram. “This is better than anything I could make.”

“Yes, thank you. You’re amazing.” Tobi dipped the corner of his toast into the egg yolk took a bite, chewing slowly, eyes closing, a look of bliss crossing his face. “Delicious.” His pale hair was still damp from the shower and he smelled like an expensive candy store, looking tired but otherwise fine. “Your tea gave me weird dreams.”

“What kind of dreams?” asked Gage.

“I was being chased by a big monster, but managed to get away. I hid in a cave. Except … the cave was full of _little_ monsters. They attacked. Started _eating_ me. I could _feel_ them crawling all over … their sharp teeth.” Tobi shuddered. “Then I was fishing at the lake … My line kept breaking. I’d get a bite, start reeling in, then _snap_! Couldn’t figure it out. The fish weren’t that big. I wasn’t getting snagged on anything. Turns out there was a tiger living under the water, stealing all my fish.”

“I gotta try that tea,” muttered Ram. “Does it give you weird dreams, too?” he asked Gage.

“Sometimes. Last night I listened to an orchestra play a symphony that doesn’t exist. It was so beautiful. I woke up sad that I’d never hear it again.” Gage pouted. “And I’ve already forgotten what it sounded like.” He stuffed a spoon full of yogurt in his mouth and licked it clean.

Ram quickly finished breakfast and got up to take a cold shower.

Once cooled off, he put on his new clothes and prepared to face the day.

They dropped Tobi off first, then Gage. Without them, Ram felt strangely depressed, an uncomfortable heaviness in his chest.

He was relieved not to see his father’s car in the driveway. Sometimes Father worked from home, commanding an empire from the comfort of his study, listening to songbirds gather in the rows of white ripplebark trees lining the property.

He found Mom in the living room, dressed in silk pajamas, drinking a bottle of sparkling wine.

“Hello, darling.” Her brown, doe-like eyes widened at the sight of him. “Look at you! Let me see your face.”

Ram sat beside her. “I’m totally disfigured,” he joked. “No one’s ever going to love me as much as you.”

She eyed him critically, but the tenderness in her voice revealed she was teasing him. “You are rather hideous.”

“I should find a cute blind girl.”

Mom nodded in agreement. “You should. Might be your only chance.” She kissed his forehead and Ram pretended she actually cared. That she’d never forget him in a shoe store or insist he was fine the first time Father wrenched his arm out of the socket. “My poor baby. Go take it easy. Your father will be home later.”

Ram cringed. He spent the day playing video games and napping. He didn’t take anything other than a few painkillers, wanting to be somewhat coherent when dealing with his father. Eventually his phone lit up.

_[Horatius Atherton] 5:14. We need to talk._

Ram hustled to his father’s study and knocked on the door. He prepared himself for the worst, grateful his ability to feel pain was currently reduced.

“Come in.”

Ram stepped inside, trying to look as calm as possible. He knew from experience that the more stressed out he appeared, the more Father assumed he’d behaved badly. 

Father sat at his desk, smoking a cigarette, tendrils of smoke rising. “Ramiel. What happened?”

He’d practiced his response. “I went to give my friend’s acting coach shit for being a creep. The guy hit me with a statue and bolted. Went out the window. Got smashed by a bus.”

Father stared at him. He took a drag of his cigarette and exhaled through his nose. “You did the right thing. You could have tried to cover it up on your own, but you had enough sense to contact Ef, even though it meant I’d find out.”

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” he stated confidently. _I never got the chance._ “I knew you’d understand. You’re a reasonable guy.”

Smoke curled around Father’s face. “Indeed.”

Ram tried never to lie to his father. He only got away with it when he took the blame for doing something stupid. Like stealing a car. Because it sounded like something he would do. It would never occur to his psychopath of a father that he might be covering for a girl he’d never met because she was nice to him during a time when everyone treated him like shit. Because when Agatha sped through the woods, trees flying by in a blur, car soaring, he felt two things he’d never felt before, both alive and free.

The beating he took was well worth it. 

Father opened the top drawer of his desk and handed him a catalogue, from a company called HEXX. Various weapons were shown on the cover – a sniper rifle, a grenade launcher, an armour-penetrating pistol. “I bought this company a few years ago. Thought you might want to take a look, considering you’ll be running it someday.”

Ram flipped through the pages and stared at the specs for an assault rifle. _1200 rounds per minute. Range of up to 60 meters._ Not your average hunting rifle. He turned to roughly the halfway mark and looked at the top of the page. _Anti-Tank Missiles._ The catalogue was full of cool shit, but made him uncomfortable. It felt cursed, as if reading the words aloud would unleash an unholy shitstorm. “Who buys this stuff? The military?”

“Yes. 95% of our business is military contracts.”

“What’s the other 5%?”

“Various organizations that require lots of reliable weaponry.” Father regarded him blankly, showing no emotion. “Insurgents and extremist militia groups need machine guns, too.”

Ram went cold all over. Selling guns to the army was one thing, but supplying terrorists with bombs was another. _Greedy motherfucker. How could you do that? It’s not like you need the fucking money._ He was afraid to open his mouth, afraid of what might come out, daring only to mutter a few words. “Yes, sir.”

Father ground his cigarette into the ashtray. “You can go now.”

Ram wandered back to his room, wondering what monstrous crimes he’d committed in previous lifetimes to deserve _this_. He’d thought running a pharmaceutical company was punishment enough, and they didn’t blow up schools. His friends were are good as gone. Tobi and Gage were good people. Wouldn’t want anything to do with a fucking international arms dealer.

He sat on the edge of his bed, sulking, and his phone rang. Unknown number.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Ram. It’s Trina.”

 _Oh, shit._ “What’s up?”

“Are you doing anything this weekend? I need a date for a fundraiser. Devin was supposed to take me, but decided he’d rather go to a fucking brightball game with his brother.”

Ram wanted to turn her down, but couldn’t. Trina would tell everyone at school and they’d wonder what was wrong with him. Wonder why he’d rejected a hot girl with tits the size of her head. People would talk. He’d gotten himself into this mess, now he had to deal with the consequences. “I’ll go with you. I can pick you up, too. Getting my license for my birthday.” It was the only thing he was allowed to do for the occasion, being grounded and all.

“Great. See you.” She hung up.

Ram raided his stash box, not nearly high enough to deal with this shit. He took a handful of various pills, confident they would temporarily prevent reality from creeping in. All he wanted was to play his games in peace, without worrying where the money that paid for them came from.


	35. [14.2]

Ram drove to Trina’s house in his new vehicle. He’d known he was getting some form of transportation for his birthday and expected something fast and sleek. What he got was a black armoured SUV with bulletproof windows. It could run on flat tires, put out fires, and store cigars with the perfect amount of humidity. A fortress on wheels. It wasn’t going to win any races or beauty contests, but he loved it. He named it _The Beast._

Trina met him at the door. She stepped outside and paused, staring at _The Beast._ “We going into combat or something?”

“I wish,” said Ram. Now _that_ would be an exciting evening. Being shot at was a _much_ better alternative to pretending to care about Trina-Bitchface-Harris. Fortunately, Gage would be at the fundraiser, and Tobi might show up too, depending on whether or not his flight back from Haringbald came in on time. He’d left in the morning for a charity function.

Tobi hadn’t been to school in days. Had more important things to do – auditions, interviews, photoshoots. Celebrity stuff. Ram worried it was only a matter of time before Tobi’s parents pulled him out of school and he’d never see him again. That was going to suck. Ram felt sick just thinking about it.

Ram opened the passenger door for Trina and helped her climb inside. She sat in her seat, staring at her phone.

“What kind of music do you listen to?” asked Ram, getting into the driver’s seat. He’d never force anyone to listen to music they didn’t like. He knew how upsetting it could be. Opera music, Father’s favourite, made Ram want to drive an icepick in his ear canals. Country had a similar effect.

“I don’t really listen to music,” said Trina. “Doesn’t do anything for me.”

“That’s unusual.”

“I guess.” Trina scrolled through her phone.

Ram allowed silence to settle over them, indifferent. At least he’d tried.

When they arrived, Ram looked for Gage, but saw no sign of him or Nana. The fundraiser was for preserving a chunk of distant jungle home to the last remaining wild bluebottle orchids. A beautiful, but otherwise useless flower.

Ram loaded up on jungle-themed snacks from serving platters. He was enjoying a coconut tart when Trina finally opened her mouth. “Oh, there’s Sharlene. I’m going to go talk to her. You wait here.”

Suddenly, he was nine years old, being told to stay in his room and not come out, ensuring he couldn’t humiliate his father in front of company. Ram knew he was an embarrassment. Knew his parents desperately tried to have another child after he was born, in hope of producing a worthier heir, someone who wouldn’t fill his ancestors with shame, but they discovered the sickness Father caught in Terovia made him sterile. 

Left to entertain himself, Ram pulled out his phone and visited his favourite website – _Tastes Like Pork –_ a cannibal fantasy forum. The forum attracted hundreds of people who found cannibalism fascinating. People who were open to consuming human flesh, given the chance. Some were deeply religious, believing devouring their loved ones allowed part of them to live on. Others thought of it as a link to simpler times, when food was scarce and enemies numerous. When eating the motherfucker invading your territory _meant_ something _and_ tasted amazing. Then there were people like him, drawn by the allure of the forbidden, morbidly curious. 

Ram scanned the list of recently posted topics.

_Favourite song?_

_Help me identify this mushroom_

_Speckled Pig Roasted in Pineapple Wine Recipe_

_Horror film recommendations!_

Most people were surprisingly normal. They talked as much about every day things as they did about cannibalism. They were dentists, teachers, and construction workers. They fought over the correct pronunciation of “isthmus”.

_Anyone else fantasize about having sex with a corpse?_

_Of course, there were exceptions._

_A few months ago, I watched a video where someone who works in a morgue had sex with one of the dead bodies. I can’t stop thinking about it. It turns me on so much. I want to jerk off all the time. I’ve had sex before, but it didn’t excite me as much as this. I’m considering a career as a mortician just so I can have access to a steady supply of bodies._

_I love the idea of fucking someone who can’t judge me, or yell at me for coming inside them. Someone I can control. No stupid bitch making me feel like shit._

_Ram wrote a reply and posted it. That’s what sex dolls are for. What a creep. Hopefully SoulDestroyer wasn’t a threat to anyone. Ram had read enough books about serial killers to know an interest in cannibalism and necrophilia was usually a bad combination. The guy might be genuinely fucked in the head. Dangerous. He might also be a jackass looking for attention online. Sometimes it was hard to tell the difference._

_He heard Mom laugh—she was there with a friend—and looked in her direction, catching sight of Gage. Gage wore a dark blue silk suit with matching tie— the result of begging Tobi to help him pick out an outfit that was both stylish and comfortable. Something girls would find attractive._

_Ram made his way over, ignoring Trina’s instructions to remain where he was, because fuck that, and stood beside Mom._ “Is this creep bothering you?” he asked, giving Gage a playful shove.

“Doesn’t Gage look adorable?” Mom swallowed another mouthful of sparkling wine and twirled a strand of blonde hair around her finger. “He looks like he belongs in a Degrasias painting – a triumphant angel, basking in righteous victory over some unholy beast. You know what I mean. A glowing, ethereal young man with the severed head of a demon in his hand.”

“I wouldn’t decapitate a demon,” said Gage. “I’d shoot it in the face.”

Mom giggled and grabbed Ram’s hand. “Where’s your date? What’s her name again?”

“Trina. She’s over there,” replied Ram. “Talking to her friend.”

“Which one is she?”

“In the green dress.”

“Oh, the poor thing. Those breasts are going to mess up her back.”

“Tobi!” Gage’s face lit up and he took off, rushing into the crowd.

Ram spotted Tobi right away, his suit the same shade of blue as Gage’s, decorated with detailed gold stitching, forming elaborate orchids. He practically glowed, looking perfect and joyful, immune to grief. A divine illusion. Ram wondered how Tobi was doing. _Really_ doing. But they didn’t talk about what happened. Whenever he or Gage brought it up, Tobi changed the subject. The only thing they’d discussed was Alec’s funeral, happening next week. Tobi wanted an excuse to avoid it.

“God, that boy is beautiful,” said Mom.

Ram grunted softly. “Hard not to look good when you have your hair and makeup professionally done.”

“I was talking about Gage. Does he have a girlfriend?”

Ram rolled his eyes. “He’s _fifteen_ and you’re _married._ ”

Mom laughed. “I’m not asking for me. One of the pageant girls I coach would be perfect for him. She’s around his age. Smart girl. Loves animals.”

Ram was tempted to lie, to say Gage was already seeing someone, to prevent Mom from setting him up, because part of him didn’t want Gage to have a girlfriend, didn’t want to share him with anyone other than Tobi. But that was selfish and mean, and maybe actually being with a girl would alert Gage to what a pain in the ass they were.

“I don’t think so,” he muttered, barely audible over the sound of the DJ. A slow, sappy song came on over the loudspeakers. Tobi leaned in and said something to Gage, prompting Gage to nod in agreement, and they began to dance.

Gage clung to Tobi, looking slightly lost, until Tobi showed him how to move his feet in a simple step. They glided around the room in unison, pressed together, Tobi’s arms around Gage’s neck. Fear and helplessness crept over him. Both entirely irrational. Ram knew he had no reason to be jealous. Tobi wasn’t dating Gage. Gage didn’t even like boys. None of it made sense. Yet he still wanted to scream, peel off his skin, and beat it against a bed of nails, until that itching, burning feeling was replaced by a wave of numbness.

His only consolation was that it would get better with time. Surely to God, it would get easier. The pointless, negative emotions would go away. He’d learn to be happy for Gage _and_ Tobi. Learn to be a good friend, instead of a jealous asshole.

He just needed time.

And if time didn’t fix it, God forbid, he’d learn to pretend.


	36. [15.1] Ram

Two-and-a-Half Years Later

Ram knew how sick and twisted people could be. He’d acquainted himself with the worst of humanity through years of personal correspondence with four serial killers serving life sentences in Black Heart prison and researching human monsters. Esther Heath killed and ate her son, then shat him out on the hood of her husband’s car. Mark Downer loved stapling his victim’s intestines to remote-controlled cars. Rekian soldiers participated in human experimentation, recording the reaction of civilians to things like extreme cold and the plague. They’d hack off a limb or two and see how long it took someone to bleed out. It was amazing what people could accomplish when they considered someone beneath them; subhuman. But nothing prepared him for the horrors of Tobi Haines fan fiction.

Some of the stories involved Tobi escorting a rabid _female_ fan to her high school graduation, only to be struck by the sudden realization he loved pussy as much as he loved cock. As if that wasn’t implausible enough, the story unusually concluded with Tobi proclaiming his undying love for someone he’d known less than 48 hours. Sometimes he proposed. It was obvious wish fulfilment churned out by teenage girls.

Other stories had seventeen-year-old Tobi banging every hot male actor in existence, which was equally unrealistic, considering the guy had no time for such things. Since Tobi dropped out of school, Ram was lucky if he saw him several times a month. Furthermore, Tobi avoided hooking up with other actors. There’d been a few incidents where guys got weirdly attached and took it badly when Tobi dumped them. Made seeing them painfully awkward. “I don’t like dating actors,” Tobi once told him. “Most of us are totally full of ourselves and utterly insecure at the same time. I want someone who can live without being worshipped by strangers.”

Then there was the _weird_ shit. For the last hour Ram and Gage had tried to see who could find the strangest fanfic. They sat up in Mugi’s treehouse. Ram and Gage leaned against the massive bear while Tobi laid on Mugi’s belly, feeding him smoked oysters from a tin. So far, Gage was winning.

“In this one you have sex with a salmon.” Gage stared at his phone and wrinkled his nose. “Tobi, you’re such a slut.”

Tobi laughed. “This is why I never look myself up.”

“How about this one?” asked Ram, reading off his screen. “Tobi is invited to attend a college that specializes in one thing – magick! But he doesn’t have any spellcasting abilities. Or does he?”

“People love wizard porn,” said Gage.

Tobi’s popularity had exploded in recent years, mostly due to his award-winning portrayal of tormented musician Aegis Phillipa. He’d also starred in a music video which racked up over fifteen million views in the first day, co-starring none other than Mugi.

To avoid attending Alec’s funeral, Tobi and Gage arranged a photoshoot at the wildlife rehab. Their photographer was only available during the funeral, or so the story went, and it was _essential_ that Tobi be there. He needed to help raise awareness of a truly vital and tragically underfunded resource. The pictures were of Tobi, dressed like a forest spirit with a fondness for glitter, having tea with Mugi, dancing with Mugi, swimming together.

The combination of a very beautiful boy and a very big bear shocked and inspired a lot of people. A popular band saw the photos and hired Tobi to star in a music video with Mugi. The video showed the two living in a cabin in the woods, in harmony with nature. That is until the bear gets blasted by poachers and dies with his head in Tobi’s lap. When Ram saw someone in public staring at their phone and sobbing hysterically, he assumed they were watching the video.

“Tobi Haines has a problem,” read Gage. “He’s in love with actors Hans Deaver, Jack Fierce, and Taylor Clarin, but can’t decide who he likes best! He’d better make up his mind fast, because he’s not the only one competing for their affection. Hans, Jack, and Taylor are all seeing other guys! Who will win Tobi’s heart?” Gage regarded Tobi thoughtfully. “Which do you like best?”

Tobi tugged at his hair in mock distress. “None of them! They’re all fucking someone else! I couldn’t deal with that shit. It would drive me crazy.”

Ram snorted. “Oh, please. Do you honestly think you’re the only one Karl was banging? Or Justin? Or Zac?”

“I didn’t _love_ them.” Tobi looked at him with obvious annoyance and Ram felt a strong sense of accomplishment. It took a lot to annoy Tobi enough for him to _look_ annoyed. “If I’d been serious, it would be different.” 

Ram laughed.

“What’s so funny?” asked Tobi.

“The thought of you being serious about anyone.” Tobi was never with anyone long. Three months at most. It made Ram happy. Not that he wanted Tobi to be miserable and alone, but none of those guys were right for him. Tobi’s time was precious and not to be wasted on losers. Losers like Jon, who had an amazing ass, but a shitty attitude, rude to everyone who wasn’t _somebody_. And Charles, who Ram overheard telling someone Tobi was “boring as hell”, and “dumb as a stick”, but “hot as fuck”, and generously contributed to Ram’s tooth collection. They didn’t like Tobi for who he was. They wanted the fame, the sex, the connections. Not the boy who cried over soft drink commercials and ate beating fish hearts.

The door to the treehouse creaked open. Ram glowered. _Speaking of losers_.

Finley Vern, a volunteer at the rehab, peered in at them. “I’m sorry. Didn’t realize anyone was up here.”

 _The hell you didn’t, asshole_. They weren’t quiet. Unless someone had hearing problems, which Finley did not, the sound of their voices would be audible outside. But Ram bit his tongue. He’d learned the importance of keeping his mouth shut, especially when what he wanted to say was ugly in nature. Something that would only result in Tobi berating him for being an insensitive shithead. He hated when Tobi yelled at him. It made him feel tiny and insignificant. Like he’d failed an important mission.

“I just wanted to check on Mugi. Have a good night.” Finley closed the door and Ram breathed a sigh of relief.

“Wait, Finley!” Tobi called out to him and the young man remerged. Finley was in his late teens, with brown eyes and wild brown hair that defied taming, sticking up at the back. “It’s okay. Come on in.”

 _It’s not okay, Tobes. Not okay._ Ram hated Finley. Hated his fucking weasel face and the way he followed Tobi around like a needy puppy, practically salivating. 

“Are you sure?” asked Finley. “I don’t wanna bother you guys.”

“It’s no bother.” Tobi remained sprawled out on Mugi’s chest, rising and falling with each breath. “We’re looking at fan fiction people have written about me. Some of it’s kinda messed up.”

“Like this one.” Gage read from his phone. “Tobi is captured by slave traders and sold to a rich, handsome alien prince. At first he’s unwilling to participate in the prince’s advanced breeding program, but it’s only a matter of time before Tobi’s pregnant with his master’s baby.”

“How the fuck would you give birth?” asked Ram.

“They’d have to cut the baby out,” said Gage.

Tobi cringed. “Let’s not picture that.”

Gage shook his head. “Too late.”

Finley gazed intently at Tobi, biting his own bottom lip. “Must be weird …. having people write that stuff about you.”

Tobi smiled and shrugged. “It’s a little strange. I don’t pay much attention to it. We were just looking for a laugh.”

“We should get going soon, if you still want to go play a few rounds of _Space Race_.” Gage stood up and stretched. “I have to be home by eight, so I can feed my little monsters.” He turned to Ram and pointed at him. “Don’t forget we have a chemistry test tomorrow. Remember the difference between endothermic and exothermic reactions. Endothermic involves the absorption of heat and exothermic is the release.” 

Despite being eighteen, Ram had yet to graduate, a year behind his peers, thanks to failing grade nine.

Finley crouched next to Mugi, scratching his side, and glanced up at Gage. “I can’t believe you’re still in high school.”

“I don’t mind,” said Gage. “It makes Nana happy. She wants me to be around people my own age.” In other words, Nana was worried some pervert twice Gage’s age would take advantage of him at a frat party. A sensible concern. “And it makes Ram happy. He needs someone to make sure he pays attention because he thinks world history is boring as shit compared to drawing blood-sucking aliens.”

“When’s your shift over?” Tobi asked Finley. “You should come play _Space Race_ with us, if you can.”

“Really? I finished a while ago. Wasn’t in any hurry to go home.”

 _Because you’re a fucking loser with no friends_. If a degenerate like Ram could make friends, there had to be something seriously wrong with Finley. There was no excuse for that shit. It was bad enough going to an arcade would involve sharing Tobi with a crowd of giggling girls and drooling boys. Now he had to deal with fucking _Finley_.

“Good!” Tobi looked genuinely delighted. “You deserve a break.”

“That would be amazing. Thank you so much.” Finley grinned warmly at Tobi. Tobi grinned back, flashing perfect, unnaturally white teeth.

Ram couldn’t breathe. Pressure filled his chest. His lungs burned. Couldn’t make it stop.

_This must be what drowning feels like._

He fought the urge to push Finley out of the treehouse. At times like this Ram hated everything and debated whether or not it was worthwhile to stick around. Everyone would be better off without him, except Father, who’d be fucked, forced to watch his lineage crash and burn, and that alone tempted him to swallow a bullet on exceptionally dark days. But the thought of tormenting Father as much as possible beforehand was enough to keep him going. For now, anyway.

With graduation approaching, he dreaded business school. _Nothing_ about business interested him and without Gage there to tutor him and force him to do his homework, it would only be a matter of time before they threw him out. What then? He’d still be given a ridiculous amount of responsibility, he’d just have no idea what the fuck he was doing, and be constantly surrounded by assholes in suits telling him how to run his company. Now _that_ was hell, as bad as anything he’d see in the afterlife.

“This will amuse you, Ram.” Gage adjusted his glasses. “Tobi’s sexy new bodyguard must protect him from a sadistic fan. Look at the cover.” He showed his phone to Ram. The image used for the story was taken by a celebrity photographer, showing Tobi and Ram standing outside a building – he couldn’t tell which.

“God damnit,” muttered Ram. “I do _not_ dress like a bodyguard.”

“Maybe that’s the point. To throw the sadistic fan off track,” said Gage.

“That’s the problem with being famous,” added Finley. “You attract all kinds of creeps.”


	37. [16.1] Tobi

Tobi moved the joystick and swerved his spaceship, narrowly avoiding an asteroid. Whoever decided it was a good idea to have a race in the middle of an asteroid belt was seriously sadistic. Out of all the courses in _Space Race_ , the _Belt of Ruin_ was his least favourite. Even being shot at by space pirates beat the panic and helplessness of being sandwiched between massive chunks of rock.

It didn’t help that Tobi always chose the hard way; the route with the most asteroids, the largest obstacles. It was a hellacious shortcut and the only chance he had of beating Ram and Gage. Ram was aggressive in his maneuvering and had the advantage of playing the game a lot, knowing what to expect. Gage flew ludicrously fast and only took calculated risks; he usually won.

Finley cheered them on from the sidelines, having been forced to drop out after the last race, where he’d accidently bumped into a void leviathan and spent most of the time being thrashed into space trash.

Tobi flew faster, mashing the red button, releasing a barrage of missiles and blowing up small bits of debris in his path. His heart thudded, the way it did during a brightball game, when his team was two points behind and there was only three minutes left to go. He missed playing. Contractual obligations usually forbade him from doing so, because the chance of getting injured was too high. Studios wouldn’t insure him. Didn’t want him showing up to work with a twisted ankle or a fucked up knee. It didn’t help that he’d grown six inches in the last two years, putting him at 6’4”, making it hard to properly execute elaborate moves on rollerblades. He’d never land a quadruple spin now. Not without wrecking something.

An incoming asteroid moved too quickly to avoid. Tobi bounced off and mourned the loss of his shields. It was only a matter of time before he died. Nothing left between him and the infinite vacuum of space but a defenseless spaceship hull.

A group of teenage girls walked by, staring at their phones, paying them no attention. To avoid being recognized, Tobi wore a rhinestone covered cap and dark sunglasses. His long hair, tucked up in a bun, was one less thing that might give him away. Not that he minded the attention, but with so little time to spend with his friends, he didn’t want to get stuck signing autographs and taking photos for hours. Ram would have a meltdown and pick fights. Better to avoid that scenario entirely.

The finish line appeared in the distance and for a moment Tobi thought he might make it. He’d finish the race in first place and have enough money to fully repair his shields for the next course. An asteroid shattered his fantasy, smashing into him from the side. Tobi’s ship exploded in a ball of light.

“That’s what you get for flying through that death trap,” said Gage.

“Damn. You were so close.” Finley squeezed Tobi’s shoulder. “Come on, I’ll buy you a drink to console you.”

They headed for a table.

“Motherfucker,” growled Ram. Tobi wasn’t sure if Ram was commenting on the game or insulting Finley. Both options were equally probable. 

Tobi sat at their usual table, tucked in a dark corner. There weren’t a lot of flashing lights or loud noises to bother Gage.

“What can I get you?’ asked Finley. “Gin and tonic? With lime, right?”

Tobi grinned. “You know me too well.”

“Be right back.” Finley went for the bar, which served alcohol to anyone over 16.

The arcade was unusually quiet. Tobi could see Gage and Ram from his table, still racing.

Finley returned quickly, setting Tobi’s drink down in front of him, retaining a glass of fizzy blue soda for himself.

“Thank you,” said Tobi. “You’re so sweet.”

“My pleasure.” Finley smiled warmly. He’d recently turned 24 and graduated from university with a degree in biology.

Despite being constantly horny, Tobi had no sexual or romantic interest in Finley. The guy was cute, but there was no spark between them. His feelings were purely platonic. He felt bad for Finley, whose parents died in a house fire when he was eight years old. Tobi couldn’t imagine how awful life without parents would be. At 17, he could legally move out, but chose to remain with Mom and Dad. Just until he turned 18. Then he’d go off on his own. But until then he wanted to enjoy them as much as possible.

They’d known each other around two years, for as long as Finley had been volunteering at the rehab. Over that time Finley had proven himself a real friend. He’d never asked Tobi for money, or expected expensive gifts, or begged him for another actor’s phone number. He didn’t care if they were photographed together or throw a fit when Tobi was too busy or tired to talk. The only person who didn’t like Finley was Ram. No surprise there. Ram didn’t like anyone who smiled at Tobi, with few exceptions.

Finley stared down at his drink and mixed it with a paper straw. “I feel bad. I’m going to have to cut back on my hours at the rehab. I got accepted into med school and I’m afraid I’m not gonna have a lot of free time. I haven’t told Gage yet.”

“That’s amazing!” Tobi sipped his gin and tonic, delighted for his friend. “Don’t feel bad. Gage will manage. Last time I checked, he had a wait list for volunteers. It’s a shame you won’t have much spare time. I guess you’ll have to study a lot, huh?”

“Yeah.” Finley frowned. “Not looking forward to that. I have a hard time remembering things sometimes. Have to go over stuff a lot before it sinks in.”

“Same. I’m jealous of actors who can read a ton of dialogue and remember all their lines. I have to practice over and over, until it’s almost like muscle memory, part of me.” Having to memorize everything required to be a doctor would be horrible. So much work. “Did you decide what kind of medicine you want to specialise in?”

“I’m thinking pathology … Dead people complain a lot less than live ones.”

Tobi laughed. “That’s true. And you never have to deal with telling someone their grandmother is dead.”

“Oh, God, yeah.” Finley took a sip of his drink, then stood up. “Gotta take a shit.” He turned and headed for the bathroom.

Tobi wasn’t alone for long. Gage sat down beside him, taking his drink, swallowing a mouthful.

“Well, who won?” asked Tobi.

“I did. Ram tried to take a shortcut and got sucked into a tiny black hole.”

Tobi knew exactly where he meant, the final stretch of _Veridian Galaxy_. “I hate that fucking hole. Did he go off to sulk somewhere?”

Gage shrugged and leaned against him. “I don’t know.”

Several minutes later, Finley returned, bleeding from a small wound on his forehead. He held a blood-soaked paper towel in place, trying to stop the bleeding.

Tobi stood up, alarmed. “Shit, what happened?”

“I stepped out of the bathroom stall … next thing you know, _wham_. Didn’t even see who hit me. I went down and they took off.”

Gage got up to take a closer look. “Do you feel dizzy at all?”

“No, no. Don’t fuss! It looks worse than it is. The forehead bleeds a lot because the blood vessels are close to the surface of the skin.” 

“You didn’t see who did it?” asked Tobi, a chill spreading through his body.

Finley shook his head. “No.”

Ram joined them before long, smelling like cigarette smoke. He stared at Finley, running a hand through his own dark hair. “What the hell happened to you?”

Tobi took a calming breath and glared furiously at Ram. “You’re unbelievable.”

“What did I do now?” The perplexed look on Ram’s face was almost convincing, but the sudden pallor of his skin gave him away.

“Some asshole thumped Finley and ran off like a fucking coward,” said Tobi.

Ram looked Finley over appraisingly. “If I’d hit him, he’d be bleeding a lot more than that.”

“Why do you always do this?” Frustration crept into Tobi’s voice and he started to tremble with rage, struggling to maintain a false peace, trying not to show how fucking furious he was.

Finley bit down on his bottom lip and he stared at the floor. “You guys, this is crazy … I don’t think it was Ram. He’s not the kind of guy who runs from a fight.”

Normally Tobi would agree, but the torn skin on Ram’s knuckles dictated differently. “How’d you hurt your hand?”

Ram opened his mouth, then closed it without saying anything, averting his ochre eyes.

This wasn’t the place to make a scene, but Tobi needed to express the degree of his frustration. This shit had been going on far too long. “If you can’t keep your temper under control, I don’t want to be around you anymore. You’re like a fucking tornado. All you do is create chaos and destroy things. God help anyone who gets in your way.”

Gage winced. “Tobi doesn’t mean that. He’s just angry.”

“The hell I don’t!” The words came out louder than intended and the occupants of a nearby table stared in his direction.

Gage took his hand firmly. “Okay, you’re attracting attention. Don’t do this here. Let’s go. I’ll take you home.”

Ram clenched his fists at his sides and stalked off.

Gage tugged Tobi towards the exit.

Tobi felt awful, leaving Finley in such a state. “Sorry about all this, Fin. I’ll talk to you later, okay? Are you sure you’re all right?”

“Go, go. Don’t worry about me.” 

Gage didn’t let go of Tobi until they reached the car. Even then, it was only long enough for Gage to unlock the back door and order Tobi to get in. Tobi did as instructed and Gage crawled in after him. Tinted windows prevented anyone from seeing inside the vehicle. Gage wasted no time throwing his arms around Tobi, hugging him tightly.

“Fucking hell.” Tobi leaned into him, frustrated to the point of tears.

Gage rubbed Tobi’s back and sighed heavily. “Ram’s like my dog, Dezmodeus. I love him and wish I could take him everywhere, but I’m afraid he’s going to bite someone.”

“I’m afraid Ram’s going to _kill_ someone. He could’ve seriously hurt Finley … It would be my fault.” Tobi swiped at his eyes in annoyance, trying to calm down. He didn’t want to upset Gage. Didn’t want to look weak or unable to control his emotions. As an actor, he was always disgusted with himself when he couldn’t act his way out of a situation. He felt pathetic, like a firefighter being unable to put out a fire.

“Nothing Ram does is your fault.” Gage pressed their foreheads together. “He’s responsible for his own actions, okay?”

Tobi closed his eyes, focusing on how damn good Gage smelled. It wasn’t cologne, or anything that came in a bottle, just natural pheromones. “That’s not going to make it any easier when he loses it and snaps some poor guy’s spine for flirting with me.”

“Don’t give up on Ram. Without us, he has nothing.” Gage caressed the back of Tobi’s neck, fingers cool against his bare skin.

Tobi shuddered and rested his head on Gage’s shoulder. “I know. But I’m serious. He can’t keep doing this.”

“I’ll talk to him. See if he’d be willing to take an anger management class or something.”

“Good luck with that.”

They sat in silence for a while, holding each other, burying their emotions.

Gage eventually gave him a firm squeeze and crawled into the driver’s seat. “Want to stop anywhere on the way home? Are you hungry?”

“No, I’ve lost my appetite.” Tobi took a seat on the passenger’s side and gazed out the window. Ram had already sped off, but Finley’s truck was still there.

“Okay.” Gage started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

Tobi took out his phone and texted Finley.

_[Tobi] 7:12. Sorry again! Ram’s out of control._

_[Fin] 7:13. Really not a big deal. Bleeding already stopped. No stitches required. I don’t blame Ram. I get it. He feels like I’m invading his territory or something._

_[Tobi] 7:13. Next time, we’ll hang out without him._

_[Fin] 7:14. Sounds good._

Tobi stared out the window, watching the city lights go by. “Every time I think Ram’s getting better, he manages to prove me wrong.”

“He’s trying. I know it’s not obvious, but … He’s trying. He wants to behave. He doesn’t like when you yell at him.”

“Well, he needs to try a little fucking harder. If he can’t do that, then …”

“I’ll make sure he understands,” said Gage. “He’s averse to therapy, but maybe knowing he might lose you will be enough to motivate him.”

“Doubt it,” muttered Tobi. There was no way Ram liked him enough to ignore his overwhelming hatred of discussing his feelings with a professional, but only time would tell.


	38. [17.1] Ram

Ram sat on the couch in his ammo shed and guzzled the rest of his beer. He cracked open another one, drinking deeply. He wanted to forget the last week had happened. Wipe the memories from his mind. There’d be no more obsessing over getting into trouble for something he didn’t do. _Stupid fucking Finley_. At least Ram didn’t think he did it. There were moments where he doubted his recollection of events, given how badly he wanted to punch Finley, and he _did_ hurt his hand, but Ram was 90% positive he’d given the bathroom wall a beating, not Finley.

Someone else obviously thought the guy was as annoying as Ram did. Or … There was one other possibility, which Ram dismissed as paranoid and irrational, but he couldn’t shake the suspicion the injury was self-inflicted. It was admittedly a stretch, even for a weirdo like Finley. He’d made the mistake of sharing this theory with Gage, who scolded him for being paranoid and irrational.

He’d failed his stupid chemistry test. He’d known most of the answers, but couldn’t focus on the questions. His mind fixated on the reprimand he’d received the day before, playing it in a constant loop. _You’re like a fucking tornado_. Accurate, but rude.

He hated fighting with Tobi. Hadn’t spoken to him since the incident at the arcade. Ram didn’t know what he could do to fix things, other than tell the truth, but doubted Tobi would believe him. No one would believe him. Not when he had a history of doing exactly what he’d been accused of. No, it was better to let Tobi calm down and try to appeal for forgiveness. Tobi didn’t usually stay angry at him for long.

Earlier, he’d tried to fill out an application for business school, and found himself unable to do so. His body turned cold and his heart beat so damn fast he was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. He could barely breathe. Hopefully he wasn’t getting sick. Or on the brink of heart failure. That was the last thing he needed. 

Ram got up, taking his beer with him, and sat in front of his computer. He’d made a number of additions to the ammo shed over the years and now spent most of his time in there, either playing video games or doing shit on his computer. The recent addition of a fridge and a freezer full of alcoholic ice pops made the space even more appealing. Another helpful addition was a small bathroom, ensuring he’d never have to leave, as long as someone kept feeding him and bringing more booze.

Ram logged onto _Tastes Like Pork_ to see what everyone was up to. Last he’d heard, _FreshPeaks_ was recovering from knee surgery after a mountain climbing accident, and _Wildman64_ was expecting his twelfth grandchild. He’d blocked all the idiots and no longer had to suffer through the likes of SoulDestroyer whining about how they couldn’t talk their boyfriend into pretending to be dead.

He browsed through the list of recently posted topics.

_Does this lamp look like an antique?_

_Trying to remember the name of an old cartoon show!_

_TOBI HAINES APPRECIATION THREAD_

Ram knew better than to click the link. The responses would just upset him. Make him jealous and hyperaware of the fact Tobi currently hated him. Fueled by innate masochism, he pulled up the thread and read some of the posts.

_[ I didn’t realise Tobi knows how to do all those fancy brightball moves. Thought it was a stunt double and special effects! - Cormoranth ]_

_[ He learned to play the piano for his role as Aegis, too. Talented guy. – FataleIntense ]_

_[ What’s he doing next? – Darkblade ]_

_[ A war movie, I think. Based on the book_ Flicker in the Wild _. – JonasKobiasSucks ]_

_[ OH GOD I’M ALREADY CRYING. – Wormfood ]_

_[ This user (SoulDestroyer) has been blocked. Click here to view post. ]_

Ram scowled. Of course, that relentless pile of shit had to be a Tobi fan. The universe was a cruel bitch. He looked at the security monitor, to the right of his computer, watching the video feed for the blue-banded crested ground squirrel. The animal hadn’t moved since the last time he’d looked at it, hours ago. It worried him. 

He finished his beer and went outside. The weather was unseasonably warm, good enough for shorts and a t-shirt during a time when they usually had snow. The sun warmed his back as he walked to the gardener’s shed. He grabbed a shovel and returned to the entrance to the squirrel’s den, clearing out dirt so he could get at it. It occurred to him that the animal might be asleep and react poorly to being disturbed, but a face full of poisonous quills sounded like the perfect way to conclude the week from hell. _Fuck it_.

It wasn’t long before the smell hit him. It reminded him of Emperor, his father’s old cat, who’d crawled under a couch to die. Eventually, he was able to get the shovel in far enough to hook the creature and pull it out. He stared at the dead, bloated body and took out his phone, taking a picture.

He sent the picture to Gage, along with a note.

_[Ram] 4:10. What do I do with this thing??_

_[Gage] 4:11. I’ll be right over._

_[Ram] 4:11. at the ammo shed._

Ram grabbed another beer and sat upwind from the animal, contemplating the reason for its demise. Maybe it was sick, or old. It didn’t look like it had been attacked. He wasn’t sure what the procedure was, being an endangered species and all. Maybe knowing how the animal died would be helpful. Surely some nerd kept track of that shit. Didn’t seem right to bury it.

Gage arrived quickly. He removed his backpack and dug through its contents, putting on a pair of surgical gloves.

“Straight to business, huh?” said Ram. “I can’t tell what killed it.”

Gage examined the creature intently, as if memorizing every detail. “I don’t see any external signs of injury or disease.” Gage pulled off his gloves and tossed them in a nearby trashcan. “I’ll take it to the rehab and have Anton do an autopsy, then I’ll commission a taxidermist. I know a good one. Erica Rowly. She’ll do something interesting for you, like have it wearing plate armour with little lasers mounted on it. She gets animals from the rehab when they pass on. She’s very talented. She took a giant golden python that died from septicemia and wrapped it around a dead frost tiger, making it look like they were fighting. She won the Taxidermist of the Year award for that.”

“I don’t deserve you.” Ram didn’t know what else to say.

“Yes, you do.”

“Stay for a drink?”

“Okay.”

Ram picked up the oversized squirrel with the shovel and carried it into the ammo shed. They wrapped it in a towel and placed it in the freezer. Ram booted up his SyCube. For over two hours they played games and put a dent in his alcohol supply.

Gage got up to stretch his legs and wandered around the shed. He stopped in front of Ram’s computer, staring at the screen. “What’s this?”

Ram realized he’d left the website up and panicked about how Gage might react. Well, no going back now. “It’s a cannibal fantasy forum.”

“I see. And people are talking about Tobi?”

“They talk about everything. Yesterday there was a debate over whether or not people should let their cats outside.”

“Domestic cats should never be allowed outside, unless they’re farm cats,” said Gage. “They’re vulnerable to predation _and_ murderous little beasts that put a significant dent in songbird populations. Why’d you block that SoulDestroyer person?”

“He’s a wankgoblin,” grumbled Ram. “Always complaining about shit and going on about how badly he wants to fuck a dead person. I can’t stand it.” _Click here to view post_. ”I’ll show you.” Ram clicked the link and his heart sped up. He found it harder to catch his breath.

_I love watching him._

_Wonder if he’d play dead for me?_

“See! It’s disgusting.” Intent on tormenting himself further, Ram went to SoulDestroyer’s profile and clicked the forbidden button. _Unblock user_. He wanted to see what else the creep had posted lately. Maybe there’d be something entertaining.

Gage pointed to the “favourite quote” section of SoulDestroyer’s profile. _“Eyes most perfected are eyes that have yet to see.” – Purnikus_

“Finley likes that quote.” Gage rocked on his heels and sipped his beer. “He put it up in nursery.”

“ _Finley?”_ Ram stared at Gage in disbelief. He scrolled down to the “recent posts” section of SoulDestroyer’s profile and clicked the top one. _The Perfect Soul_.

_He’s the only thing that makes me feel alive. I want him to be part of me forever. The people of Boutin eat their dead because they believe the spirit of the deceased enters their bodies, becoming one._

_I want his soul._

_I can’t stop thinking about it._

_I want to slit his throat with a hunting knife. I want him to choke and struggle and drown. I want the sheets drenched in blood. Purification by pain. I can’t wait for his naked body to get cold. I wonder how it will feel from the inside. How it will taste._

_I’m going to consume every inch of him. He’s so full of light, it will be like devouring an angel. I doubt God will forgive me._

Ram swallowed a lump in his throat and his hands grew cold. He clicked on another post. _Zoo Travesty._

_The zoo in the capital is an outrage. I’ve never seen so many unhappy animals in my life!!! All their water bear does is pace back and forth in her enclosure. That’s not what a healthy bear does. I’ve spent enough time working them to know._

Ram forced himself to exhale slowly. “I want to say something, but I’m afraid you’re going to call me paranoid and irrational again.”

“The hell I am,” proclaimed Gage. “I wonder if Tobi knows about this …” He took out his phone and dialed Tobi’s number, frowning. “Straight to voicemail … His phone is turned off.” He made an exasperated sound and waited for the message prompt. “Hey, Tobes. Call me when you get the chance. Bye.”

“Worth a try.”

“I’ll see if his mom knows where he is.” Gage dialed another number. “Hello, Mrs. Haines. How are you?”

“Good, good. I’m fine, thank you. I’m looking for Tobi and he’s not answering his phone. Any idea where he is?”

“Oh. Yeah, that does sound like something he would do. Okay. Thank you. Sorry for disturbing you. Have a good night.” Gage hung up the phone, shoulders sagging. “He left earlier. His mom doesn’t know where he went. Suspects he’s with the cute waiter who served them breakfast.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” Ram took another calming breath. He couldn’t afford to overreact. It was, after all, a fantasy forum. People wrote all kinds of shit. It didn’t mean anything. I want his soul. Finley could be referring to anyone.

Ram called Efreet, not because it was a good idea, but because he could. “Ef. You can track a phone that’s turned off, can’t you?”

“That’s impossible.” There was a few seconds of silence, followed by a cackle. “Nah, I’m just fucking with you. Who are you trying to track?”

“Tobi Haines. It’s probably nothing, but I wanna make sure he’s okay.”

“Hang on.”

In less than a minute Ram received an image on his phone, a map showing the exact coordinates of Tobi’s phone.

Gage stared at the map. “That’s Finley’s house.”

Ram put the phone back to his ear. “There’s a small chance you might be hearing from me later.”

“Looking forward to it.”


	39. [18.1] Tobi

Tobi sat on Finley’s porch swing, enjoying the sunshine. On days like this it seemed hard to believe anything could go wrong, creating the illusion of the world as a place of inherent goodness, filling him with optimism and hope. Didn’t hurt that Finley kept bringing him drink after drink and he’d reached the point of being comfortably buzzed over an hour ago.

This was exactly what he needed. Finley’s house reminded him of being at the lake, off in a forested area in the middle of nowhere. The only thing he could hear was birds singing and wind flowing through the trees, stripping them of their remaining leaves. He couldn’t believe how warm it was. It felt unnatural, but warm days in early winter weren’t unheard of.

He wondered what time it was, but decided he didn’t care. He couldn’t check his phone for the time, because he’d turned it off earlier, craving peace. Only for a few hours.

“Thanks again for inviting me over,” said Tobi. He’d been determined not to go home without getting his dick sucked, but Finley called before he reached the restaurant and derailed his pursuit of the statuesque young man who’d served him breakfast. “Nice to relax for a while.”

Finley grinned widely, showing his teeth. A small bit of gold jewellery on the tooth behind Finley’s canine flashed in the sun—a tiny gold scorpion Finley’s dentist had talked him into getting months ago. Tobi rarely noticed it. “I’m delighted you’re here.”

They hadn’t spent much time alone. Usually Gage and Ram were around. Ram hated hanging out with Finley, but he hated being left out more.

Tobi wanted to invite Finley to his upcoming birthday, but hadn’t said anything yet. He was still undecided on whether or not he was going to invite Ram and didn’t want both Ram and Finley there. Part of him still hoped the two would sort out their difference and learn to get along, but he could only ignore reality for so long.

“Your head healed up nicely,” said Tobi. The wound on Finley’s forehead was barely visible – a thin, pale scar.

“I’m lucky. Could have been a lot worse. Have you talked to Ram lately?”

“No. Gage is going to try and talk him into getting some form of therapy.” Normally, Tobi doubted Ram’s willingness to subject himself to such a thing, but today, with the sun beating on his face and a decent amount of alcohol in his system, he felt unusually hopeful. “We’ll see how that goes.”

“He seems a little obsessed,” said Finley. “He acts like he’s in love with you.”

“Ram’s straight.” Ram didn’t want anyone knowing the truth. As far as Tobi was aware, the only people who knew different was him and Gage. “He’s just terrible at sharing. A fellow spoiled, only child.”

Finley nodded. “I get it … being possessive of someone … wishing you could be with them always.”

“That’s sweet.” Tobi smiled at Finley, grateful for his lack of attraction. Getting involved would be a bad idea. Even in a cloud of optimism, that much was clear. A relationship would never work. Not because Finley wasn’t a great guy, but because it _always_ ended badly when Tobi genuinely liked someone. They’d have sex and everything that followed would get weird. Tobi would want space. Finley would take it personally. They always did. The age difference didn’t help. Some people took issue with that kind of thing. Not that Tobi gave a shit about potential criticism, but Finley might feel differently, considering he’d be the one with an inbox full of angry emails from people accusing him of being a predator.

Tobi finished his drink and sighed contently.

“Let me get you another drink.” Finley took his empty glass and got up and disappeared into the house.

Tobi stared off into the forest, rocking slowly on the swing, humming softly to himself.

Finley returned and handed over a fresh concoction. Tobi took a drink, nearly choking on the fiery fluid. “God, that’s strong.”

“It’s made with fermented rice. The guy who lives down the road from here makes it in his garage. I like to drink it when there’s something I want to forget.”

Tobi took another drink, draining most of the glass, and shuddered pleasantly. “Wanna go for a walk?” he asked, craving some form of exercise. 

Finley stared at him and Tobi fought to classify his expression. Amused? Surprised?

Tobi stood up, only for his legs to give out on him, bringing him crashing to the porch. He laughed and tried to stand up, but found himself unable to do so. Everything spun around him in a whirlwind haze and he fought the urge to close his eyes. The desire to sleep overwhelmed him.

“It’s all right,” said Finley, crouching beside him, running his fingers through his hair. “Go to sleep. I’ll take care of everything. We’ll be together forever.”


	40. [19.1] Gage

Plan A was simple. Even in an inebriated state, Gage understood clearly. The last time he’d spoken to Finley, Finley claimed to be sick; said he was taking some time off. This provided the perfect cover, in the form of bringing beer soup with freshly baked bread from Baschia’ Deli. Guaranteed to make anyone feel better. He’d tried calling Finley to let him know he was coming, but it went straight to voicemail. 

Step 1) Get Finley to open the door. Gage would pretend to hand over the food, then zap him a stun gun. Pretending to hand over the soup was an important detail. Shocking someone holding a scalding container of soup was a bad idea.

Step 2) Ram would restrain Finley while Gage found Tobi.

Step 3) Take Tobi without further conflict. They’d make it clear Finley wasn’t allowed any contact with him. The threat was too great. Both Gage and Ram agreed on that.

Gage felt bad for doubting Ram’s suspicions. Finley seemed nice. A little odd, but nothing wrong with that. It was hard to believe the guy who stayed up all night bottle feeding baby badgers would give himself head trauma to alienate Ram and manipulate Tobi, but here they were. Finley would no longer be welcome to volunteer at the rehab, which saddened Gage, because Finley was a good worker, and Mugi really liked him, which proved Mugi liked _everyone_.

Plan B got more complicated. If Gage didn’t get the chance to stun Finley, or Finley refused to answer the door, they’d “leave”, and get Ram’s driver to park a short distance away, far enough that the car was no longer visible from the house. Then they’d sneak back on foot and find a way inside. They hadn’t worked out the details beyond that, but their objective remained the same. Restrain Finley. Find Tobi.

They had only one rule, as per Ram’s insistence. _Don’t make accusations_. _Don’t say anything about Tobi being at the house_. According to Ram, when you showed up at someone’s house and accused them of being a creep, bad things happened. Finley couldn’t know what they were up to. He might freak out; take Tobi hostage.

Gage expected confronting a cannibalistic necrophiliac to be more stressful, but felt strangely at ease. He’d never had this much to drink before. The alcohol muffled everything, making it less loud, less bright. He’d normally be tense with anticipation, hating not knowing exactly what was going to happen, hating being off schedule, but it didn’t bother him as much, and pretending not to care came easily.

The car pulled into Finley’s driveway and Gage got out, taking the soup with him. He wavered briefly, but caught his balance.

Ram waited beside the car and lit a cigarette. Finley’s house looked at least a hundred years old, made of wood. White curtains billowed from an open window and Gage knocked on the door. No answer. He knocked again, louder this time. Gage waited. He was ready to knock again when the door opened a crack and Finley peered out. He looked extremely annoyed, which Gage pretended not to notice. “Finley! You’re home. I wasn’t sure. You didn’t answer your phone. I brought you some soup. Nana brings me soup when I’m sick.”

Finley hacked into his hand, hiding behind the door. Gage could barely see inside. “Thanks, boss. Just leave it there, if you don’t mind. Think I picked up something nasty. Don’t wanna infect you.”

“Appreciate that.” So much for Plan A. The gap in the door wasn’t wide enough for him to slip the stun gun through, and he wasn’t strong enough to force it open. Gage tried to think of an excuse to get inside. Something. Anything. “Mind if I use your bathroom before I go?”

“There’s a public bathroom up the road. Sorry. _Really_ don’t want you getting sick. Thanks for stopping by.”

Finley closed the door.

Gage turned to Ram, exasperated. He marched back to the car and they drove a short distance before stopping.

“You should stay here,” said Ram. “Might be dangerous. I’ll go by myself.”

“No way.” Gage opened the door and stepped outside, eager to get on with things. He had an inexplicable craving for a cheeseburger and wanted to hurry the hell up and get this nightmare over with. “You’re not going alone. Come on. There’s an open window by the front door.”

They trekked through the woods, drawn to the light of the house like insects. Ram crawled through the window first, with Gage close behind. They found themselves in the kitchen, the room dimly illuminated by a light over the stove. Gage stubbed his toe on a chair leg and stumbled, knocking over a small round table holding a large vase. He grasped for the vase as it fell, but it slipped through his fingers, smashing into the tile floor, scattering pieces of broken pottery.

Gage froze, listening. He held his breath for a long time, hearing nothing. The silence frightened him, because it meant Finley could be anywhere. The house was open and mostly dark. There was just enough evening light remaining to cast dwindling shadows.

Ram made a muffled noise of amusement and slid an arm around him. “This is so stupid,” whispered Ram, pressing against him. “What if they’re doing some kinky roleplay shit? I don’t wanna see that.”

Heat pooled at the base of Gage’s spine and he leaned into Ram, wanting him closer. Gage _hoped_ Tobi would never agree to playing dead for someone, but it wasn’t beyond the realm of possibility. Tobi had an adventurous spirit and a kind heart.

Gage wanted to think there was a rational explanation for everything. That they were drunk and overreacting and scaring the shit out of poor, sick Finley. “What if Tobi’s not here? Maybe he forgot his phone. He does that sometimes.”

“… I hope Finley’s not really sick. I swear to God, if we catch some kind of – ”

The shot rang out from across the room, filling Gage’s head with a high-pitched ringing. The bullet struck the window behind the sink, to the right of Ram, leaving a hole in glass; the glass cracked, branching off in jagged spiderwebs.

Ram threw himself on top of Gage and pulled him down behind the kitchen island. “Okay, he’s officially a fucking psychopath. Stay here.” Ram removed his own stun gun from the holster. “Gonna fry his ass.” Gage peeked around the corner of the island and watched Ram bolt behind the couch, hiding as Finley fired again. The bullet tore a hole in the cushion, sending upholstery stuffing flying.

Gage suspected Finley was passed the point of being amenable to reason, but figured it couldn’t hurt to try. “Finley, stop! No one has to get hurt. Put down the gun.”

Finley responded with a flash of light and the roar of gunfire. A bullet hit the counter to his left.

Ram charged again and dove beneath a table, scrambling out the other side. He tackled Finley and knocked the gun out of his hand. Ram zapped Finley with the stun gun, but it had no affect, insulated by Finley’s thick cloak. Ram looked surprised by the lack of response and Finley took advantage of the lull, flashing a long, sharp knife.

Disobeying instructions, Gage went for the gun – a modern pistol.

Finley swung the knife wildly, slashing at Ram.

Gage aimed the gun and pulled the trigger. The scent of gunpowder flooded his nose and the noise rattled him, filling his head with incandescent noise. He _never_ fired a gun without protective headgear, but as Nana was fond of saying, sometimes people need to make an exception. He’d also ignored Instructor Hyacinth’s advice, in the interest of dropping Finley faster. _Aim for the chest, not the head. It’s a bigger target_.

Finley collapsed.

Gage activated the safety and set the gun down on the coffee table.

Ram kicked the body, hard. Kicked him again and again. Gage grabbed him by the hand and squeezed it until he stopped.

“Let’s find Tobi,” said Gage. They didn’t have to go far. A band of light emerged from a partially closed door at the end of the hall. They entered to find Tobi lying face-up on a bed, wearing what looked like a white silk dress, and a crown of fresh flowers, blue swamp orchids decorated with tiny deer antlers. If it hadn’t been for the rosy glow on his cheeks, Gage would have assumed he was dead.

They raced to the bed. Gage grabbed Tobi’s wrist and checked his pulse. “He looks so peaceful,” he murmured, heart swelling with tenderness. He tried not to cry, unable to identify the reason for the sudden surge in emotion – relief? Gratitude? Excessive alcohol consumption?

“Is he okay?” asked Ram, voice barely above a whisper.

Gage continued monitoring Tobi’s pulse and determined his heart rate was within normal range, albeit somewhat on the low side, indicating Tobi was asleep. Deeply asleep. The sound of war being waged around him had gone unnoticed. “He’s sleeping. Finley must have drugged him.”

Gage looked Tobi over quickly, searching for any indication of injury, from Tobi’s exposed chest to bare toes. He saw no sign of violence. No blood. Tobi smelled strongly of alcohol. Gage wouldn’t be the only one waking up with a hangover. “We’ll keep an eye on him. He should be fine. Shouldn’t be lying on his back, though. Let’s get him in the car and put him on his side, in case he throws up. We don’t want him choking on his own vomit.”

“Don’t need that,” murmured Ram. He took out his phone and called his driver. “We found our friend. He’s really drunk. Passed out. You can come back to the house and pick us up. Thanks.”

Gage searched for Tobi’s phone, locating it along with Tobi’s wallet on Finley’s nightstand. “I don’t see his clothes.”

Ram snorted softly. “He’ll have to live with looking like a sacrificial maiden.”

Gage waited for it to hit him—the crushing awareness that he’d _shot_ someone, and shooting people had consequences, but he found himself impervious to the weight. Tobi was safe. Ram was safe. That was all that mattered.

“Gage.” He turned to look at Ram, meeting his gaze. “Don’t worry about anything, all right? I know a guy … He’ll take care of this. We won’t have to deal with any cops. We can pretend like nothing happened.”

“Pretend like nothing happened …” Unconventional, but probably for the best. Tobi didn’t need the media hounding him more than they already did, and a murder trial would interfere with Gage’s schedule. A trial wouldn’t accomplish anything, anyway. Justice had already been delivered.

Ram scooped up Tobi and carried him outside. “Yeah. It’s for the best.”

Gage trailed close behind him, stopping to grab the soup. He’d have it for lunch tomorrow. Right now, he craved something meatier, buried in bacon ,and cheese, and onion rings. “Let’s go to my house. Nana will make us pancakes in the morning. We can stop on the way home and get burgers, and milkshakes, and those little crispy potatoes with the cheddar cheese dip, and _I’m so hungry._ ”

“Hell, yes. Whatever you want.”

Ram’s driver pulled up and they put Tobi in the car, making sure he laid sideways. Gage and Ram got in with him.

The absence of any pain in Gage’s chest unnerved him. He’d grown so accustomed to the tension and discomfort that without it he felt strangely hollow, anticipating the moment it would all come flooding back.

“Sorry I doubted you,” said Gage. “I should have been more attentive when you said you suspected Finley of hurting himself. I was a bad listener.”

“It’s not your fault. I kinda doubted me, too. Thought I was overreacting.” Ram stared down at Tobi, frowning softly. “I hope Finley didn’t traumatize him too much. Guess we’ll find out in the morning.”

Gage leaned against Ram, stomach growling. “I hope so, too.”


	41. [19.2]

Barking erupted in the hall outside Gage’s door.

“Quiet, Dezi!” Nana. “Let those boys sleep.”

More barking.

“They’re not ignoring you. Relax.”

Dezmodeus howled.

“Come here, you little monster.”

The noise stopped, but the damage was already done. Gage laid awake in the darkness, quickly realizing he wasn’t alone. He switched on a lamp, keeping the light dim, and surveyed the room. The clock read 11:11 AM. Tobi slept beside him, hair in his face, naked from the waist up. Ram laid next to him, wearing a tank top.

The room spun. Gage’s stomach churned. A wave of heat hit him, accompanied by a surge of nausea. He bolted for the bathroom and reached the toilet just in time. After several minutes of purging the contents of his stomach, Gage brushed his teeth and swallowed several anti-nausea tablets. He sat in the shower, warm water beating on him, until he felt well enough to stand.

He had no idea how much he’d had to drink, but it must have been a lot. Enough to wipe out his memory of the evening’s events. He recalled getting a text from Ram about the blue-banded crested ground squirrel, but nothing more.

Gage turned off the water and dried himself, walking back into the bedroom with a towel around his waist.

Tobi sat up slightly, reaching for him. “Gigi.”

Gage crawled onto the bed beside Tobi and hugged him.

Tobi pressed against him, arms around his neck, and laughed softly. “God, I think I’m still drunk. My brain feels like cardboard.”

Gage rubbed Tobi’s back, hoping Tobi had taken the day off and didn’t have to be in six different places before dinner. “Mine, too. Can’t remember anything after Ram’s house.”

“Was I at Ram’s house?” asked Tobi. “I left home, looking for Sexy Waffle Guy …” He rubbed his temples and shook his head slowly. “ _No_ idea what happened. How much did I drink?”

“A lot,” muttered Ram, flopping over to face them.

“Why’d we leave your house?” asked Gage. The void in his memory bothered him. He wasn’t used to forgetting things, especially _hours_ of time. Gone. He made a mental note to refrain from drinking excessively in the future. If he wanted to get fucked up, there were plenty of other ways of doing so, which didn’t involve blacking out and being violently ill.

“You really don’t remember?” asked Ram, staring at him intently.

“No.” Gage looked away, feeling slightly overwhelmed. “Do you?”

Ram took a moment to respond, as if searching his memory. “No.”

Tobi kicked the covers off and stretched. He wore small white shorts, laced down the middle with thin silver cords, tied together in a bow.

Gage looked away, cheeks burning.

“Did we go shopping?” asked Tobi.

“Must have,” said Ram.

“This underwear is amazing. Feel how soft it is.”

Gage ran a hand across Tobi’s hip, surprised by the smoothness of the warm fabric. Heat radiated from his cheeks and pooled in his groin. “Soft.”

He had dreams about Tobi that started like this. Seemed innocent enough. Next thing, he’d wake up stick and confused, with a horrible pain in his chest—the kind he got when Tobi went away for months, and Gage tried not to think about him, because it hurt too much.

“Shit, it’s late.” Tobi pulled away hastily and got up. “I have to do a radio show this afternoon.” He looked around the room, rubbing the back of his neck. “Where’s my clothes?”

“Is that yours?” asked Gage, pointing to a pile of fabric on the floor.

Tobi picked up the garment and put it on – a white silk dress with large flared sleeves. He closed it with a ribbon around the waist. It fit him perfectly, as if made for him. Silver thread wove through the fabric, accenting parts of the dress with intricate lace-like designs. Silver sequins sewn into tiny flowers decorated the hem and sleeves, accented with perfectly round white pearls. “Who designed this?” He took the dress off and searched for any sign of identification. “No labels. Weird. The flowers must have taken forever to make.”

Tobi disappeared into the bathroom and Gage slipped off the bed. He dropped his towel and slid on a pair of pajama pants. He’d already fucked up his schedule. Might as well skip the whole getting dressed thing. He didn’t have to go anywhere.

Ram rolled himself up in the blankets, forming a tight cocoon.

“Hey,” protested Gage. “Wrap me up, too.”

Ram unspooled himself and Gage laid next to him. Ram held on to him tightly and rolled over, wrapping them both up. Ram hugged Gage from behind, murmuring in his ear. “Tobi’s gonna take forever. Might as well go back to sleep.”

Gage relaxed, soothed by the pressure of the blankets and the restrictive heat of Ram’s arms. He doubted his ability to go back to sleep, but didn’t mind relaxing for a while, just breathing.

“You sure you’re all right?” asked Ram.

“I’m hungover, cranky, and regretting my life choices, but I’m okay. Thanks for asking. Are you okay?”

“Tired,” murmured Ram.

Gage shut up and let Ram go back to sleep. He took slow, deep breaths, enjoying having Ram so close. Ram was more comfortable away from home. More affectionate. Less concerned someone might be watching. 

Gage closed his eyes and tried to conjure some memory of the night before. Anything. Finding nothing.

Tobi eventually emerged from the bathroom, wearing the dress, his hair freshly washed and pulled up in a high ponytail. He stopped, staring at Gage and Ram, and grinned widely. “You two look so cute.”

Ram made a series of incomprehensible noises. “Are you seriously going out like that?”

“Why not?” asked Tobi. “It’s beautiful.”

“You look lovely,” said Gage. “Don’t listen to Ram. He doesn’t understand attributing gendered characteristics to clothing is archaic and extremely ignorant of cultures around the world where clothes similar to the skirt, or dress, aren’t regarded as inherently feminine or exclusive to women.”

“You’re such a bitch,” grumbled Ram, gently biting Gage’s shoulder. Not hard. Just hard enough to make him kick and squirm. Too warm. Too warm.

“Unroll me,” said Gage, kicking harder, laughing.

He managed to escape the cocoon and crawled off the bed, exiting the room, searching for Nana. He found her in the kitchen and walked up to her, hugging her.

“Good morning, sweetheart,” said Nana. “Or should I say afternoon? Sorry if Dezi woke you. He was a pain in the butt this morning.”

Dezmodeus growled and Gage turned to face him.

Nana laughed. “He’s not used to you staying in bed so late.”

Gage dropped to his knees in front of the dog, staring at him. The urge to avert his gaze kicked in, but Gage reminding himself direct eye contact was helpful in establishing dominance over delinquent dogs. “Dezmodeus. What’s your problem, huh?” He reached out slowly and scratched the dog beneath the chin. “Bet you wanted to sleep in my bed last night. But you couldn’t, could you? No. Too many people. Had to kick you out. Sorry if I hurt your feelings.”

Dezi flopped on his side, tongue protruding. He turned on his back and dangled his legs in the air, which Gage recognized as a sign of submission, not the desire for belly rubs. He patted Dezi on the back and fed him some treats, then picked him up, holding him against his chest.

Tobi and Ram entered the kitchen.

“My goodness, Tobi, where did you get that beautiful dress?” asked Nana.

Tobi stuck his tongue out at Ram. “I’m going to have people asking me that all day. And I’m going to tell them, ‘I have no idea. I got kinda drunk yesterday and forgot.’ Maybe I’ll find someone who knows who made it. Look at this, Nana.” Tobi approached Nana and showed off the sequin flowers covering the hem of the dress. “It has matching underwear.” Tobi lifted the dress and displayed his undergarments, all eyelets and intersecting string.

The room grew uncomfortably warm.

Gage sat at the table, along with Ram and Tobi. He devoured Nana’s pancakes, cooked the way he liked, crispy around the edges. The contrast between soft, fluffy pancake and hard, crunchy pancake delighted him, especially when slathered in butter. He didn’t mind syrup in small quantities, but usually found it too sweet.

They finished breakfast and sat outside on the front steps, waiting for Tobi’s ride. Ram smoked a cigarette, blowing smoke downwind, away from them.

“Tobi,” said Ram. He took a long drag of his cigarette and stared off into the distance. “I didn’t hurt Finley. I swear.” 

“I believe you.” Tobi squeezed Ram’s hand. “Sorry I yelled at you. I know you’re trying, and I know it’s not easy.”

“I believe you, too,” added Gage. Must have been some other asshole. “I should call Finley. Wonder how he’s doing. Said he was sick.”

Ram wrapped an arm around Gage’s shoulders. “I’m sure he’s fine.”

Gage stared at Tobi’s bare feet. “Wonder what happened to your shoes.”

“We’ll never know.” Tobi wiggled his bare toes. He had beautiful feet. “I’ll stop at a shoe store.”

The car arrived and they hugged Tobi goodbye.

Ram herded him to the couch, where Gage curled up against him and pulled a weighted blanket on top of them.

The medication he’d taken earlier made Gage drowsy and he closed his eyes, relaxing against Ram. His struggle to remember _anything_ mattered less and less. He wanted to sleep. Wanted to wake up and feel normal again. “We had fun, huh?”

“Sure did,” murmured Ram, running his fingers through Gage’s hair. “So much fun.”


	42. [20.1] Ram

Ram’s phone rang, waking up Gage, who yowled in protest, ending his peaceful afternoon. He didn’t have to look at his phone to know who was calling. _Horatius Atherton._

“Come home.”

“On my way.”

Ram’s father hung up.

“I have to go,” said Ram, moving reluctantly. He would have loved sitting on Gage’s couch all afternoon, with Gage curled up against him, but no. He had to deal with the consequences of his actions.

Gage pouted. “Okay.”

Ram ruffled his hair and snuck off. On the way home he reviewed texts he’d sent to Ef, shaking his head frequently.

_CAN U MAKE IT LOOK LIKE HE WASNT MURDERED HORRIBLY THX_

_CUZ HE WASNT_

_TRIED TO FUCKIN KILL US_

_WANT HIS TEETH_

Ram’s chest felt tight, his breathing constricted. _God, I hope there’s nothing wrong with me._

He didn’t regret lying to Gage and Tobi. Tobi seemed happy, eager to forget any ugliness between them. Gage felt sick enough without worrying about cops banging on the door.

He marched to his father’s study with his head low to the ground, preparing himself. Hopefully he wasn’t in too much trouble. He’d behaved badly, if you took into consideration the breaking and entering thing, but was justified in doing so.

He knocked on the door and stepped inside, approaching Father’s desk.

Father lit a cigarette. “Heard you had an interesting night.”

“Yeah.” Ram swallowed thickly. “The dead guy … Finley … he wanted to eat Tobi. He was a sick fuck. Gage and I found out … but couldn’t reach Tobi. I asked Ef to track him. We panicked, went out there. We snuck into the house and Finley opened fire on us.” He exhaled slowly through his nose, refusing to wither under Father’s cold, iron stare. “I shot him.”

No point in anyone knowing Gage pulled the trigger, especially a man who considered blackmail a sport.

“The boy you were with, Gage, will he say anything about this?”

“No,” said Ram, confident. He was fairly sure Gage genuinely didn’t remember a damn thing, unlike him.

“All right.” Father stared at him, smoke curling from his cigarette. “Let’s say you’ve done nothing wrong. That brings us to the matter of how much it costs to clean up after you. Removing evidence from a crime scene, properly disposing of a dead body, ensuring the cops and the press don’t give a damn, driving a dead guy’s car to the airport and guaranteeing the parking attendant forgets about it, wiping security footage, deleting phone records ... These things cost money, Ram.”

“How much?”

“1.2 million.”

Ram choked, growing cold all over. “That’s ridiculous. I could’ve had Finley assassinated for a fraction of that.”

“Next time, hire an assassin.” Father leaned forward, cigarette clinging to a corner of his mouth. “You have the money, yes?”

Ram scowled. Most of his money was tied up in stocks, and bonds, and wherever else rich people’s money went. There wasn’t much in his savings account. A $1,200,000 bill would clean him out. “Yes, sir.”

“Good. Off you go, then.” Father waved him off and Ram retreated, feeling strange, like he’d gotten off easy, but still been struck. _1.2 million dollars_ …

Ram flopped down on his bed. Was it too late to forget everything? Not that it would do any good. Father would remind him.

He settled for temporary oblivion and took a handful of pills. He turned on the radio station Tobi was going to be on and laid still, staring at the ceiling, watching it dance.

The Jess and Marnie Show started.

Marnie’s voice filled the room. “We’re here with Tobi Haines and, Tobi, I have to ask - where did you get your dress?”

“I have no idea. I went out with my friends yesterday. We drank a bit too much … I don’t remember anything.”

“Nothing?” asked Jess.

“Nothing! When I woke up, the dress was on the floor.”

“And you don’t know where it came from?”

“There’s no labels on it.”

“Kenny, come here,” said Jess. “Kenny the Intern is going to take a photo of this dress and post it on our website, because it really is gorgeous, and I want to know where I can buy it. If you’re listening, take a look at the website, and call us if the dress looks familiar.”

“Thanks, Kenny,” said Marnie. “You’re a legend. Let’s see if we can help Tobi unlock the mystery.”

“I can’t help noticing, Tobi, you’re not wearing any shoes.”

“I lost them, which is okay, because they didn’t match the dress.”

“Huh. All right, people. We need help identifying this dress _and_ finding Tobi’s shoes.”

“Looks like we’ve got a caller. Maybe they can help us out. Hi, who’s this?”

“My name is Jillian Murphy. I’m a Professor of Cultural Anthropology at the University of Highnoor.”

“Nice to have you with us, Professor. Can you tell us anything about the dress?”

“Yes. It’s an Iguardian funeral garment. They bury their dead in it.”

Jess and Marnie squealed.

“The silver thread represents the astral cord that binds the soul to the body. The flowers are shadow buttercups, which wither in the light, and thrive in darkness.”

“I wonder if it’s pre-worn?” asked Jess.

Tobi laughed. Not a fake laugh, but a real one. Ram could usually tell the difference. “Oh, God. I hope not. I have the most amazing friends. They’d stop me from doing anything too stupid.”

Ram smiled and snuggled into his pillow, forsaking oblivion for contentment, warm all over, reassured his existence wasn’t a waste of cosmic energy.


	43. [21.1] Tobi

It took around forty minutes for the mushrooms to kick in. Tobi and Ram sat on the dock at the lake house, staring out at the water. It shone majestically, light reflecting in glowing bursts. They laughed at nothing, some unspoken joke they both found ridiculously funny.

Clouds oozed from the sky, like puddles of white paint on blue canvas, dripping everywhere.

In a few hours, Gage would show up. Tomorrow, Tobi’s parents would arrive and help celebrate his 18th birthday.

Tobi took a moment to appreciate how lucky he was. A weekend full of good food, good drugs, and good company. He had everything he wanted, apart from a smart, mysterious boyfriend to worship every night. And sometimes in the morning. And afternoon.

“We should go for a walk,” said Tobi.

“What if we get lost and our phones won’t work? We’ll freeze to death.”

“You’re so negative. We won’t get lost. We won’t go far. And we’ll leave a note.”

“Great, they’ll know where to find our bodies.”

Tobi left a note only to comfort Ram. It wasn’t cold enough outside for them to freeze to death in a matter of hours, as long as they were properly dressed. The forest wasn’t large enough for them to wander around hopelessly without stumbling on a road or a cabin. 

_GONE FOR WALK. SOUTH TOWARD RED CREEK._

_IF WE’RE NOT BACK BY DINNER WE’RE LOST._

_COME FIND US PLZ._

Off they went, into the forest. Tobi knew it well. The area surrounding the house was owned by his family, who’d committed to keeping it wild, on a lake where multi-million dollar properties were crammed together, no space between them. Local residents enjoyed unrestricted access to the green space and always thought of his parents on major holidays, filling the house with exotic treats.

“Where are we going?” asked Ram.

“It’s a surprise.”

The weather had cooled over the last few days, but hovered above freezing. Most of the leafy trees were stripped bare, covering the ground with a carpet of orange, red, and yellow. The colours swirled and danced.

Tobi stopped in a flat covered in vibrant moss, damp and fluffy. He sat on the ground, pulling Ram down alongside him. The fresh, woody smell of the moss flooded his senses, wafting into the air in green tendrils. A large tree stood solemnly, presiding over them. A circle with a line slashed through it was carved in the bark, done by Mom.

“Lie down,” instructed Tobi.

“What? Why?”

“Forest bathing.”

“Forest _what_?” Ram laid down beside him, staring up at the sky through the tree branches, patches of blue framed with dark, jagged lines. “This is some pagan bullshit.”

“God’s love is unconditional. I’m sure he’ll forgive you.” Tobi watched the clouds drift slowly past. “Soak in the natural energies of the forest. Planet will cleanse your negative energy, leaving you feeling refreshed and grounded.”

“You don’t honestly expect me to believe that.”

“It’s true,” said Tobi. “You’re supposed to do it naked, but we’ll ignore that, and skip freezing our balls off. It’s more of a summer thing.” A bird chirped. It bobbed on a branch and took flight, leaving traces of its path in the air. “I come out here sometimes with my parents.”

“That’s weird. I don’t wanna see my parents naked.”

“You’re not looking at them,” said Tobi. “You’re looking at trees, and sky, and the creatures of the forest.”

“Still. My father would lose it if anyone saw Mom naked. Even me.” Ram bit down on his bottom lip. “I was five… forgot a toy in the bathroom… a stuffed wolf – Fang. I went back to get Fang and Mom was in the shower. I didn’t care… got Fang… Turned around and my father was standing there, staring at me like I’d been caught shaving his cat, and he started screaming… Called me a “fucking little pervert”. Grabbed me, pulled my pants down, hit me with his belt…” Ram went quiet, staring at the sky. “He doesn’t do that anymore… Stopped when I got big enough to fight back.”

Tobi reached over and took Ram’s hand, interlocking their fingers.

Ram squeezed his hand. “Now, if he wants to hurt me, he hits my bank account.”

“Does he still physically abuse you?”

“Sometimes. There’s one thing I let him do … Shuts him up and he leaves me alone.” Ram untucked his shirt and lifted it up, revealing his toned stomach, along with cigarette burns in various stages of life. Older burns were reduced to pale ovals, but newer, fresher burns bloomed in pinker, angrier circles.

“Why don’t you move out?” asked Tobi.

“I’m afraid my delinquent behaviour will continue to enrage him and he’ll take it out on Mom.”

“Shit, Ram. You could try. See how it goes. You can’t stay there. Your Mom shouldn’t stay, either.”

“She won’t leave. She gets everything she wants.”

“Except a loving husband and a happy son.”

“She’s usually too drunk or stoned to care about that.” Ram rubbed the back of Tobi’s hand with his thumb and rolled onto his side, facing him. “Sometimes I worry me and him aren’t all that different … When I broke up with Trina, it wasn’t just because she was annoying as fuck. It was because I was scared she was gonna annoy me to the point where I wanted to hit her.”

This surprised Tobi, who assumed Ram got tired of pretending to like Trina when Trina found out he had a big dick and developed a genuine interest in him.

“I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you.” Ram kissed Tobi’s hand lightly. “I hate that helpless feeling. Knowing I’ve done something horrible and have no way to take it back.” 

“I forgive you,” assured Tobi, hugging Ram. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. The fact that it bothers you proves you’re not a terrible person. You think your father feels bad after he burns you?”

“No.”

Tobi held Ram against him, running his fingers through Ram’s dark, thick hair. “The scars … You could have them removed.”

“I thought about it. Would be nice to take my shirt off without people assuming I’m harming myself. But … Dunno. My father would have a fit and add more. He likes the fact that I’m humiliated by them.”

“You’re so brave.”

“If I was brave, I’d kill the bastard. But I’d never get away with it and I don’t wanna spend my life in prison. As much as my life sucks, it’s not a “lying awake at night because I don’t wanna get shanked with a toothbrush” level of suck.”

Tobi pressed their foreheads together. “At least you could have sex with whoever you want.”

Ram laughed. “Good point.”

A scream erupted nearby.

“Hear that?” asked Tobi, sitting up.

“Sounds like a pterodactyl.”

“How d’you know what a pterodactyl sounds like?”

“I read.”

Tobi stood up, more curious than afraid. “Let’s investigate.”

They didn’t have to go far. A pile of leaves stirred and a forest spirit emerged. It had a doglike face, furry ears, and flippers instead of legs. Its black eyes were huge and round, like staring into a moonless night. Its long fur was a shiny, silvery colour. Barely a foot long, it wormed its way toward them, fluttering delicate wings covered in opalescent scales.

“Is it a fairy?” asked Tobi.

“I don’t think so. It has no wings.”

“Yes, it does.”

The fairy stared up at them and whimpered and Tobi gathered the creature in his arms, surprised by the weight of it. “God, it’s like an adorable sack of bricks.”

“What are you doing with that thing?” asked Ram.

“I’m taking it.”

“You can’t go around stealing fairies. Put it back.”

“I told you, I’m taking it.”

“What if it belongs to someone else?”

Tobi looked around. “There’s no one here.”

“It should have parents, shouldn’t it?” asked Ram. “A mother, at least?”

“It’s all alone in the world.” The worst possible thing. A heaviness grew in Tobi’s chest and his eyes burned. “I don’t want it to be alone.”

“Oh, boy … Let’s call the animal expert and see what he says.”

Tobi pouted. “Gigi’s gonna say it’s not real, because fairies don’t exist.” He cradled the spirit in his arms and it snuggled into him. “They’re gonna make you disappear on me. You gotta believe, Ram. You gotta believe.”

Ram set up a video call with Gage and held his phone up. “Gigi. We need your help. There’s a weird creature in the forest.”

“Uh-huh.” Gage looked unconvinced.” Show me.”

Ram tilted his phone, capturing the creature huddled against Tobi.

“Oh. That’s a tufted eared seal pup. Any sign of its mother?”

“No,” replied Tobi. “We’re a few kilometers from the lake. I wanted to show Ram the peeing tree, but we got distracted. Why would as seal pup be way out here?”

“Maybe a pterodactyl took it,” muttered Ram.

“Tobi, don’t carry the pup like that. They have extremely sharp teeth and don’t care much for people. There’s a strong possibility it’ll bite you.”

“I’m not gonna get bit,” protested Tobi. “We’re friends.”

“It’s all right,” said Ram. “There’s a first aid kit at the house.”

“It’s too late in the year for females to be whelping,” said Gage. “Maybe the pup’s not as young as it looks. Bring it back to the house, okay?”

“Can we feed it some sardines or something?” asked Tobi.

“No, no. Don’t do that. It’s not natural for seals to eat dead fish. Encouraging it to do so may be detrimental to its development.”

“What about live fish?” asked Ram.

“If you catch one, see if it’s interested. You can try giving it a bit of water, but seals don’t usually drink water, living instead on water they get from their food and, when necessary, their blubber. Be there as soon as I can.” Gage hung up.

“Don’t worry,” assured Tobi, scratching the seal pup’s chin. “We won’t let that nasty dinosaur take you again.”


	44. [22.1] Gage

Gage fought the urge to speed for over an hour, eventually settling on driving ten kilometers over the speed limit, which would get him to the lake house faster, without drawing the ire of law enforcement.

He’d called Ram earlier to check in and asked if the seal had bitten Tobi yet. Ram laughed and laughed. Gage wasn’t sure if that meant “yes” or “no”.

He tried not to worry too much about the pup, but his brain was stuck in “worst case scenario” mode, which dictated there was something seriously wrong with the seal, and it would need to be euthanized, and Tobi would spend his 18th birthday being morbidly depressed.

 _The eye rings looked wet_ , he reminded himself. At least the pup wasn’t dehydrated.

Gage stopped his car and removed an animal crate from the backseat, carrying it to the front door. He rang the door bell.

No answer.

Gage took a slow, deep breathe and called Ram. The phone rang and rang. Ram picked up right before it went to voicemail.

“Where are you guys?” asked Gage.

“On the dock, trying to provide food for our fairy child.”

Gage groaned and hung up. He could manage carrying the crate down to the dock without anything inside it, but he’d delegate the task of bringing it back up to Ram and Tobi. Empty, it was more awkward than heavy.

He followed the stairs leading down to the dock, spotting Ram with a fishing pole in his hand, and Tobi inside a large playpen with the seal. Gage expected to find the seal stressed and struggling, not asleep with its head on Tobi’s thigh.

Gage set the crate down by the playpen and came over to take a closer look.

“You’re interrupting nap time,” teased Tobi.

“Thank God you’re here,” said Ram, reeling in his line. “I can’t catch shit.”

“Is it a boy or a girl?” asked Tobi.

“Lift it up, show me the belly. Then you can put it in the crate.” Gage unlocked the door and adjusted the blanket inside.

Tobi lifted the seal, displaying its belly.

“Definitely a girl.”

“How can you tell?” asked Ram.

“It has nipples and lacks a penile opening.”

Gage didn’t want to take the pup all the way back to the rehab, not when the drive took three hours, so he’d contacted the local rehab and asked if they’d take her temporarily. They’d examine her, and feed her, and _hopefully_ determine she was well enough to rehabilitate and not dying from some horrible disease.

“Tobi, you should change your clothes and get cleaned up. Take a shower. Use lots of soap. The seal might be sick.”

“She doesn’t look sick. Her aura is very clean.”

“That doesn’t mean anything,” insisted Gage. “She could have been infected with the inharmonic plague right before you picked her up and she wouldn’t show signs of it yet. Twelve hours from now you’d both be vomiting fecal matter.”

Tobi should have been wearing gloves and a mask while handling the seal, but Gage knew better than to insist on that, when it was already too late. He hoped the seal would look negatively upon her encounter with humans and avoid them in the future, but as Tobi lifted her out of the playpen and held her in his arms, her contentment was clearly visible.

The size of the seal puzzled Gage the most. Judging by size alone, he assumed the pup was at least six months old and weaned from its mother. However, the pup still had its fluffy coat of lanugo—baby fur, which disappeared after weaning. It made the pup’s age hard to determine.

The conditions under which the seal were found also perplexed him. It was unnatural for a seal to be found so far from the water, unless Tobi was mistaken about their location, which was unlikely, given his familiarity with the area, but possible, given the influence of psychedelic substances.

Tobi gently placed the seal in the crate and closed the door. “Behave for Gigi. He’s gonna take good care of you. I promise I’ll see you again soon. Don’t be sad. Eat lots of fish.”

Gage frowned. “Tobi, there’s a chance –”

“I know. If they wanna put her down, call me. I wanna be there. I don’t want her to be alone.”

“Okay.”

Ram and Tobi carried the crate to Gage’s car and slid it into the backseat.

“I’ll give you guys a call after she’s been examined. Let you know what’s going on.”

“Thanks, Gage,” said Ram. “We’re gonna go in and warm up.”

Gage opened the driver’s door and turned to Tobi, unable to resist teasing him. Well, half-teasing. “You should probably burn your clothes.”

“Very funny. Be prepared to get fucked up when you get back.”

Gage made it clear he would _not_ be drinking alcohol all weekend, but would be open to trying other things.

He got in the car and drove off.

His foot had barely hit the gas pedal when the seal started to cry.


	45. [22.2]

Gage lacked confidence divine entities were amenable to prayer, or sympathetic to human suffering, but said a quick prayer nonetheless. Only because he needed all the help he could get, and recent clinical studies showed hospital patients who were the recipient of prayers recovered faster, even when unaware anyone was praying for them. In other words, it couldn’t hurt.

He declined an offer to observe the seal’s examination, because his anxious energy was nearing explosive levels, and all he could do was pace back and forth. Some people found persistent pacing alarming or distracting, so he went outside. He watched wild seals in their tanks, following the chain link fence from one end to the other, as if he was the one trapped.

“Mr. Behren?”

Gage turned around, facing Tamron Pryce, the Director of Lake Taina Wildlife Rehabilitation. Her expression – lips stretched into a smile, cheeky rosy, eyes bright - told him everything he needed to know before she opened her mouth, and he sighed heavily with relief, going numb all over.

“The pup is healthy,” assured Tamron. “We can’t find anything wrong with her.”

Gage drove back to the lake house and let himself in. He headed straight for the kitchen and made a cup of white tea, adding a generous sprinkle of dried mushrooms left out by Ram and Tobi. _Panaceus forensis_. He’d tried them twice, thanks to Uncle Harild. Both times he’d felt less anxious, especially around other people, less afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. He didn’t worry as much about behaving in ways that might be interpreted as strange and making a spectacle of himself. Everyone on mushrooms acted strange.

The tea tasted like old bandages and he swallowed it as quickly as possible.

He followed the thumping of a bassline and found Tobi and Ram in the living room, lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, listening to music.

“Gage!” Ram called out in greeting. “Seal’s okay?”

“Seal’s okay.” For the moment, at least. The long-term outcome might be a different matter. The seal’s ability to survive in the wild might be seriously compromised, but there was no point in worrying Ram and Tobi about that now.

“Where am I sleeping?” asked Gage, removing his backpack.

“Where d’you wanna sleep?” asked Tobi.

“I want to sleep with you,” replied Gage. He liked sleeping with Tobi. Liked waking up with Tobi pressed against him, the weight of his arm around him.

“That’s what all the guys say,” grumbled Ram, rolling his eyes.

The comment momentarily confused Gage, until it occurred to him “sleep” was a euphemism for “sex”. His cheeks grew uncomfortably warm and he scrambled to explain himself, choking on words. “Th-that’s not … not w-what …” 

“S’okay.” Tobi grinned at him. “I know what you meant.”

Gage stared at the floor, hot all over. If it had been a harmless misunderstanding, it wouldn’t have bothered him, but his statement wasn’t devoid of truth, either way you interpreted it. He’d become increasingly aware his feelings for Tobi weren’t entirely platonic. It started off as easy to ignore – an occasional urge to kiss him, unbutton his shirt, touch his bare chest – sharp, muscular lines and flat plains – unlike a female body, yet equally enticing. He assumed the urge would go away, grow less noticeable with time. Natural adolescent curiosity. Instead, it became a fixation, something he thought about all the time, especially when Tobi wasn’t around. He’d finally reached the point where he made a mental note to talk to Dr. Marwan about it, because he needed to talk to _someone_. He couldn’t keep ignoring his feelings. That obviously wasn’t helping.

He wanted to tell Tobi, feeling rather dishonest in his lack of disclosure, but feared it might do more harm than good. The best case scenario, in which he got to be with Tobi, even for just one night, was _not_ a good thing at all. Ram got disturbingly jealous over guys who’d barely touched Tobi. Gage didn’t want Ram to hate him. Having Tobi wasn’t worth losing Ram.

It didn’t help that Tobi was fresh out of the shower, wearing only a colourful pink sarong wrapped around his waist. The cloth was decorated with large white leaves, betraying its tropical origins – the leaves were full of natural holes, an adaptation allowing massive amounts of rainfall and hurricane force winds to pass through without damaging them.

Gage deposited his backpack in Tobi’s room, unsure he’d made the right decision. It would be awkward to have one of his weird Tobi dreams with Tobi right next to him. Those dreams happened more often than they used to. They’d started after the fundraiser for wild bluebottle orchids, when he’d danced with Tobi and wondered for the first time what it would be like to put a cock in his mouth.

Gage unpacked his things. Tobi stood nearby, watching him.

“Have you talked to Finley lately?” asked Tobi.

Gage wasn’t sure what “lately” meant. It had been ten days since he’d heard from Finley. Finley told him he wasn’t feeling well and would be taking time off to recover. “Aah … Yes? Ten days ago.”

A worried look crossed Tobi’s face and Gage felt compelled to reassure him; to make those distressed lines on his face go away. “You’ll probably hear from him tomorrow. He’ll want to wish you a happy birthday.” He’d text Finley later and remind him Tobi’s birthday was tomorrow, in case he forgot. He’d called a few days ago to check in and see how Finley was feeling, but there was no answer.

Gage caught Tobi’s gaze and noticed his eyes for the first time – not their usual blue, but large aphotic dots, black holes swallowing light. _What if something happened to Finley?_ Gage’s brain always looked for something to worry about. He noticed it most when things were calm, peaceful, because it felt unnatural. Chaos was expected. Tranquility felt foreign.

At least until the mushrooms took effect.


End file.
